Heartbroken & lifeless.

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
239 posts
Helper bee

Firstly, I want to say good for you for being so in touch with your emotions but also having the capability to decipher situations logically. That’s a really good foundation for yourself that will come into play in your next relationship. 

Right now, you need to take it a day at a time and really get over your ex – and you probably shouldn’t date anyone until you do. Yes, love is out there, and yes you’ll find it, but right now you need to get over your ex and only time will allow that. 

You miss more what your ex meant as far as having a life together and a future, but from the way she treated you, it sounds like it was a good decision for the relationship not to continue. 

You deserve a whole lot more. Running a business, with your father or alone, is time-consuming and difficult, so someone who could be supportive of that would be ideal for you to be with. 

Breathe, OP. You have plenty of time to find someone else to share your life with, and I bet you’ll find someone incredible. Remember your worth, do some reflection about what kind of traits you’re really looking for in a partner, and then remember that compromise on some of that is inevitable, but compatibility is key. Take time for yourself, do fun things, hangout with your friends, but most of all enjoy life and everything it has to offer. When the right girl comes along, you’ll know.

Post # 3
Member
8110 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

berg101 :  

Yes, love really is out there.  Lots of it.  What you had with your ex wasn’t it.  You’re addicted, not in love.  Withdrawal is hell.  But, you do have to slog through it to get to the healthy side.

You’re doing everything right, getting yourself into therapy was the best thing you could possibly have done.  And whatever you do, no matter how you feel, do NOT CONTACT your ex.  That would be as destructive as an alcoholic falling off the wagon. Call a friend, do some journaling, post here, take a walk, anything but contact the ex.

As simplebee92 said, one day at a time.  Sometimes, it has to be one hour at a time.  Or one minute at a time.  You’re trying to recover from a very powerful, very toxic addiction.  Be easy on yourself.

You may want to take a temporary hiatus from dating.  It may not be the best thing for you right now.  What does your therapist suggest?

It’s not easy, Bee.  But, it will be well worth it once you’re free of your addiction.

Post # 4
Member
796 posts
Busy bee

As someone who’s watched my friend go through failures, and obvious failures at that, she’s finally found the guy for her who feels 100% in it with her. She’s 36 and was just about to give up and really think about being alone for the rest of her life with 2 little girls.

But she started learning how to accept things she felt uncomfortable with before, went back to church and connected with the community there, started prioritizing stuff that she always wanted to do but didn’t make time for, and that’s when she found someone who connected with her. 

Your ex honestly sounds immature, impulsive, and doesn’t sound understanding. She is who you loved, but there are way nicer, more communicative people out there where love won’t be the one thread that keeps a relationship together.

Talking to someone in a sane way is seriously so fucking hard as it is that you need someone who will look at you and listen and feel the need to meet you at least half-way if you want to see their face every single day. Shit happens, medical shit happens, death happens, mistakes, those are shocking moments that cause extreme stress. You will find someone who’s on the same page, someone who will always think of you first.

Post # 5
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

berg101 :  first of all – you did not screw up.  She screwed up the relationship the moment she tried to control you.  It is not from your doing – it is her own choice.  You saw her true side/crave – she wanted control over you so she can treat you like dirt but know you wouldn’t leave her.

Secondly, you just separated from your ex fiancé 4 months ago so it make sense you haven’t found someone new.  There will be someone else you will meet and love.  And it will get better and eventually you’ll look back and realized that you dodge a bullet.  But for now you need to let yourself emotionally recover.

My brother was in an abusive relationship as well.  He was with her for about 1.5 years and then he finally realized she didn’t want a future with him… but she didn’t want to break up yet.  He still loved her dearly when he left her and it took him many months to realize and accept that she was very toxic to him and that he dodged a bullet.

So take some time for yourself and focus on yourself.  

Post # 6
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2000

Yes absolutely love is out there and with a heart like yours I am positive you will find it !

 I have to say that your ex sounds pretty immature and kinda selfish she can’t expect you to be a mind reader or a psychic and to be honest why would you even for one second think that was what she wanted you to do go fight for her?!?!

no hun you will find a wonderful person who will treat with the respect and love you deserve but in the mean time you keep working on you to get yourself back to good again and from the sounds of it you are on the right track!

happy early birthday!

 

Post # 7
Member
1728 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Yes, love is out there. Good job working with a therapist!! I had a horrible breakup when I was 25. I also worked with a therapist. It was so hard at first!! Things eventually got better.

I continued to work on myself and I did things that I enjoyed doing. I starting riding my bicycle and playing in a band. This time after the breakup helped me “find myself” again. During that period of “finding myself” I met my now husband. That was over 20 years ago! 

