Heartbreaking reality: we'll never be able to "afford" a baby

posted 2 years ago in Babies
Post # 61
Member
9381 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

first, don’t jump to the conclusion that you will need IVF bacause of your age.  yes, my children are IVF, i was 34 when i conceived my 1st and 36 for my 2nd.  but our issues were not age related.  if i was in my 20’s, i would have had the same trouble.

watch season 2, episode 1 of “adam ruins everything” on babies.  saying your fertility ends at 35 is based on very old (think 1800’s) data.

second, i know people who stay at home because the cost of daycare is too high. their paycheck pretty much covers the cost of daycare so it doesn’t make financial sense for them to work.  when the children are old enough to go into public school, they go back to work.

third, people do make it work and make it work with less.  you will need to to make sacrafices. maybe everything you buy is 2nd hand.  and in reality, besides the car seat, bottles, stroller, and furniture, everything i buy is 2nd hand from consignment shops or hand me downs.

Post # 62
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

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msmeow85 :  Heparin is not plavix. Heparin is given via subcutaneous injection like enoxaparin is. Plavix (clopidogrel) is given orally. I’m not sure if heparin can be given to cats but it’s worth considering especialy if it’s only being given prophylactically. In humans with blood clots, heparin is first given IV and titrated to effect (partial thromboplastin time) eventually patients are transitioned to one of the novel anticoagulants such as rivoroxaban (Xarelto), apixaban (Eliquis), among others. These drugs do not need to be titrated to effect so there is no ongoing bloodwork required. Some patients are started on the tried and true warfarin (Coumadin) however using this drug does mean kitty will need to have periodic bloodwork to ensure that clotting times are within acceptable limits for the condition. The novel anticoagulants are not cheap and ongoing bloodwork will add to your costs so not sure which is better. 

Post # 63
Member
5492 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

I wouldn’t put off having a baby if you’re worried about fertility and really want to be a mom.

Money comes and goes but your fertility is delicate. I’m going to be 35 when I deliver our first this year, and started trying at 32 but it took a long time to have a succesful pregnancy. I would prioritize having a child at your age, you never know how long it will take. Then I would sell one car, and look for a job where I can work afternoons or nights when hubby is home to take take of the baby. Working opposite shifts will be hard but you can have weekends together, youll be making an income and won’t have to pay for daycare, and can share one vehicle. I would sacrifice the next 5 years and do that, and have my child(ren).

That’s my advice. Otherwise what are you working for and staying where you are in life? Just to pay the rent and bills? 

Post # 64
Member
5492 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Personally, I wouldn’t put off having a baby if you’re worried about fertility and really want to be a mom. Money comes and goes but your fertility is delicate. I’m going to be 35 when I deliver our first this year, and started trying at 32 but it took a long time to have a succesful pregnancy. I would prioritize having a child at your age, you never know how long it will take. Then I would sell one car, and look for a job where I can work afternoons or nights when hubby is home to take take of the baby. Working opposite shifts will be hard but you can have weekends together, youll be making an income and won’t have to pay for daycare, and can share one vehicle. I would sacrifice the next 5 years and do that, and have my child(ren). That’s my advice. Otherwise what are you working for and staying where you are in life? Just to pay the rent and bills? 

Post # 64
Member
8768 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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msmeow85 :  The grants can be 1,000-4,000 which is “nice” but at this point not firing our realtor over. 

I disagree – $4,000 would absolutely be worth firing your realtor over! That’s a lot of money and could go a long way towards getting rid of your debt. People tend to look at money differently when it’s a big vs. a small purchase, but at the end it’s all the same dollars and cents. 

Post # 65
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee

Doing the math on what you pay each month for rent, car payments, debt, etc. You should still have quite a bit leftover. Where is it all going? You should have around $2k leftover? Groceries, utilities, etc surely cant be that much?

Post # 66
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I have two kids (aged nearly 3 and nearly 1) and we lived in a two-bedroom appartment until very recently. We’ve just bought our first house now. It was absolutely fine living in an appartment with two kids. When we had guests, they slept on the sofa.. one bedroom was for us and one was for the kids. Babies and young children really don’t need a lot of space at home. There are plenty of other things they need, including space and time to run around outside, but space at home isn’t an issue – babies don’t need privacy. I reckon my kids will start to appreciate the privacy of their own rooms maybe at age 8+. 

