(Closed) He won't marry me because he's depressed

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
9838 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I think you should be able to talk about a timeline, but tread lightly. Depression is a serious illness, and until he gets help and is on the path to having it under control he won’t feel up to making any life changing decisions and plans. Although depression varies from person to person, it is an awful illness to have. This coming from someone who has Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, and Bipolar Disorder. I got diagnosed with the depression a couple of months after getting engaged, and the Bipolar and anxiety the following year.

Can I ask you this, if he had cancer rather than depression, would you expect him to talk about a timeline and getting married? I am guessing not. Sure this might seem like a bad comparison, but both can be fatal (yes even though it is the person with the illness who ends their life, it is the illness causing it). Just because one is physical and one is mental, doesn’t make the mental illness less serious.

My advice to you OP is just be there for him, and encourage him to get help. Give him space when he needs it but keep an eye on him.

Post # 3
Member
9519 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Depression is a chemical disbalance, that is serious. Depending on the level of severity, it is best that major life decisions be postponed until he gets the help he needs. Such as therapy, seeing pychologist or simply time. Yes, you can talk time line but for now it is probably best to leave it be for now until this has been better resolved.

Post # 4
Member
3865 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Be supportive of his efforts of working through his depression and take the topic of marriage and engagement off the table for now. You said you wanted to get an idea of what things need to be done before you guys start talking about timelines and he said he wanted to work on his mental and emotional wellbeing. 

Giving you a timeline on getting engaged would require him to have a timeline for when he will work through his depression and that’s a difficult thing to put an end date on. 

It’s not easy to be patient, but you’ll both have a better and happier future if he is allowed to tackle this without the pressure of engagement/marriage discussions before he’s ready. I’d also encourage him to seek counseling for himself if he isn’t already.

Post # 6
Member
9519 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Does he want one? That is the bigger issue.That’s a lot of responsibility to give as a present. They do help people live longer but doubt  about curing depression

Post # 7
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

I understand how it is frusturating for you, but I think he is doing the right thing by waiting. Marriage could really push him over the edge and he could push you away. You don’t want that. But you should still be able to talk about a timeline. 

Is he seeing professional help? If not he should be.mention that if he his serious about taking control if this he needs to seek help. 

I personally like the idea of getting a dog. They really help. They give you something to look forward too. I think pets jusy help. I don’t know if I would get a puppy though. All that training might add more pressure. Good luck! 🙂

Post # 8
Member
9838 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

View original reply
letterstolove:  Well that is a lot of responsibility to take on right now, and be prepared to give the dog everything he/she needs, you may have many unforeseen incidents and issues. Are you prepared to make a lifetime commitment required? Don’t just get a dog and give it to a shelter if it gets too hard, or you find out something you didn’t plan on. And as a PP mentioned, is this something you BOTH want and are ready for?

But I will say, dogs are absolutely wonderful, and are excellent companions when you are battling depression! I have two gorgeous girls and they are always there to listen and give cuddles. I have cried into their fur many a time! Plus they don’t judge, aren’t critical at all and love unconditionally.

ETA: They certainly don’t cure depression, there is no cure for depression. There is treatment, and dogs certainly can help, but there is no cure.

Post # 9
Member
8778 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

Your top priority should be him and his mental health. As someone who went house viewing with their SO and then got brutally broken up with 20 minutes later, with him citing his depression as the reason, I would maybe want him to mentally be in a better place before forcing time lines on him.

Post # 11
Member
689 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
letterstolove:  yes, it is true. Dog may be a really good idea. I have an ADD, and my dog helps me a lot.

Be sure to choose an easy-going friendly and clever breed, that also does not demand big amounts of physical activity. Mine is golden retriever and I think she is just perfect. 

Post # 12
Member
9519 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I could be a good idea. Going by your post you have bigger issues and a dog will not solve them. However wanted. Just consider if it is fair to the dog

Post # 13
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

My dogs sure as hell help my despression. But meds and counsel of help more. 

If you want a dog get a dog, but don’t get it to cure him. I’d try to get him into counselling, it helped me understand my self and better handle my issues.

Post # 15
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

It kind of bothers me that it seems like both you and your mother seem to be discounting depression as just a bad mood. It’s a medical condition. You wouldn’t tell someone with cancer to get a pet, for example. Do not get a dog instead of treatment by professionals. He won’t mentally be in a place to take care of another living creature that is so wholly dependent on him until he gets his depression under control. Diet and exercise also help with depression but again I would never suggest that in place of formal treatment.

When you’re depressed it’s really hard to imagine feeling better or how things will be when you do. This is why he can’t talk timeline right now. Is he getting treatment? If so, I would table the discussion for a few months until his symptoms start to show some sustained improvement. Right now, his mental health needs to take priority.

The topic ‘He won't marry me because he's depressed’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors