He won't propose until I lose weight

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Have you ever felt like your physical appearance caused problems in your dating life?
    Yes : (60 votes)
    32 %
    No : (125 votes)
    68 %
  • Post # 76
    Hostess
    3882 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2016

    pinkshoes :  The root isn’t really food, it’s more about control (at least for me).  I can safely lose weight when I have someone providing a meal and fitness plan for me, but do not trust myself to eat intuitively.  For a long time I was triggered by calorie counting, and if I went over one day, I would get very stressed about it.  Thought I would chime in since I have personal experience with it.

    OP, like PP said, it’s not really clear whether you’re projecting, but I still have issues with him bringing up your weight all the time.  My D.H. doesn’t really understand EDs either, but he has spent a lot of time trying to understand, and if I tell him something triggers me, he’s always really good about changing his behavior.  If your S.O. doesn’t care and is blowing off your ED as a “first world problem,” this probably is not a healthy relationship for you.  

    Post # 77
    Member
    870 posts
    Busy bee

    Hi Bee.   I’m 5’3″, my ideal weight is around 130-135.  I feel good and look healthy at that weight.  When I was in an unhealthy relationship, I ate to make myself feel better.  I ballooned to 180 lbs.  That’s right… I gained 40 lbs in 8 months.  There are many extremes that are unhealthy when it comes to our relationship with food and weight.  A lot of it is body image, and it can be entirely emotional and in our heads, too.  

    You’re moving in the right direction, Bee.  Talk to your therapist, continue with healthy eating and exercise.  I’ve lost 30 lbs in the last year and a half by cutting down on portion sizes, being more cognizant of what I put in my mouth, and making small adjustments in lifestyle.  It can be as simple as parking the car at the back of the lot to go grocery shopping.  I still have about 15 to go before I’m back to where I’m comfortable.  BUT… “comfortable” is different for everyone.  Your therapist can help you come up with a plan to maintain a healthy attitude about your weight and food.  

    I hope you find your happy spot, Bee.  I don’t think the reason your fiance isn’t proposing is because of your weight, but I think do think you will benefit immensely in a personal way if this is something you do.  

    Post # 78
    Member
    1888 posts
    Buzzing bee

    fatandanonymous :  It sounds like he probably has no idea to even handle what you are going through. Even the best of us aren’t equipped to talk about hard issues because we don’t quite understand them. I think it might be most helpful for you to have a therapist to work through some of these things on your own. And ask this therapist how you can talk to him and explain what you have been through and how he can support you. With men I have realized that i get much better results when I ask for what I need in a straight forward way. You can tell your boyfiend the ways he can support you. Could you ask him to cook with you? To make healthy meals together? Could you both start going to the gym together? If you are giving him ways to help you he might not then come up with his own methods that aren’t helpful. Guys are fixers. They usually want to be given tasks to complete. So perhaps giving him ways to help will be more constructive. 

    My mom is very loving to me and has always gently encouraged me to keep my weight steady. I eat a lot of junk food and over the years she has gently reminded me when I am starting to gain more than i really need to. Her words never really end up motivating me to get it under control but I always do appreciate her support and do need the reminder that food does not make me happy. In a relationship I would hope my partner could similarly gently remind me and help me when I start to get into the eating for pleasure pattern. 

    I don’t know exactly what your food issue is but I think its a good idea to remind yourself every time you feel yourself wanting to do something unhealthy with food is this. You cannot possibly get satisfaction from food. Think of all the qualities that bring your life joy. None of those things that bring you lasting joy or happiness are phyiscal things so food can’t possibly make you happy. It has no power in that sense. Love which is a spiritual quality, that can bring happiness and joy. Whenever you are tempted to go to food to make you feel happy try to say no and instead think about the real source of joy and happiness.  Express love to someone who needs it, think about all you have that you are grateful for. Food can’t possibly do that. All I know is that helps me when I am tempted to give food more power than it should have over my life. 

    Post # 79
    Member
    10951 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    I am genuinely surprised and disappointed by how much truly awful advice there is on this thread.

    The OP did not come here for advice on how to lose weight, nor for a lecture on why she should lose weight.  The OP’s weight is not the frickin issue here.

    The issue is her bf constantly harping on her weight after she asked him to stop.  He knows it causes her pain, yet he persists.  He belittles her with his snark about first world problem.

    THAT’S what’s going on here.

     

    Post # 80
    Member
    251 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    Beth7210 :  I’m so sorry that happened to you, and congratulations on getting out!! Just a question – what is the second picture? I can’t figure out what I’m looking at. Is it your torso?

    Post # 81
    Member
    753 posts
    Busy bee

    ttw16 :  yeh left side is my ribs, right side is my hip bone, sorry I cropped it for modesty and privacy xx

    Post # 82
    Member
    251 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    Beth7210 :  oh okay I got it. Congratulations again on being strong enough to get out of that situation!! So glad you’re doing better now.

    Post # 83
    Member
    1301 posts
    Bumble bee

    sassy411 :  I usually agree with you on many of these posts but on this one I have to disagree.

    The OP wasn’t specific on how her boyfriend was “constantly” harping on her about her weight.  She only said he would ask how she was doing.  To me, that doesn’t constitute “constant” anything.  As I mentioned in my post, if I told my boyfriend I was starting a new diet or a lifestyle change (ie, giving up soda), he’s going to ask how I’m doing.  If my best friend was starting, say, keto, I would ask how she’s doing.  I think that’s part of normal conversation.

    The OP’s boyfriend said he’s still attracted to her, so I’m assuming she must have asked him at some point.  She didn’t say anything about them being less intimate or him dropping subtle hints that he’s lying about being attractive to her.

    Weight is obviously a very hard topic for the OP to discuss.  If she hasn’t already, maybe she needs to sit down with her boyfriend and explain just how hard this is for her to deal with.  He may not realize that he’s doing anything “wrong”.  If this talk has taken place, and he’s still badgering her, then that’s a different story.

    Post # 84
    Member
    10951 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    redmango :  

    Read the OP’s first post.  She specifically states that her bf constantly (her italics) brings up her weight.  She has asked him repeatedly to stop and he does not.  She wants him to ‘get off her back’.

    His constant harping makes her feel inadequate.

    I fail to see how any of this is, oh he’s a man, he doesn’t know any better (a sexist comment, btw), or he’s trying to be “helpful”.

    Post # 85
    Member
    870 posts
    Busy bee

    redmango :   sassy411 :  I saw this as there being two separate issues:  The OP’s struggle with an ED and now a desire to be at a healthy weight through diet/exercise, and separately, her boyfriend’s inability to understand what she’s going through. 

    I think PPs have been trying to offer encouragement how they can and on the part of the issue they’re most easily able to relate to/give advice on.  Nothing wrong with that.  

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