Secondly, I also worked in a job I hated for 4 years. I did it to pay for our wedding and save up to be able to afford to be a Stay-at-home-Mom for a while and to be able to put some money aside for our future house. I’d say if you don’t like what you’re making at the moment, look for a new job and see what happens. You might make more money AND love your new job, who knows? 

In any case, if you can’t afford a house, staying in an appartment is totally realistic. Plenty of my friends are still in appartments with 2 kids. 

Post # 67
Member
2154 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I also agree that priority should be paying off high interest loans. Otherwise you’re just literally throwing money down the train in the form of loan interest. 

And regarding two cars, maybe you can make it work with one car? We only have one car.. Darling Husband works from home part-time and we take turns using the car. Darling Husband often busses to work. 

Post # 68
Member
3399 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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msmeow85 :  many bed here have asked you to explain where the extra $2k a month in your take home is going, and you still haven’t responded. If your monthly take home is around $5k (which is already being conservative – if you’re making 65 after taxes, your looking at $5400 a month), and your fixed expenses are just under $3k, then where is the other $2k going? Two people surely don’t spend $2k a month in groceries and gas. Hell, i live in NYC and we basically just shop at Whole Foods and are not price sensitive shoppers….and we don’t spend $2k (or even $1k) a month on groceries. So what gives bee? What are he other luxury expenses that your money goes to that you just don’t want to tell us about?

Post # 71
Member
2415 posts
Buzzing bee

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msmeow85 :  Another thing about being (happily) married is learning to be flexible and also to listen to your partner with an open mind and compromise in areas that are important to them. ESP in the area of finances. Sure, you shouldn’t strong arm him. But he also should not be being so stubbon and bullheaded on a topic like this that is literally costing you money and standing in the way of TTC.

I would be incredibly unhappy if my Dh behaved the way yours is about this topic, so rigidly, and with so little care demonstrated for my own feelings on the matter. 

He’s also unwilling to give up his current job, which I’m taking to mean he won’t even consider shopping his resume around and looking for a potentially better situation for himself?

Honestly, bee, he sounds rather self-centered and rigid. Does he even want children or is he just saying he does to placate you? Because it sounds as though he’s not willing to take any action to bring the goal of TTC closer. 

ETA: I’m glad you found the nany share idea helpful. Hopefully it gives you some hope!

Post # 72
Member
6436 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

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msmeow85 :  awww hugs. $65 after** taxes is actually fine! Do public school. Get hand me down baby clothes and gear. Find free museums and parks with your kid when it’s little. Stop eating out for awhile. Quit your job if you have to for 1-2 years or find grandparent care or cobble together something with babysitters. It’s doable I promise!!

Post # 73
Member
1519 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I know it’s scary and uncertain. I’m a planner and a worrier too. But keep in mind it is never the perfect time to have a baby and you could always make more money. Don’t put it off until it’s the perfect time. You will be waiting forever.

My husband and I make less than you too, and living in an average to high cost of living area (depending on what you are comparing it to). We just had our first. We save where we can. You can borrow things for the baby or buy second hand. Babies don’t need a lot for the first three months. They also dont need a ton of space. 

Yes it’s good to be prepared and have a game plan  but don’t over analyze yourself out of a major life decision that you want.

Are there child care subsidies available where you are? And does the government give a child benefit (baby bonus) where you are? That will be some extra money as well if that exists in your area.

Post # 74
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee

1. Babies absolutely do not need a house. They need two loving parents, food, diapers and shelter. That’s about it. You can always thrift clothes, toys and books.  Babies grow so quickly that most “used” baby clothes and gear has barely been used at all! 

 

2. I hate to be ruthless, but between the practice mortgage savings, the $4000 car loan (which will be paid off by the time your baby is 9 months old if you got pregnant today) and the $300 cat meds….there’s your monthly daycare budget.  I LOOOVE animals but I would absolutely never prioritize a pet over a child. Your cat’s had 15 great years with you and if you got pregnant tomorrow, the cat would be 16 or 17 by the time the baby was born.  

 

3. You’re not that old.  My grandmother and her sisters all had babies into their 40’s and that was 60 years ago before any infertility intervention. It’s more your genetics and your environmental stress that will cause infertility than age. Likewise some of my girlfriends had to do IVF at 25 because of medical complications.  For the average woman, fertility doesn’t start the big decline until 37-39. You have plenty of time!!

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