Post # 1
i am a 40 year old man with 2 children and a wife. I am a vey trusting person and yesterday a bomb dropped. My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We have a 3 year old boy together and I have a 8 year old step daughter from her previous marriage. I love my kids dearly. I have my own career and my wife has her own cleaning business. We had an agreement that I will pay for everything and what she earns will go to savings in her account. So over the past four years I never asked to see the account. He lawyer told me that her business was going well and she was saving lots for our and ourhildrens future. All said and done she told me we had about 200 thousand saved up. Yesterday I find out that there are no savings and my credit card is maxed out and I have been told lies. When I confronted her she became defensive and mean towards me. I’m so lost and feel so betrayed. No idea what to do. My children are all that is important at the moment. Any advice?
Post # 2
I would leave but I hate liars. My bias aside, It depends on your dynamics with your wife.Has she even given you a reason to believe she is good with money? You most certainly need to sit down with a financial adviser and likely a marriage counselor to figure out motivation for the lies. Does she have an addiction you dont know about? Possibly another account that shes hiding? Are you in a community property state?
Lawyer up privately, just in case, maybe even get into see a marriage counselor. If you can though sit her down calmly and using I feel statements, being a gentle and as calm as possible, try to figure out what the hell happen to all the money. It doesn’t matter if your actual calm or if your thinking divorce in the back of your mind, the only way you will get to the bottom of this is not being abrasive. Will she likely lie? Maybe, but maybe she was scared to tell you her business was failing or she has some crazy addiction, or owe some loan shark named Jerry.
Good luck with that, hopefully you can get to the bottom of this.
Post # 3
I don’t think we have enough information to say leave her but I would be beyond pissed! What did she spend her money on? Did she have prior debts to pay before you guys met? Does she have good or bad credit? Did you know her spending habits before you got married? I ask beecause some people ignore red flags until those same issues bite them in the ass. There’s so many questions. I don’t think I’d leave my husband over this but there are a lot of details being left out. At minimum I would feel that I couldn’t trust him financially and he wouldn’t be trusted with a single cent more.
Post # 4
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I don’t know that I would leave right away, especially with a family involved. That being said, this sounds like a huge breach of trust and you should consult a lawyer and couples counseling at the very least. You also need to find out what happened and where the money was spent to make an informed decision. I would also wonder if this is new or if she’s always had dangerous spending patterns?
Post # 5
The hardest part is that I trusted her, every week she would tell me how well we are doing financially. I find she Not only put me but our children’s financial future in jeapordy. Toughest lesson of my life. Dreams crushed. ATM we are not talking. I find she has almost no remorse, not even a real tear shed by her while I cried my heart out. Not even a sincere apology.
Post # 6
I just found out my SO is $31,000 in debt. We’ve been together over 5 years and he knows how important financial stability is for me (I’ve been investing and saving since I was 18). This came as a huge shock and there was a day or two where I thought there’s no way I’m marrying this guy. (My divorce is not yet finalized from a 2011 separation). It was hard for me to see this as anything other than a major character flaw.
However in all other things he is an amazing partner. He just buys stupid things. I didn’t get angry with him, but I told him we are life partners and we’ll figure it out together. For better or worse and this is pretty bad. He took out a lower interest loan and he’s being held accountable for lowering everything every month.
I wonder if she responded defensively because she felt attacked-rioghtously though it may seem to you. I think you have every right to feel betrayed and angry, but she’s your family. Maybe attack this problem as a partner, lead where you can, and show her what y’all are capable of as a team.
Post # 7
So she’s been actively lying to you for 4 years?! What on earth has she been spending her money on? How did you find out?
I know you have kids but I fail to see how divorce would not be on the table after this kind of bombshell.
Post # 8
wiktor11 : Im sure you are in absolute shock right now, so please dont make a decision on anything right now until you have a cooler head on your shoulders.
You need to try as calmly as possible to find out what has been going on. Does she have some sort of addiction, past debts, etc. This has been going on for four years so this isnt an accidental something.
A counselor might be in order or it might not depending on the reason. It is a huge betrayal of trust. Its one I have gone through myself. My ex husband had my financial power of attorney while I was deployed and he opened credit accounts in my name, bought a car, then didnt pay for it, nor pay off the loans he took out. It took me 8 years to pay off all the debts he ran up in my name. I was still paying them off when I married my current husband. I was up front with him about my debt and it was mine alone.
