Heartbroken

posted 2 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 16
Member
2579 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

happybridetobe1988 :  to lose a baby that far along in a pregnancy is crushing. I have no advice. Just sending my love to you and your sister and your family. Just be there for her and hug her and don’t tell her it’ll be okay because it’s not okay. 

Post # 17
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

des- :  I’m so sorry for your loss.

Also, yes to everything you said. 

Post # 18
Hostess
3173 posts
Sugar bee

zoraneale :  Thank you. I read your post just now, and I wish I could give you a big hug and cry with you for just a few minutes. Life goes on, but the pain never really does go away. 💜

Post # 20
Member
1129 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

happybridetobe1988 :   I’m so sorry to hear of this. This is such a terrible tragedy. I had a friend go through this – what she seemed to find helpful was just space to grieve. I just sat with her, listened and cried with her. I let her take the lead. I just wanted her to know I was always there no matter what she needed. I’m sure she will reach out when she is ready. Hugs to your sister and your family. 

Post # 21
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

OP: So sorry to hear that, you must all be so devastated. 🙁

Sounds like you’re doing all the right things. Just be there and listen when she needs you to. You may want to talk to friends or family (who may not yet know) about it. Tell them what happened and ask them to give her space, while acknowledging her loss and offering support. 

You’re right, telling people is incredibly hard..my colleagues threw me a baby shower just before I lost my little boy. What was hardest for me: When I came back to work after a six week break post loss/post partum, many of my colleagues assumed that all had gone well and congratulated me, apparently not noting that I had only been a bit over six months along. The congratulations nearly killed me. I wish my manager had informed people, so I wouldn’t have had to deal with explaining to bewildered people that I had lost my baby. Also, while I recognize that miscarriages are quite devastating, it annoyed me when people confused my stillbirth with a miscarriage- and in that heightened state of grief and sensitivity, I felt compelled each time to point out the difference. But what angered me the most was when moms of healthy babies somehow thought they could ’empathize’ with me, by sharing their ‘scary’ birth stories where all ended up perfectly nonetheless. They came from a good place clearly, but they were being incredibly tone deaf. All I could think was that I’d have given anything for a scary birth story, if I could just have my little boy alive at the end of it. 

Des and zoraneale, I’m so sorry to hear your stories. Hugs, mamas. 

Post # 22
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. I know words can’t express the pain. My sister’s first baby passed away within moments of her birth. I don’t know how she dealt with the pain.  One thing that she appreciated was a call on the anniversary of the loss. It’s not something I thought of, but another sister called her and she mentioned she was sad the birthday wasn’t commemorated the next year. I called and sent flowers the next year since I knew how she felt at that point.

Post # 23
Member
2130 posts
Buzzing bee

A friend from high school lost her baby at 22 weeks. A perfectly formed but tiny angel. She said that she has found her guy mates easier to hang out with through it all because they’re not weird about it. Her girlfriends felt uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say. 

Basically there is nothing you can say to make her feel better. You just have to be there for her. Follow her lead. And don’t try and pretend it didn’t happen. I wrote a happy birthday post on my friend’s Facebook wall when her little one should have been celebrating her first birthday – she loved that her baby was acknowledged and that people still care. 

Other bees have given you great advice. Big hugs to you and your family xx

Post # 24
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. 

Know it is okay to grieve with her, you lost your nephew. You don’t need to be the rock and hide any emotions. She might find comfort in knowing he was so loved.

Be there for her as you would for anyone who has lost someone. Offer to be an ear for her, talk to her, offer to grab her favourite foods and movie and have a sister day, let her know she can be real and doesn’t have to put on a show with you. 

Let her know you’re thinking about her without making her feel patronised or as if you are scared she will break (I find some people can make it sound this way unintentionally).

Above all be her sister. You know her best. You’ve been through tough times with her before and I have no doubt you’ll be a great comfort to her during this time.

But don’t forget to allow yourself to grieve and (although I’m sure you’ve already thought of this) ensure her other half and your parents are also being looked after during this time.

Sending love to you and your family. 

Post # 25
Member
3028 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

One of my college friends had this happen to her (delivered a stillborn son). It’s so awful. Our hearts broke for her and even though she went on to have a beautiful daughter this fear of “will it happen again” clouded everything. 

My friend said that her support group was really helpful, but now is not the time for suggestions.

I recommend bringing her favorite foods, going all out with shower gels and bath bombs or bubbles (if you know she is a bath versus a shower girl, maybe throw in some dry shampoo) to tempt her to eat and bathe. if you are and checking in with her regularly. Ask her how she’s feeling and just listen sympathetically. It’s okay to cry with her too. If you see her place is a disaster, help her with something small like doing her dishes.

I’m sorry for her loss.

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