Post # 1
My fiance and I have lived together for 5 years, and in 4 months he will be moving to another country to complete medical school. In total, we will be apart for 16 months, at which point he’ll come home to write the USMLE exam, and we will then relocate to the US together. (I have my own career ambitions and will be completing a degree in the 16 month period that he’s in school).
I am facing a ton of emotions – I don’t even know what they are, really, but mostly fear. For 5 years it’s been the same – we eat takeout on the couch and watch movies, take our dogs to the dog park, and are excited to see each other at the end of the day.
I’m so sad to feel like I’m losing that. In my heart I am so happy for him and excited for him to fulfill his dream – but just so terrified by the uncertainty. He only gets 3 breaks a year for 2 weeks at a time, so I know those times together will be limited. I know he’ll be stressed, too – I have done a professional program so I tell myself I am ready to be second fiddle. But if I’m honest with myself, I’ve become wayyy less independent over these 5 years, and maybe it will sting a bit. With us both relocating to the US at the end of the 14 months, there is also an added layer of uncertainty with my job prospects, etc. I am a ‘planner’ and am finding this impending date really terrifying, and have no idea what to expect.
Has anyone been through this or can offer advice on these weird grey area feelings with the date approaching, or how do actually ‘do’ long distance? Is it that bad? Anyone with a partner in a tough/grueling job or degree program that takes a lot of their time?
I’m really not sure how I am feeling but would find a lot of comfort in your stories if anyone has been through this before and is willing to share. Just wanna get a handle on things with this ‘new’ life coming up on us quickly, and get an idea of what it might look like.
Thanks so much in advance. 🙂
Post # 2
D.H and I only had 2 months together before we were apart for 17 months (both active duty Navy at the time) so our situation is a little different.
My only advice is to FaceTime, text and call often and to have a life outside of waiting for him to call. We both made the mistake of distancing ourselves from other people in order to have as much time to talk as possible, and it took a toll on us emotionally. You’ll miss him regardless but it helps to have a full life outside of him.
LDR are hard, and D.H and I have been honest with each other that if we had to do it any longer than we did we aren’t sure it would have worked out. It takes a lot of effort and patience but I’m sure you can make it work. He used to tell me that our relationship was special because we had to wake up everyday and choose one another, and put in the effort to feel close. It was all worth it in the end.
Best of luck, bee!
Post # 3
I had an LDR once upon a time (not with FH). Talk on the phone every night. Not just text or messaging but actual calls. That’s what we did and we almost never missed a night and we’d talk for hours. Text each other pics throughout your day. Both of yourselves and just daily things around you. My FH and I do that now and we live together lol but it’s even more important when you’re far away. Send cards through the mail and little gifts. And be prepared that it’ll be HARD. At first it almost sounds sort of romantic but it actually sucks. You will be able to regain some independence though and that’ll probably be a good thing!
Post # 4
Why don’t you go with him now?
Post # 5
My husband and I were very long distance for two years. (14 hour time difference and seeing each other every 6 months)Set up a communication schedule that works for both of you. If he’s in medical school and you’re getting your degree than it might not be possible to Skype for hours every night and text throughout the day, and you’ll both end up tired and frustrated if you force it. Schedule visits (even if you can only visit once the whole time) Take advantage of this time apart. Yes, it sucks that you’re apart and it’s going to be incredibly difficult at first but it can also be an opportunity, if you choose to see it that way. Take this time to focus on you. Do something new you’ve always wanted to do. Change up your routine. I created a bucket list for myself of things to do before my husband moved back. This time can be productive and go quickly or it can move agonizingly slow and be useless. Choose the former.
Post # 6
Focus on moving forward. I promise you that this time will go fast! Start researching job opportunities in the US, do things to prepare for the move.
Post # 7
Fi and I are coming up on the end of our 2 year long distance (2 weeks to go!) and it’s hard. You’ve settled into a life together and being separated is going to hurt at first, probably a lot. But, you’ll settle into it just as you did everything else, and before you know it it’ll be over.
It’s good that you have a planned end date for the long distance as it gives you both something to look forward to. I recommend that you schedule as many visits to see each other as you can, and FaceTime is a godsend, so try to set aside time for this as well (Fi and I try to do every night before bed). Again, it’s all about having things to look forward to. It’s great that you’ll be completing your own degree as this will keep you busy. Don’t neglect your family/friends because you miss your Fi – you will need them and they will help you adjust. It probably doesn’t feel like this now, but you will learn to appreciate your alone time and you two will learn to live separately, and it will make your relationship so much stronger.