We worked out that he would pay the main bills while I paid the utilities, and used what I had left over to pay off anything pending. It took five years to pay off everything my ex left on me.
You do need to secure your finances though, if she is on any of your personal accounts, have her removed. Get her off your credit cards, take her name off any accounts you have at the bank. You need to call any and all creditors. i.e. do you have a mortgage? A car payment? You need to make sure those things have been paid and are up to date.
Did you leave her in charge of making those payments? You might find out you are behind there too. You need to cover your bases.
Post # 9
Step One is to get to the bank and close everything that has her name on it as joint tenant wth you. Same with the credit cards. Second step, talk to an attorney. Find out where you stand and how to protect your non-cash assets.
This was a very high level of deceit. The next question is, where did that money go? You’re paying all of the bills. On what, exactly did she spend $200,000 and whatever open credit you had on your cards? It may seem huge, but burning through $200K over four years is not as grand of an amount as it probably sounds. Nonetheless, she is doing something with that cash, and you have to find out what. The credit card statements should give you some pretty good information.
Addiction of some type is always a strong possibility in these situations. In fact, compulsive spending can slide into a full blown addiction.
There is also a chance that your wife has a mental disorder. To rob her own kids and you of that kind of money is serious behavior. Does she show any symptoms of bipolar disorder? That can be very effectively treated with meds. We also have to consider the possibility of a personality disorder. That is not fixable. Her response, the lack of guilt or shame is highly consistent with the low/no conscience personality disorders.
Thus, my next step would be seeing a therapist. Your wife needs to be evaluated. You could use the support.
A person just doesn’t burn through $200K stolen from her own children just because she can’t live without another Kate Spade bag.
Were you paying attention to her behavior over the ast four years? Did anything seem odd? Unexplained purchases?
Sorry you’re going through this, Bee. Unfortunately, your problem is one with no easy fix, if there is a fix at all.
Post # 10
llevinso : I found out by questioning certain things that didn’t add up. I have zero and we wanted to buy new furniture. Went out and bought 15k of furniture. I wanted to pay it off from her account in one shot as I don’t like debt and it’s in my name. She evaded paying off the furniture. She also maxed out one of my cards and I asked her to pay it off. 2 days later she told me she made a payment and reality was no payment was made. And finally she told me had a lucrative commercial contract in the evenings for a medical office and her workers were doing it nightly. I knew something was up because she never went to check on the workers and no. Phone conversation. I asked to see the contract and kept getting excuses. This Sunday I stood my ground and asked for the Truth. Actually demanded it. It took the full day, my tears and begging for her to come clean. She had no way out so I think she gave in. Not once in our relationship have I asked to see her financial position. Mistake learnt.
Post # 11
Financial infedelity is a huge deal. I would start seeing a marriage counselor, get access to all of the financial information, hers and yours and start trying to rebuild. She should also start seeing a therapist on her own to work out the cause behind this.
Post # 12
Thank you for your opinions, I’m not going to make a decision quickly. It is a lot to digest and try to comprehend. I find it tough when you’re honest and always give from your heart and your partner betrays you daily. Her house of cards fell. Unbelievable how much damage a lie or lies can inflict. I actually feel like an idiot for being so trusting.
Post # 13
tattooedbridetobe2 : I’ve put that on the table. I told her that I will control all finances if this relationship continues. I don’t think she is ok with that but it will be that way. The therapist part to but doubt she is open to that. I’m trying to figure out if she’s a pathological liar and narcissist.
Post # 14
wiktor11 : In My Humble Opinion Financial Infidelity is just as harming to your relationship as romantic or physical infidelity. If someone cheated on you and then refused to take any steps to rebuild that trust, what would you do? Finances are in the top 5 reasons for divorce in the USA for a reason. Don’t throw labels at her, just explain that you will need her to take these steps in order to trust her again and continue the marriage. Maybe not say you want “control” of the finances, you want “total 100% transparency and access to all finances” as well as weekly budget meetings for the family and business accounts. The two of you need to start seeing your financial future and marriage as a partnership and if she can’t do that and refuses to take the steps needed to see it that way, then you need to start protecting yourself legally
Post # 15
I left my exh because he wouldn’t control his spending, nor keep contributing toward it.
That said… You asked her to pay for furniture out of savings and asked her to pay off a credit card from her savings… sounds like you were both using the savings to cover your living expenses. Did that only start in the past month, or have y’all been dipping in regularly?
The lying isn’t acceptable and needs to be dealt with for the relationship to continue.