Post # 1
So yes I am seeing a therapist about this (starting today actually) but I’m kind of curious if anybody else has dealt with something similar.
It started with smoking (hookah). I HATE that my fiancé smokes hookah & while he’s agreed to “cut down”, I am becoming increasingly annoyed and ANXIOUS that he won’t stop. In the middle of a fight I accidentally blurted out “You don’t get to die first on purpose!”. Not normal, I know.
Im realizing now that I obsess about FI’s health quite a bit. I’ve snapped at him for speeding on the NJ turnpike more than once (I still think that nobody needs to drive 80mph unless it’s an emergency…).
I once needed to cool off Bc FI wouldn’t listen to my nagging about the importance of wearing sunblock even in cloudy weather (even though it’s true lol).
A couple that we are close with told us that the wife is pregnant last month. The husband has gone to some sort of closed racetrack to drive his Mustang the week prior. As soon as we were alone I ranted for 10 minutes about how irresponsible it was for the husband to do that with a pregnant wife.
I know I need to chill out. I guess with the wedding getting closer it’s made certain things seem much more real, namely the fact that we are going to get old and die together. I can make my own decisions and go over the top with my health, but I really can’t control what happens to FI on a given day.
Somebody just drove his car onto the sidewalk in midtown a few weeks ago & ran over a bunch of people. Somebody just blew up a concert in Manchester. I feel like I see anti smoking commercials all the time. The world is super dangerous! And I feel like men always die first. Sorry for the dark tone, I’m really stressed out and it’s making both My and FIs lives difficult.
Post # 2
I went through a bout of death anxiety when I was in my early twenties. Mine was stemming from anxiety (which I had gained from a mixture of a medical issue and from the death of a significant other). I didn’t just think about death and the dangers of the world, I agonized over them. I would stay awake at night in panic about all the bad things that could happen. I am glad that you are seeing a therapist about it. That’s what I did, and it faded in time. With the help of a therapist and medication, I began to be able to decipeher when my anxieties about danger were valid and when there were stemming from a more irrational place. There are times when I have certain anxities similar to yours. When my fiance is trying to use his phone while driving or something that I find unacceptable, I tend to feel that anxiety welling. I don’t think it’s wrong for me to ask him to abstain from activites that are more harmful to him, but I do ask myself whether it’s stemming our of pure concern or if it’s anxiety in overdrive or if it is a passing worry or something that is interrupting my daily life. If it is anxiety overdrive and if I noticing it affecting my day to day life, then I acknowledge what it is and try to move on. Good luck with this, bee.
Post # 3
LOL- this is exactly what my fiance does to me, except I am the girl. He is very health consciouse, and even the sunscreen thing he does to me, he generally tries to tell me in the nice soft voice, but it still pisses me off sometimes. I know that he, and you, are only looking out for your partner, and want the best for them, but you also have to realize, that it will cause resentment in the relationship, and cause a parent child type of dynamic. He is an adult, dont insult his intelligence, he knows. Just be a good example, and try to do your best to only offer your opinion on stuff that is worth fighting over. I know ive had it out with my fiance many times over this, it makes you feel like you have no control. I do feel you on the anxiety about death though, I get really scared of losing my FI too and I always think of the what ifs. Its good you are aware of it, and that is affecting your life.
Post # 4
Would life insurance make you feel more comfortable? Being prepared for the future is very smart, and while it sucks to think about, preparing for the ‘what ifs’ might help out. Maybe showing your FI how much premiums go up with smoking might also get him to cut back more too.
Post # 5
jellybellynelly : Lol- I don’t think life insurance would make me feel better. But it might make him stop smoking when he sees the price.
Post # 6
I understand your feelings. My BF wants to take flying lessons and I’m vehamently against it because I’m scared of flying and don’t want him to be up in some small, rickety plane. However, it’s his decision and I will support him if he decides that’s what he wants to do. I still get anxious over death, but as a young cancer survivor, you have to face mortality and deal with it sooner than most. Life can be precarious. You can get sick. Your FI can get sick. Lots of things can happen. However, you are just as likely to be just fine. We all have to be in some sort of denial that we are going to die one day. Know that whatever happens, you can handle it, and enjoy your life with your FI.
Post # 7
megrays : I don’t have this problem but my DH does. He has generalized anxiety though and this is how is mainly presents itself through OBSESSION with health. It’s mostly his health but he struggles with trying to manage my health too. I would highly suggest seeing someone like you said. That’s helped him not manage me as much. He still does it but it’s somewhat better. He’s also dealt with my high risk pregnancy fairly well. Better than I thought.
Post # 8
megrays : I think it’s good you are talking to someone about this, because some of your reactions are over the top. Just because someone is racing a car doesn’t mean they aren’t taking safety precautions and it doesn’t mean they won’t get hit by a guy running from the cops on their way home from work in a 25 mph zone (seriously pulled over the other day when I saw something like that headed my way in a neighborhood by a school). And your poor fiance shouldn’t have to listen to you rage about that as though it was him that chose to do so.
80 on the highway? That’s typical speed out west if you don’t want to die in a truck sandwich. While I’ll agree that NJ isn’t the place, it’s also not atypical everywhere (and NJ drivers are tailgating maniacs, as all of us Delawarians know). Incidentally, in an emergency is the worst time to suddenly start speeding as you’re far more likely to cause an accident via panic and bad spur of the moment decisions.
The hookah I can get behind because I just find smoking gross. Which is why I never dated a smoker. In your case you did and you took him for his faults. You have to let him choose to make that change for himself – you can guide him but you can’t force it.
So what I’m saying is that while life and death are scary, you simply can’t dwell on it. Anything can happen at anytime. Anyone can die first. My grandmother died when I was 3 from brain cancer… who saw that coming? Who knows what caused it? Then grandpa died of stomach cancer about 10 years later. If I freaked out over every cancer-causing factor in life, I’d never do anything, eat anything and eventually die of atrophy and starvation. My couch stuffing is probably killing me while my laptop radiates both me and my unborn child. I can’t let it stop me from enjoying what I’ve got while I’ve got it. And neither can you.
Post # 9
handlecat : morgie20 : mimivac : happy2bee : skunktastic :
Thank you bees for your replies. Glad to hear that I’m not the only person in the world who has dealt with this. Hopefully therapy helps. In the meantime I’ll just ask FI to live in a bubble : D
(no I won’t. I’m actively trying to control myself)
Post # 10
Thinking about death and disease is part of my work, so I do wonder how health issues will affect DH and me in the future. There are so many variables to health. We can plan for the future, but still, no one can predict what will happen. There’s no use in worrying too much. You just have to live for the present sometimes.
Post # 11
craigslistgirl : yes but testing death with unsafe behavior is what gets me!
Post # 12
I get it bee – something about getting married brought out the Nervous Nellie in me too when it comes to DH’s health. I am just panicked that something could happen to him…I mean crazy shit happens to people every day. I do think you’re overreacting a bit, but it’s coming from a good place and hopefully your FI gets that and therapy will help some :).