letterstolove: Friend, your relationship with your boyfiend is exactly my relationship with my fiance’. Like you, I couldn’t understand him feeling so down and used that exact thought – life’s not perfect, there is no right time. Like you, I kept asking for a timeline, and at times, I actually suggested to end things if he felt this isn’t what he wanted.
But he kept coming back. And we kept at it. And after hm being depressed, and him worried about minor relationship bumps, I felt as if he pushed himself to get engaged to me. Our engagement wasn’t easy. He was back and forth about fears, his sadness, his concerns in life (both about me and not related to me). There were times I felt we might have to call it off, and I’d urge him not to because deep down, we both knew we wanted it – but his anxiety and his depression is blocking it. Even he admitted if we ended things, he would not be happy.
I am getting married in the end of August. My happy-go-lucky attitude is out the window. The stress of the wedding (people and events), plus finances can get heavy – but it’s expected. Imagine on top of all the normal stress you are stressed because the man you love is unable to get excited – unable to really feel like this is what he wants because he’s so lost in his own worries and whatnot.
Last night we both broke down – his fears, his worries about his general life, and me, stressed to my max and then taking his stress as my own. Some times I invision him calling off the wedding because he just can’t.
My anxiety is up the roof. What if he calls it off? What happens to us? And then selfish thoughts – how embarrassing. How do I return gifts to everyone. How do I word that if it’s off, we might still want to be together. Seriously, this runs through my brain at least 3x a day.
My mistake from the beginning was thinking how can I help him feel better (like you said). And then painting this happy picture that obviously made me happy. Depression is deeper than that, as I am starting to understand. It’s more about listening and being there than finding an answer or plan. It never goes away. If all goes to plan and I marry my best friend, his depression will always be with him – no matter what mediciation he has.
Please take it from me. I know you’re confident you want to marry him. But listen to him. If he loves you but needs to get better, let him. My fiance’ and I dated almost 4 years before getting engaged, and I’m thinking that wasn’t enough time. From outside, everyone wanted to know why we weren’t engaged and airing out his personal problems was not the way I’d want to go.
If you push, you might get what you want – but then it can get more difficult. Aim to work with him and communicate. Get therapy help (as we are), and work together.
I really wish you all the luck and love.