Heartbroken and lost

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
  • poll: Second chance or move on?
    Leave her : (27 votes)
    53 %
    Second chance : (1 votes)
    2 %
    Needs a therapist : (23 votes)
    45 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    87 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: a beach or a castle or a gardern

    I would leave but I hate liars. My bias aside, It depends on your dynamics with your wife.Has she even given you a reason to believe she is good with money? You most certainly need to sit down with a financial adviser and likely a marriage counselor to figure out motivation for the lies. Does she have an addiction you dont know about? Possibly another account that shes hiding? Are you in a community property state? 

    Lawyer up privately,  just in case, maybe even get into see a marriage  counselor. If you can though sit her down calmly and using I feel statements, being a gentle and as calm as possible, try to figure out what the hell happen to all the money. It doesn’t matter if your actual calm or if your thinking divorce in the back of your mind, the only way you will get to the bottom of this is not being abrasive. Will she likely lie? Maybe, but maybe she was scared to tell you her business was failing or she has some crazy addiction, or owe some loan shark named Jerry.

    Good luck with that, hopefully you can get to the bottom of this.

    Post # 3
    Member
    1962 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2017

    I don’t think we have enough information to say leave her but I would be beyond pissed! What did she spend her money on? Did she have prior debts to pay before you guys met? Does she have good or bad credit? Did you know her spending habits before you got married? I ask beecause some people ignore red flags until those same issues bite them in the ass. There’s so many questions. I don’t think I’d leave my husband over this but there are a lot of details being left out. At minimum I would feel that I couldn’t trust him financially and he wouldn’t be trusted with a single cent more. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    33 posts
    Newbee

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I don’t know that I would leave right away, especially with a family involved. That being said, this sounds like a huge breach of trust and you should consult a lawyer and couples counseling at the very least. You also need to find out what happened and where the money was spent to make an informed decision. I would also wonder if this is new or if she’s always had dangerous spending patterns? 

    Post # 6
    Member
    383 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    I just found out my SO is $31,000 in debt.  We’ve been together over 5 years and he knows how important financial stability is for me (I’ve been investing and saving since I was 18). This came as a huge shock and there was a day or two where I thought there’s no way I’m marrying this guy. (My divorce is not yet finalized from a 2011 separation). It was hard for me to see this as anything other than a major character flaw.

    However in all other things he is an amazing partner.  He just buys stupid things.  I didn’t get angry with him, but I told him we are life partners and we’ll figure it out together.  For better or worse and this is pretty bad.  He took out a lower interest loan and he’s being held accountable for lowering everything every month.

    I wonder if she responded defensively because she felt attacked-rioghtously though it may seem to you.  I think you have every right to feel betrayed and angry, but she’s your family.  Maybe attack this problem as a partner, lead where you can, and show her what y’all are capable of as a team. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    6037 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2016

    So she’s been actively lying to you for 4 years?! What on earth has she been spending her money on? How did you find out? 

    I know you have kids but I fail to see how divorce would not be on the table after this kind of bombshell. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    942 posts
    Busy bee

    wiktor11 :  Im sure you are in absolute shock right now, so please dont make a decision on anything right now until you have a cooler head on your shoulders. 

    You need to try as calmly as possible to find out what has been going on. Does she have some sort of addiction, past debts, etc. This has been going on for four years so this isnt an accidental something. 

    A counselor might be in order or it might not depending on the reason. It is a huge betrayal of trust. Its one I have gone through myself. My ex husband had my financial power of attorney while I was deployed and he opened credit accounts in my name, bought a car, then didnt pay for it, nor pay off the loans he took out. It took me 8 years to pay off all the debts he ran up in my name.  I was still paying them off when I married my current husband. I was up front with him about my debt and it was mine alone. 

    We worked out that he would pay the main bills while I paid the utilities, and used what I had left over to pay off anything pending. It took five years to pay off everything my ex left on me. 

    You do need to secure your finances though, if she is on any of your personal accounts, have her removed. Get her off your credit cards, take her name off any accounts you have at the bank. You need to call any and all creditors. i.e. do you have a mortgage? A car payment? You need to make sure those things have been paid and are up to date. 

    Did you leave her in charge of making those payments? You might find out you are behind there too. You need to cover your bases. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    9102 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2010

    wiktor11 :  

    Step One is to get to the bank and close everything that has her name on it as joint tenant wth you. Same with the credit cards.  Second step, talk to an attorney. Find out where you stand and how to protect your non-cash assets.

    This was a very high level of deceit. The next question is, where did that money go? You’re paying all of the bills. On what, exactly did she spend $200,000 and whatever open credit you had on your cards? It may seem huge, but burning through $200K over four years is not as grand of an amount as it probably sounds. Nonetheless, she is doing something with that cash, and you have to find out what. The credit card statements should give you some pretty good information.

    Addiction of some type is always a strong possibility in these situations.  In fact, compulsive spending can slide into a full blown addiction.

    There is also a chance that your wife has a mental disorder. To rob her own kids and you of that kind of money is serious behavior. Does she show any symptoms of bipolar disorder? That can be very effectively treated with meds. We also have to consider the possibility of a personality disorder. That is not fixable. Her response, the lack of guilt or shame is highly consistent with the low/no conscience personality disorders.

    Thus, my next step would be seeing a therapist.  Your wife needs to be evaluated.  You could use the support.

    A person just doesn’t burn through $200K stolen from her own children just because she can’t live without another Kate Spade bag.

    Were you paying attention to her behavior over the ast four years?  Did anything seem odd? Unexplained purchases?

    Sorry you’re going through this, Bee.  Unfortunately, your problem is one with no easy fix, if there is a fix at all.

    Post # 11
    Member
    418 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    Financial infedelity is a huge deal. I would start seeing a marriage counselor, get access to all of the financial information, hers and yours and start trying to rebuild. She should also start seeing a therapist on her own to work out the cause behind this. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    418 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    wiktor11 :  In My Humble Opinion Financial Infidelity is just as harming to your relationship as romantic or physical infidelity. If someone cheated on you and then refused to take any steps to rebuild that trust, what would you do? Finances are in the top 5 reasons for divorce in the USA for a reason. Don’t throw labels at her, just explain that you will need her to take these steps in order to trust her again and continue the marriage. Maybe not say you want “control” of the finances, you want “total 100% transparency and access to all finances” as well as weekly budget meetings for the family and business accounts. The two of you need to start seeing your financial future and marriage as a partnership and if she can’t do that and refuses to take the steps needed to see it that way, then you need to start protecting yourself legally

    Post # 15
    Member
    173 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2019

    I left my exh because he wouldn’t control his spending,  nor keep contributing toward it. 

     

    That said… You asked her to pay for furniture out of savings and asked her to pay off a credit card from her savings… sounds like you were both using the savings to cover your living expenses.  Did that only start in the past month,  or have y’all been dipping in regularly?

    The lying isn’t acceptable and needs to be dealt with for the relationship to continue.

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