(Closed) Health issues affecting my marriage. Advice?

posted 6 years ago in Wellness
Post # 3
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Intimacy isnt all just sex. Do you still hold hands? Kiss hello and goodbye? Snuggle on the couch? Say I love you everyday? I was with a man that had depression just as bad and my issue wasnt the lack of sex, but the lack of all of the things I listed. I could do wihout the sex, it was the other things I missed the most. I know its a long hard process, there is a light at the end and I know you will see it soon.

Post # 4
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@anon2675935:  I’m really sorry you guys are going through this. I agree with the PP who said intimacy isn’t just sex; its also the little things like a hug, holding hands, or cuddling. If you randomly find yourself in the mood then go for it. If not then the things I mentioned can work to help you guys stay connected.

Depression sucks big time (I know firsthand). Try and think of things that used to cheer you up or that you like doing. Spend some time every week doing those things and try and get your husband to join you. Spending time together, talking, and having fun can help make you both feel better about the situation.

If you haven’t already then you may want to look into counseling to deal with your depression and the way you view your body. Just talking to someone removed from the situation may help you to feel a little better.

And keep in mind that your husband is supportive of you and he seems to be handling this as well as can be expected. He sounds like a real sweetheart.

Post # 5
Member
5001 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! First of all, don’t even think about trying to do your husband a favor by leaving him. The vows say “in sickness and in health,” and I’m sure he does not want you to leave him because you’re sick!! He just wants to help, and you have to let him try. Men are fixers and I know my Fiance always wants to try to fix whatever is wrong. Even if you know he can’t, work with him and at least let him try. Maybe it won’t be sex, but he could take you on a nice romantic date to rekindle the fire a little, or give you a back rub, whatever! 

I know it seems like your condition is controlling your life, but try not to look at it that way. I’m not trying to say “it’s your fault,” but if you take the mindset of “this condition is making me depressed, not want to have sex, and feel like crap all the time,” then you sure as heck are gonna feel like that. You have to take control of what’s going on and try to make the best of it. Have you seen a psychologist? If you really are depressed, no matter what the cause, you may benefit from therapy. A lot of people get depressed because they have an illness/condition and therapy and/or antidepressants may really help. Maybe a nutritionist could help you figure out how to control your weight, even with your disorder. Keep your chin up, try everything you can to feel better, and it will be ok! 

Post # 6
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

First of all, I just want to OH HONEY you. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this condition and that it’s making you feel so terrible in so many ways.

It sounds like you have more than mild depression going on, to be frank. I think PP’s suggestion of a counselor (think of them like a cheerleader and extra medical consulation!) would be helpful. I don’t know if anti-depressants are counter-indicated while you’re trying to tweak the other meds, but if you keep feeling this bad and it’s a possibility, you may want to try them. It seems like your sadness is really hormonal/chemical based instead of “I’ve made bad choices” type sadness.

Which brings me to my next point. You’re not going to separate from your husband. There are going to be times in your marriage where things suck, and you’re in one right now, but there’s nothing (from what you’ve said) wrong with your relationship. It wouldn’t fix anything and it would make everything worse!

As far as sex goes…even if full-on intercourse isn’t on the table for you, I think you might be able to meet him halfway as far as blowjobs, handjobs, and/or mutual masturbation go. I know that you aren’t feeling sexy, but the love that you have for your husband is clear. Transmute that love into sexual generosity in ways that you can handle right now. What he really wants is the intimacy with you (clearly because he loves you so much too).

Other forms of intimacy building — cuddling, sitting together, doing things together that you love…should help build this closeness.

Finally — my best suggestion in the meantime to help with both the depression and the weight gain — exercise. Nothing fancy…maybe just building a morning or an evening walk into your routine. You could see if your husband wanted to join you as well. I know you already feel super tired, and I’m sure this will tire you out too, but at least you will have burned some calories, released some endorphins, gotten some fresh air and felt like you’ve accomplished something — all strokes in the win column.

Post # 7
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am so sorry that you’re dealing with this! I agree with a PP, I know you’re tired (and even when you’re feeling well it can be hard to get up the motivation!), but exercise might help.

I read this interesting story a few weeks ago about someone who was depressed and felt better when he took up rock climbing. My husband and I love to climb together and it’s great for several reasons.

1. Good exercise

2. If you climb outside (though I would recommend starting inside, cheaper and easier to get started) you get some fresh air, good views etc.

3. There are routes for all levels

4. Great sense of accomplishment, even if you don’t make it all the way up. Climbing makes me feel so strong and sexy, even when I’m not exactly looking my best.

5. It’s graet for bonding with your partner, because you really have to rely on each other to be safe. And you can cheer each other on as well.

I hope you feel better soon!

Post # 9
Member
5001 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@anon2675935:  I think it’s a common misconception that therapy only helps people who are “truly depressed.” Some people are depressed because a spouse died, some people have never had hardship but have a chemical imbalance, some people have hormone imbalances, etc. The worst thing that could happen is that it won’t work, but I’m a firm believer in doing whatever you can to feel better. The unfortunate/ironic thing is that depressed people almost always think that nothing will help them, so it’s hard for them to feel better. Keep working with your doctor, be an advocate for your help, and lean on your husband! I definitely second the exercise idea too, not sure why I didn’t think of that!

Post # 10
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@anon2675935:  I’m so glad that you’re feeling a little better! Rock climbing can be very scary (I am afraid of heights, when I get especially scared I like to tell my husband that we should take up scuba instead, the antithesis of above the ground and all that). Hiking sounds like a great idea, stay warm 🙂

I ready another post that helps me realize something that my husband does that really helps me feel good about myself. Like the op’s SO he’s my body’s cheerleader. If I ever make a negative comment about my boobs for instance he pats them comfortingly and tells them not to listen and that I don’t really mean it. It’s so silly, but it works 🙂

You’re in a really tough place right now, but it sounds like you and your husband are really equipped to work through this together and come out even stronger!

Post # 12
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@anon2675935:  Oh good, I’m so glad it might help you guys! I think being silly can be a big part of being intimate, it is for us 🙂

Post # 14
Member
1466 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@anon2675935:  I completely agree. I almost just related the stories to you, but when I looked back there were so many helpful replies that I wanted to share them as well! They both come from very friendly corners of reddit (r/clmbing and r/sex), which tend to attract very helpful and kind people. You are so welcome!

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