Post # 8
Member
823 posts
Busy bee

I know from experience that you are going to be just fine.  More than fine.  Your recognition that you needed to work with a therapist is admirable, and definitely a great first step.  You were in a long term relationship, and as such, it will take you quite some time to get over the need for companionship.  Because that’s what it is… a need for companionship.  Your ex wasn’t an exemplary girlfriend, and the two of you weren’t compatible.  But you got used to her being there, and that’s totally normal.  I went through the same withdrawals after my divorce and the end of another relationship, and it’s REALLY terrible. 

The good news is that once you get to the other side, your entire world is going to get better.  You can start working on that now.  Spend time with friends and family, pick up a new hobby or two.  One day, you’ll hit that moment where you feel comfortable and truly yourself.  When you get there, start dating again.  Happy and balanced people attract other happy and balanced people. 

In the meantime, have you thought about seeing if your doctor can prescribe you anything for your anxiety?  There are medications that can help you from getting into these anxious and obsessive patterns.  I have anxiety, as well, and my meds have been a godsend for when life gets too overwhelming.  

Post # 9
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Yes, love is out there. Absolutely. That old saying, ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea’ is so so true. Especially for someone like you! There is always things that we can learn from every heart break, the positive thing is that you will be stronger and a better person from it. Try to focus on the positives right now, and the next time you meet someone, you will be more empowered with more tools to be able to say, ‘this doesn’t work for me’ or ‘this works great’. 

Many of us here had to kiss a lot of frogs before we got to our prince/princess. A lot of heart ache, pain, misery. But at the end, when you find that special someone, it will all be worth it. Time truly heals all wounds. Don’t give up now, you have yet to realize your full potential! One foot in the front of the other…one day at a time. 

Good luck Bee!

Post # 10
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

Yes there is plenty of love out there! There are so many great stories on these boards of someone getting out of a toxic relationship and findind one that is amazing. One of the things I noticed dating my current boyfriend over other guys I dated in the past is that it is just easy. Being wtih him is just so natural, and happy, and simple. I know we are in the honeymoon stage still but we have similar communications styles, whenever I have something to talk to him about he listens, and we talk it through together. He cares very much about my happiness and I the same for him. You can just tell when its a good relationship because it will have that natural feel to it. 

I do think people have it right in that you are going through addiction like withdrawls from this relationship. It really isn’t that she is such a catch or such a wonderful person that is making you so upset to lose her. So just remind yourself of that. I am sure the therapist will also be helping you see that this is more about you than your ex. Your future does not begin or end with her. Your future and happiness is dependant on you. You have control of that, and there is someone wonderful out there when you are ready for a relationship in the future. 

Post # 11
Member
498 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

I suspect deep down you already know this but yes, you don’t get just one change at love.  In fact, I’d broaden it to say a chance at a healthy, sustained relationship.  I know you loved her but as you see now that relationship was incredibly unhealthy.  The good news is you realized that and hopefully, once you’re ready, it will help you seek out a better partner in the future.

Post # 12
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I had to learn this the hard way, but passion isn’t always love. Just because what you had was intense, doesn’t mean it was right. What she was doing was manipulating your emotions to get a sense of entertainment and fulfillment in her life, and that isn’t the sort of thing a mature person does to someone they love. If a person in a relationship (her in this case) needs to artificially create extreme lows in order to enjoy the highs that come naturally in a relationship, they either don’t respect the person they’re with or they’re not mature enough to be in a relationship. I know this is hard to internalize because you loved her so much. She’s not ready for any sort of long-term relationship if this is how she acts. Love does exist beyond her for you, and it’ll probably be less exhausting when you find it. 

Post # 14
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

First, happy birthday 🍰 this internet stranger hopes you can have a good day.

Second, having a dog is FAR from a burden.  If it puts anyone off having a relationship with you, they weren’t the right person for you.  He sounds awesome (what’s his name?  Can we see a picture?!) and don’t ever think that he is going to put someone off.  It sounds like your ex was exactly the way you thought – wanted the cuddles but none of the responsibility.  Please don’t think all women are like that – my husband and I have a dog and we share the walking, feeding, picking up poop and all the other responsibilities that come with having a dog – and he loves us both equally.  He’s just come over and rested his chin on my leg as I’m writing this, which I am going to take as him sending you and your pup some love too 🙂

Just keep on keeping on.  It’s a cliche I know, but time will help.  Play with your pup – he can help you through this.  Sounds like your therapist is a really good one so keep on with seeing her too.  Learn to love yourself! And keep posting here if you feel the need – this is a really supportive community 🙂

Post # 15
Member
8661 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2016

What you had with your ex wasn’t love. It was toxic, immature and not healthy for either of you. Love isn’t hard, it’s the easiest thing in the world. I’m always leery of “passion”, sometimes passion is just a pretty word that really means toxic. 

You’ll move on and find someone to share a healthy mature love with. 

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