Post # 1
This is not a big dramatic deal or anything, just curious what most people would do in this situation.
One of my good friends from college, call her “L”, RSVPed “yes” right away after getting her invite, sent me messages saying she can’t wait to come, booked her flight, etc. I was happy she was coming as she lives several states away and I don’t get to see her often. That was a few months ago.
Fast forward to yesterday, it’s 4 days before the wedding. I was talking with another friend, call him “D”, that L was going to stay with for the weekend of the wedding. D said L was not planning on coming anymore – she has an uncle visiting from out of the country and her mother wants her to be there to spend time with her uncle.
Now, I don’t know anything about the situation beyond that, but would not be mad at her for spending time with her out-of-country family at all. I’m just not sure why she hasn’t said anything to me.
My question is, should I contact her and ask what’s up / confirm that she’s not coming? I don’t want to be accusatory at all, but could save a little $$ if I canceled the food ordered for her. I also don’t want to rat out friend D if he wasn’t supposed to tell me. FI says to just leave it alone, say nothing to anyone about it, don’t change anything and we’ll see the day of if she shows up.
What did you guys do when you found out about (future) no-shows?
Post # 2
- Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club
I would reach out. Something like, “Hey, just confirming that you’ll be coming in for my wedding” and see what she says!
Post # 3
I wouldn’t directly ask… Who knows how reliable the information is or what L plans..
I might strike up a conversation with L, just how excited you are that you’ll see her at the wedding, and give her a chance to let you know herself.. but other than that I’d just wait and see what happened, despite the fact some food might go to waste.
Post # 4
It’s 3 days before your wedding now right? I assume you’ve already submitted final headcount to your venue? Or can you still cancel hers? If you can cancel hers I would call her to confirm. It’s close enough now to your wedding, that I feel like we don’t need to give her the benefit of the doubt anymore like “oh she might be getting ready to call and tell you.”
How rude if she’s just planning to no-show and not say anything to you. I had people do that for my wedding and it definitely annoyed me.
Post # 5
yeh just ask her. I’d just say your other friend said she might be busy and you just thought you’d double check because he was unsure. Assuming she’s a normal rational human being this will be fine.
Post # 6
If you’ve already paid for her seat and cannot recoup the money, I’d let it be for now. She may be sending you a nice gift or something to make up for it. What’s particularly weird though is that she’d have to travel quite a distance for your wedding….seems like this would have come up earlier. Maybe the friend misunderstood?
Post # 7
I agree with the first comment! Don’t ask if shes not coming- but ask her to confirm that she is.
Post # 8
- Wedding: Malibou Lake Mountain Club
i would reach out and confirm. I did that for a few handful of people
Post # 9
If true, that is grossly rude and inconsiderate. A wedding is not an open house. I’d probably just call and confirm what your friend said. “D” never told you not to. If she says she’s still not sure, I would not be above letting her know that the caterer requires a firm commitment in numbers and that date has already passed or is due immediately. If she admits she wasn’t planning to attend, I’m not sure what kind of friend that makes “L”.
Your FI’s plan is fine,too, as long as it doesn’t disrupt your seating plan or cost you much. If she does no show, then she’s a real jerk. At least you’ll know.
Another option is to tell the friend to tell her she needs to call you herself to let you know immediately. It is also possible she meant to convey the message through “D” which is very classless. In any case, I’d want hear it first hand before canceling your obligation to pay for her meal. If that is even a possibility at this late date.
Post # 10
This happened to me and I just asked. I used similar wording (in a text message) as the above commentors – “hey, I heard you may not be able to make it after all on Friday. No worries if you can’t, but I just wanted to check with you first just in case. Let me know!”
Turns out the person who thought they wouldn’t make it was wrong, the other just had to come late and miss the ceremony, which I already knew about. But it was good to check, just for my nerves.
Post # 11
A lot of you are much more tolerant than I would be if someone actually did this. It is inexcusable to no show to a dinner party, let alone a wedding without an extremely good excuse like an unexpected illness, accident, or death.
Post # 12
I would contact her. If you don’t feel comfortable asking her directly, maybe just shoot her a text saying something like “excited to see you this weekend!” and then see how she responds.
I think it’s rude if she’s planning on no-showing and not giving you any heads up. However, in talking to people while planning my own wedding, it seems a lot of people think it’s better to no-show and not say anything to the bride beforehand because it will cause undue stress. I disagree with this completely but whatever.
Post # 13
Maybe if there’s an emergency the day of, but definitely not four days ahead of time. There’s zero justification for that. My guess is that a lot of people don’t say anything because they plan to pretend there was a last minute crisis.
Post # 14
If it will save you money, I’d get in touch with her. If it’s too late to adjust your catering count, I wouldn’t.
Post # 15
That’s definitely a possibility. I just know that when I had to deal with one guest that apparently was never going to tell me that her RSVP changed from a YES to a NO, I had several people tell me that maybe she did so because she was worried about burdening me. And this was about 2 weeks before the reception. Ugh.
ETA: I completely agree with you By The Way about the rudeness of it all.