(Closed) He won't marry me because he's depressed

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
2122 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

BalletParker: 

I appreciate that the majority of people will have some sort of experience with depression, and haven’t presumed otherwise.

I’m glad to hear that you’ve some experience with depression through having a psychology degree, and I’m glad to hear that your parents do important jobs. I’m sorry to hear that you also have experience with depression through dealing with it first hand. I have similar experiences, and also wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I’m a nurse with experience in mental health. I have experience of dealing with depression from both sides of the fence, both professionally and personally. I don’t assume to know it all. But I have been the person that OP is talking about, and I found your comment offensive. If that’s not how you meant it then okay, but I didn’t make any assumption. I read exactly what you wrote, and you wrote it in two separate paragraphs. Perhaps this is why you’re left wondering why I focused on the first part of what you said. 

“like it or not, people have a right to choose to live with someone who can be a partner. Who won’t threaten to kill themselves at regular intervals when life gets too hard, and who doesnt use their depression as a get out of jail free card.”

This comment is offensive too. And ignorant.

Post # 47
Member
2122 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

mangosandcats:  sunny_bee5078:  mandabride00:  

Thank you all! I completely agree that there is still a lot off ignorance surrounding depression. That will never go completely. But it’s always getting better 🙂

Post # 48
Member
12499 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Emm85:  

“But keep in mind you don’t HAVE to stick with him. He may never not be depressed, or this may be an excuse to not talk about marriage because he’s not ready to talk. The key thing is, he doesn’t want to talk about it. That mean’s he’s not ready. It’s up to you how long you want to give him to be ready.”

I agree and this is not a horrific, insensitive or mean thing to say. OP is not married or even engaged. She needs no justification  other than “I’m afraid of the risks and this  may not work out in the long run.” If a serious pre-existing illness, of any kind, physical or mental,  is not something she wants to sign up for, or has the will or capacity to deal with, then she should be honest  with herself and with SO. Better now than a divorce after they are married with kids. 

 

Post # 49
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee

I know when I was clinically depressed there was no way I could be in a healthy functioning relationship, and I wasn’t. I was hospitalized twice and was seeing a therapist weekly. I eventually got better. I had to work at it, i had to educate myself on what was happening in my body, i had to make hard choices emotionally I didn’t want to make but I did all that work to get better. 

If he is not actively seeking professional help, that would be an issue for me. I know depression is tough to address and by its very nature makes a person feel like nothing they will ever do is going to make anything better. However, he has to get help or he will never get better. If he is not willing to do that, it might be a sign for you OP. 

I highly recommend you do some research as well to arm yourself with knowledge and to help lead your Boyfriend or Best Friend to possible things that could help him.

If you choose to get a dog, make sure you are prepared to commit to every aspect of the dogs care and look into pet insurance for the dog to help cover any unforseen medical expenses. Yes, its expensive to care for a dog but there are lots of positives that come with pet ownership as well. Look into adopting an adult dog to alleviate some of the puppy time issues. 

Good luck, op.

Post # 50
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

sosojamie:  I don’t think it’s true that there will never be a “right” time. 1 1/2 years is no time at all and itis irrelevant that he is 30.

Post # 51
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Malibou Lake Mountain Club

letterstolove:  I would honestly try to guide him in acquiring help. Ive suffered of Major Depression and Anxiety prior to being with my Husband. There was a period that unfortunately I was moving insurances and had no medication/therapeutic support and my depression got so bad I didnt even want to be in our relationship or depressed. As per animals, I even gave up on caring for my guinea pigs (and I LOVE my pets). Attention to getting medical attention was key. It is debilitating. It has nothing to do with just feeling down. The want to be with you is real, but the illness is highly powerful. For his safety and mental state, I’d focus on treatment rather than wedding talk (it does make one feel worse for not being able to provide what the other needs).

 

this is also coming from a mental health therapist; Ive worked with many who are depressed and require that extra love and support. our brain does make us feel alone and it is internally real for us

Post # 52
Member
8817 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

letterstolove:  Oh no please don’t get a dog for this purpose , dogs are for the  long haul, dogs love  you , dogs are to be treasured  for their own  sakes,not  bought like a device for making someone feel better  .

Of course  dogs and other animals make great therapeutic companions and their  vists to and presence  in  institutions helps people  enormously, but these are dogs who are loved and  trained to help, not just bought as an aid.  It’s also true that  owning a pet does help in the happiness stakes as  anyone who has been sad and has a dog  or cat  knows, as well  as research proving it . But again , these are  beloved  family creatures, and so they should be .

Depression  needs serious help, probably medication and certainly some ‘talk’ therapy . Do seek that  OP.    