Post # 8
If fi and I weren’t Fiance and getting married, I wouldn’t go for it. That’s my opinion. He couldn’t bear to be apart from me that long, and neither could I, but if he HAD to for work etc, we would make it work.
I don’t know if that helps, sorry if it doesn’t.
Post # 9
Long distance is pants. When we were at uni my hubby (then boyfriend) had a year abroad as part of his course. He was in Germany for 9 months and France for 2. We had been going out about a year when he left. I hated it, missed him so much, but we made it through. This was in the days before smartphones or facetime. We would have a ‘dinner date’ on MSN messenger every night at 8pm my time where we would chat about our days. We both had very poor quality webcams so could occasionally see each other. We would take it in turns to phone once a week on a Sunday. We couldn’t speak more than that as international calls then were so expensive and we were students. I flew out to see him whenever I could and he came home for Christmas and Easter.
It was tough but those times together were so magical. I loved and still love Germany and will always enjoy going there with hubby.
The time passed much quicker than I thought it would too. Before I knew it he was home for our final year at uni.
Post # 10
Hi Bee! I am so sorry you are approaching a period of long distance, but 18 months can go by so quickly!
I am coming to the end of a 5.5 year period of long distance with my fiance. I am also in medicine, and am just coming to the end of my residency. My fiance lives in California and I live in Michigan, so it is quite a long distance, and it hasn’t been easy.
I’ll give you my best advice for how we have lasted the past 5 years. First, you need to communicate A LOT. We talk on the phone every single day, and very often for over an hour. I personally found Facetime/ Skype to make me feel more sad, and I did much better with talking on the phone. I know some people really like using Facetime, so you just have to find what works for you. We also text frequently throughout the day. Basically, I need to feel like I am a part of my fiance’s day-to-day life even when I am not physically with him.
I also recommend setting a pretty regular schedule to visit eachother. I find that going more than 5 weeks without seeing my fiance makes me crazy. I get sad and hopeless. Once a month has worked well for us. Sometimes its a very quick weekend visit, and sometimes I get to spend a whole week of vacation time to hang out with him. No matter the length of the visit, the FREQUENCY is what is important. I never would have one visit end, without having the next visit scheduled. Not knowing when I would see him again was not an option for me.
Planning for the future always made time go by for me. I would plan our next visit, or a trip we would take together, or more recently I would plan our wedding. Planning for things you are excited for makes time go by more quickly.
You also need to set and stick-to an “end date” for the long distance. Have you thought about what will happen if your fiance does not match into a residency program in an area where you have good job options?
Post # 11
We did 2 years of long distance, with similar uncertainties at the end, so I understand what you’re going through. As other people have said, just try to talk as much as you can. Take it one week at a time. It’s hard to deal with the uncertainty and you need to keep trying to have faith that it will work out.
My pro tip: There’s this website called Rabbit where you can stream Netflix (or Hulu, etc) and it shows the movie on one side of the screen and your fiance’s face on the other side like Skype. That way you guys can watch TV and movies together! We would both make popcorn in our seperate locations, and it would almost feel like being together.
Post # 12
If you will BOTH be in school at the same time, then it won’t be as bad because you will both be busy :). Maybe use this time as an opportunity to explore your old hobbies and interests again to make you feel independent.
We are nearing the end of our 3.5 year long distance but both working and let me tell you – I wish I had school to distract me haha. But luckily I have wedding planning 😉
Post # 13
FH and I are currently long distance and have been Since Jan 2017 (I’m moving home in two months though! woo hoo!). We also did long distance for 6 months while I was studying as I went on exchange overseas. My three big tips:
(1) Netflix! Watch movies or tv series together to feel like you’re having a “joint experience”
(2) Plan a holiday to visit him, plan your Christmas together, focus that energy on something you can both look forward to
(3) Indulge in some self care. My favourite thing about living alone at the moment is having a super long and luxurious skincare routine. I never spent 40+ minutes layering serums, doing masks and treatments etc. when I lived with FH. I also read and practice yoga more regularly now which I love!
Good luck bee – you will get through this 🙂
Post # 14
Hubby and I met long distance and were long distance for nearly two years.
It was very hard at times, but communicating daily helps. Making time for each other is key. Talking as much as you can. Watching movies with each other. You learn to get really good at communicating.