(Closed) Heart Broken Bee

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee

Yikes. Now you’re back to dating…have a sincere conversation to see where his head really is. We may get engaged someday? That’s a very unsure, shitty thing to say after presenting someone with a symbol of engagement and bullshitting about it. Take it one step farther backwards and just date, not exclusively…but maybe just to be sure you’re both what the other even wants.

Post # 18
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Ugh, and it just occurred to me on top of all the other awful things about what he did, that it is completely insulting to your intelligence! Did he really think you were stupid enough to be given a diamond ring after a super special night of wining and dining, and actually think it was just any old gift? He was too cowardly to even just say “Oh my gosh, I’m sorry, I just realized I’m not ready for this” and decided to try and bank on either your being really really gullible, or really really dumb instead. What the heck?!

Post # 19
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

Since it was your first anniversary I normally would suggest backing off for a bit and giving it some more time.

what he didthough was just undeniably hurtful and my mind is boggling at it tbh. You’re going to have to do some talking with your guy and some soul searching by yourself to find out if you can be okay after this. All the best to you x

Post # 20
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@ScienceGeekgirl:  I have never heard of anything like this before. How upsetting. I think I would be reevaluating a relationship like this.

Post # 21
Member
1008 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

That must have been so hurtful for you to sit through. Maybe he felt pressured into proposing and then at the last second realized it wasn’t what he wanted. It sucks that he went about things this way; I don’t think I would be able to go back to just dating after that.

Post # 22
Member
8700 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I had a guy propose to me, then change his mind and call it a “secret engagement ring–don’t tell anyone”

I was young and (incredibly) naive and we broke up two years later, when I discovered he never had any intention of marrying me.

Post # 23
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@ScienceGeekgirl:  Oh my god. Reading this made my stomach hurt, I am so sorry this happened. i would be devasted and enraged if I were you. I don’t know what my advice is, but if your SO can go from proposing to “maybe someday” in an instant, you might want to reconsider your plans for the future. I am so so sorry.

Post # 25
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry 🙁 Did he actually get you an engagement ring and is having you wear it? But doesn’t want to marry just yet? Ugh I’m so so sorry my stomach is upset for you.

Post # 26
Member
1744 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2006

@ScienceGeekgirl:  This is strangely similar to something a close friend of mine went through. She and her boyfriend had been together for four years and had discussed getting engaged pretty often. He surprised her one night with a beautiful diamond ring and a heartfelt speech that ended with “be my wife”. She was over the moon. After about two hours (and after she had called her parents and most of her close friends to announce the engagement) he started calling it a “promise ring”. He had let her think for two hours that she and he were engaged before chickening out and retracting it. He had held her hand while she told everyone. Such a coward. She was devastated. Long story short, she realized after a lot of soul-searching that he wasn’t ready and might never be. She is now married to another man who meant what he said when he proposed. I’m not saying your situation is the same, but it sounds similar. If he went through the trouble of getting a ring and presenting it to you but didn’t follow through with the commitment, then I’d say you need to tell him you’re at a cross-roads here. You want marriage. If he can’t see that happening for real, then maybe it isn’t meant to be.

Post # 27
Member
4231 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m sorry this happened

Here’s the thing though. If he’s not ready to be engaged, and you’ve been pushing for it, he may have set this up under pressure then shut down right when things got a bit too real for him. If he’s not ready, you can’t make him be ready. Why don’t you guys put that ring in the closet for a while, put marriage on the back burner for a while, and spend a but more time being happy together? 

Post # 28
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

See, I can buy the “I’m not ready” thing. I can buy the “it’s too soon” thing. But nobody with any compassion or backbone, goes as far as giving a girl an engagement ring only to chicken out as soon as she’s opened the ring box. Even if he did feel pressurised into getting engaged (and we have no evidence to believe that) how the hell did he think that this graceless caper might take any alleged pressure off him?

Because now he’s proved himself to be a cowardly bolter as well as a man in no hurry to commit. Not a happy combination of characteristics. 

Post # 29
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@ScienceGeekgirl:  

 

If he chickened out at that moment and took another two steps backwards by also saying he MAY be ready to get engaged one day he is giving you a message.  You decide if you are listening.

 

He just told you a few things in the cruelest way possible. They include:

 

1) I do not want to marry you

 

2) I do not know if I will ever want to marry you

 

3) I will allow you to continue calling me your boyfriend as long as you don’t expect me to marry you.

 

There.  He made his move.  The ball’s in your court.  If you do not accept what he just told you then drop the subject of marriage and begin to open up your dating options to other men.  Notice that I did not say never talk to him again.  Just start distancing yourself and let him know you’ve decided to see other people as well.  If he asks why you do not owe him any other explanation besides, that’s what you want to do and if he can handle it then cool and if not see ya!  It’s time for you to stop allowing him to walk all over you and for you to start doing the walking.  He will respect you a lot more and more importantly you will respect yourself.

 

Post # 30
Member
5360 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@ScienceGeekgirl:  Wow that just really really sucks. I’m so sorry.

This in NO way forgives what he did, but I have to assume he really really wasn’t ready but maybe felt like he had to propose? Maybe he felt pressured and tried to muscle through it? In any case, he ended up doing the right thing— if he’s not ready to marry you (and “might” not ever be, apparently) it’s better you know NOW than after you announced your engagement, or worse…

Post # 31
Member
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ScienceGeekgirl:  What?? He gave you an engagement ring and then passed it off as just a pretty gift? Omg I would be devastated!!!!! That’s a bullshit move! Of course you hate the ring now it’s just a big slap in the face! Omg … I don’t know how you come back from that.

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