Post # 16
Wow this sounds so similar to my past engagement. It was really hard to be happy about being engaged and make plans without his family’s support. I had no clue that it was just the tip of the iceberg with his family issues and it ultimately broke us up. I hope your fiance puts you first because its about the 2 of you creating a strong foundation for your marriage that no one should be able to come between.
Post # 17
catmom17 : I’m sorry you went through this too. Any coping advice?
Post # 18
Were they shell shocked by the engagement and didn’t know how to react? Did they imagine that they would have been included? Is one of his siblings in a bad relationship or recently married? Could explain their behavior
Post # 19
Thank you, everyone, for offering a lot of really solid advice.
I hope it’s okay to comment on my own post, I wanted to write a general update for any kind soul who is interested:
My FH has explained to his parents that we feel very hurt by their negative reactions, and that we are ready to plan our lives together and are happy to be engaged, and hoping they will support our decision. He made it very clear that their reaction was hurtful, and that we are committed to our decision.
Unfortunately, the closest thing they offered him in the way of an apology was “I’m sorry YOU FEEL upset, but…” from the father.
And apparently the mother has continued to be upset over her imagined failings of my FH and told him “at least get engaged first!” to which he responded “we are engaged” and her reaction was “well she doesn’t even have a RING!!” I can’t believe she is actually just flat out denying the existence of our engagement, but that’s where we’re at right now.
All we can do is give it some more time, and hope they will apologize…we are also scheduling counseling as a couple, because we both believe we really need help in learning how to set boundaries with his parents before we get married.
Post # 20
rockclimberbride : We’ve been racking our brains for a reason but nothing logical fits! They even said they weren’t surprised at all, it’s been something both of our families have been expecting for a while now.
Post # 21
heatdisneybride : That is what I’ve ended up doing. I’m too upset to see them, but my FH has tried speaking to them. I’m definitely going to take some space from them for now.
Post # 22
What an incredibly bizarre situation. I’m sorry they are bringing such negativity to your happy time. It sounds like your fiance’s talk with them didn’t change the situation at all. I think some counseling is a great idea to help you both figure out how to navigate this situation.
Post # 23
Oh, honey. It’s more likely than not that their ‘reason’ has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own dysfuntionality.
Stop wracking your brains. It’s human nature to look for a “why?” when someone does something loony. But, there are occasions on which the only “why” is someone’s pathology. It happens.
I doubt that you really have enough power in the family to foment such a bizarre reaction. For whatever reasons, they don’t want their little apple cart upended.
It sounds as if your fiancé handled things admirably.
Don’t pin too much on getting an apology that may never come. These people are clearly not quite right and you may have to learn to work around them. Aging won’t make them better. Don’t make an apology a hill to die on, it’s not worth it.
Post # 24
From your update it sounds like Future Mother-In-Law can’t wrap her head around being engaged without a ring. What is the reason for not having a ring? Is it because you just don’t want one? Or you guys can’t afford it? If it’s the latter, that might explain the reaction a bit. It still isn’t ok for them to be so outright mean about it, but if you can’t afford a ring you probably can’t afford a wedding, so financial concerns are absolutely valid. That isn’t an excuse to treat you guys poorly though.
Post # 25
As far as I know, the only cost associated with a marriage is a marriage license and most states give a discount if you have went to couples counseling (which you plan on doing). You DO NOT have to have a ring, a wedding, none of it. It’s no one’s business but you and your Fiancé’s.
Set boundaries now and don’t be so quick to forgive. I hope things improve one way or another. Congratulations on your engagment (b/c guess what, it’s legit even w/o a ring)!
Post # 26
sassy411 : I think I really needed to hear this! Thank you for putting it kindly. It’s a bit scary to hear, but I think you’re right about them, and so it is also oddly comforting.
Post # 27
lemonsandlife71 : AMEN to that! We are definitely not asking them for any money (and we never have), nor will we be accepting any money from them either.
Post # 28
- Wedding: December 2018 - City, State
Thats a huge bummer.
Engagement equals commitment. You might even have a really long engagement they were very unsupportive.
I think you guys could just do some reflection and see if they have an valid concerns. talk about what you two want and can manage and just continue on your own oath and let people come around ?
Post # 29
daisymaewaiting : I’m sorry it sucks when people aren’t happy for you. I haven’t had that problem but we had the problem of people not caring to the point we didn’t no how to react when strangers were happier for us then are own parents. I don’t want to say it ruins it but it does make it less exciting. Just try to surround yourself with people who are happy for you. Your fiancé on your side you two should just focus on your relationship and maybe one day they way realize what they did but they may never come around. All you can do is prepare for that as possibility and decide how you two want to handle that. Don’t let them ruin this for you two.