 

 

Post # 53
Member
11115 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

beethree:  

Very well said.  This 1000%.

Post # 54
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I really feel for you, OP, I think you are getting a lot of negativity here for basically sharing your feelings. The people who are claiming to be experts of depression are obviously forgetting the effects of supporting a person with depression and how very difficult it is and that you feel your life is on hold waiting for them to get or want help.

 

obviously you have decided to support him through this, and I can tell u from experience, people expect u to be selfless and put your needs aside and put him first, but then who looks after you when both you and your partner are focused on him? Remember to look after yourself, and encourage him to seek the help he needs professionally, don’t carry the weight alone. And ignore all these negative comments that are basically telling you your feelings don’t matter because they do, just as much as his do.

xxx

Post # 57
Member
12499 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

letterstolove:   Of course you are close. No one doubts that. But you are totally  missing the point of people who said that 1 1/2 years is not a lot of time especially  in this situation. Your BF needs to focus first on his mental health and getting well.  He does not appear to be in a place or a frame of mind to deal with all the additional pressures of planning a wedding right now. 

Also, it is short sighted and probably no coincidence that you perceive that you are “closer” than people you see around you who have been together much longer. The so called honeymoon phase of a relationship lasts for 1 1/2-2 years. During that time period people tend to idealize their partners, and to overlook or minimize the impact of faults and challenges both large and small. I’m sure all those other couples felt just  as passionate in their day! 

 

Post # 58
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

letterstolove:  Friend, your relationship with your boyfiend is exactly my relationship with my fiance’. Like you, I couldn’t understand him feeling so down and used that exact thought – life’s not perfect, there is no right time. Like you, I kept asking for a timeline, and at times, I actually suggested to end things if he felt this isn’t what he wanted.

But he kept coming back. And we kept at it. And after hm being depressed, and him worried about minor relationship bumps, I felt as if he pushed himself to get engaged to me. Our engagement wasn’t easy. He was back and forth about fears, his sadness, his concerns in life (both about me and not related to me). There were times I felt we might have to call it off, and I’d urge him not to because deep down, we both knew we wanted it – but his anxiety and his depression is blocking it. Even he admitted if we ended things, he would not be happy.

I am getting married in the end of August. My happy-go-lucky attitude is out the window. The stress of the wedding (people and events), plus finances can get heavy – but it’s expected. Imagine on top of all the normal stress you are stressed because the man you love is unable to get excited – unable to really feel like this is what he wants because he’s so lost in his own worries and whatnot.

Last night we both broke down – his fears, his worries about his general life, and me, stressed to my max and then taking his stress as my own.  Some times I invision him calling off the wedding because he just can’t. 

My anxiety is up the roof. What if he calls it off? What happens to us? And then selfish thoughts – how embarrassing. How do I return gifts to everyone. How do I word that if it’s off, we might still want to be together. Seriously, this runs through my brain at least 3x a day.

My mistake from the beginning was thinking how can I help him feel better (like you said). And then painting this happy picture that obviously made me happy. Depression is deeper than that, as I am starting to understand. It’s more about listening and being there than finding an answer or plan. It never goes away. If all goes to plan and I marry my best friend, his depression will always be with him – no matter what mediciation he has.

Please take it from me. I know you’re confident you want to marry him. But listen to him. If he loves you but needs to get better, let him. My fiance’ and I dated almost 4 years before getting engaged, and I’m thinking that wasn’t enough time. From outside, everyone wanted to know why we weren’t engaged and airing out his personal problems was not the way I’d want to go.

If you push, you might get what you want – but then it can get more difficult. Aim to work with him and communicate. Get therapy help (as we are), and work together. 

I really wish you all the luck and love.

Post # 59
Member
49 posts
Newbee

letterstolove:  Hello,
I know that you want to start taking about a timeline but I commend him for being honest with you. Depression is a serious and it would be better for both of you if he receives professional help. Have you talked about going to therapy? You need to ask yourself whether you can stay with him without knowing if marriage is an option in the near future. If yes, then you both can more together to get him through this. Best of luck. 

Post # 60
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I think he was just trying to be as honest and kind to you as he could be. And see the positives. The fact he wants to sort out his depression is a sign of  how much he truly loves you and wants to give you long term happiness.

He needs your support and care- depression is a serious illness. Try not to put pressure on him about the wedding because it does sound like this guy WILL marry you in due time. Weddings are very stressful and time consuming, and he needs all your care and attention without the distraction of planning. Be patient. And by all means, still look at fun, girly things like dresses and hairstyles by yourself as a light hearted distraction if you need ten minutes to yourself. 

If you and your partner can get through depression together, it bodes well for you as a strong, happy couple and you’ll be able to enter maried life happily and fully in it  together.

 

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