- 2 months ago
This is my first time posting on this site, but I have to say I’ve read a lot of the posts on here and think you lot can be so insightful, so thought I’d get some advice/encouragement.
I’m a 28 year old male and about 4 months ago my Fiancee and I separated. We’d bought a house and got a dog together and were planning our wedding. We’d been together for five years and it was such a strong, fiesty/passionate relationship. We loved strongly and we fought strongly (that was mainly as a result of her upbringing and being unable to apologise or let anything go). I thought these things meant true love, I know now that’s not the case. Despite all that, I still loved her more than anything in my entire world – I would do anything for her and then one day, she comes home and says that she’s not happy and just ups and leaves. She tells me she worships me and loves me so much but knows I’ll never change (a bit of background, my Father is an alcoholic and we have a family business together and at times, his drinking can put a lot of pressure and stress on me and can cause me a bit of anxiety – this is something that she can’t particularly fathom and has always annoyed her because she thinks I put her last). Anyway, I was having a particularly bad week and she went away with two friends for a few days and upon her return, I was in a pretty bad way, we argued and then the day later she left and went to stay at her friends for a couple of days to get some space. She came back a few days later and left for the last time.
The issue we had was that she was so angry that we weren’t able to communicate properly and talk about how we can sort things out, I really wanted to but she would throw things, push me, and basically spit venom at me with some of the things she’d say. She would be horrible about my family and about my brother who is basically my best friend. Over the course of the next month, I tried talking to her, I would give her space and then when she’d get in touch I would try and talk to her on the phone and told her I loved her and we could fix this and she would get angry and say it’s too late and would hang up. I just couldn’t talk to her without her getting so cross – especially since I was trying to remain so calm and have never and would never say nasty or hurtful things, nor would I use any sort of physical violence against anyone, especially her. I then later find out that she was waiting around for me to come and get her, to come and fight for her – in her head it seemed like all this was some game. She even admitted that she expected me to come and that she didn’t want us to be over, so why the hell would she do this?! That confused me and really made me feel guilty, even though she knew exactly how I felt and we both knew that if I’d have turned up at her mum’s house (where she was staying), with flowers, she’d have thrown them in my face. It also got me thinking – why would someone who loves someone so much, want to put them through this hell?! Her threatening a relationship breakup was something she did every time we fought. My confidence and self respect diminished after each argument because of it – I could never risk being right.
I’ve been working with a therapist over the past four months and she’s been absolutely fantastic and to be quite honest, I wouldn’t still be here if it wasn’t for her – things got so, so bad that I was really contemplating taking my own life, that’s how wrapped up in all this I was. My therapist told me that I needed space from her, I need to take back control of my life and I needed to stop all communication with her – she was toxic and just wanted me to suffer and feel guilty in order to lift her up (obviously the therapist has more background knowledge of her than you guys have from the above).
Anyway, as my 29th birthday approaches (tomorrow), I sit here now, shaking with fear, anxiety pulsing through me – I’m terrified of being without her, terrified of her meeting anyone else, terrified to go it alone. I miss her so much and although my days are getting better, without her I feel afraid. I want to go home to our house, her smell and just… her. However, I now know that even if she came back, things wouldn’t change, things would continue down this path and I can’t live my life like that and that’s what I’m coming to terms with.
I guess my question to you all, is love really out there? I feel like I had my one true shot at it and I screwed it up and now I’ll never find someone to love again. Yes I’ve been on numerous dates, all who wanted to take things further, but I couldn’t – things were still too raw for me and I didn’t want to lead people on. I’m kind, I’m generous, hugely loveable and I love making people smile – my self-confidence is so low, that those traits were incredibly difficult for me to list. The most important thing for me throughout my whole life has been to eventually find and have a wonderful, passionate and deeply loving relationship with someone, and I thought I had that and it scares me to death to potentially think of a life without that.
I just thought it would be beneficial for me to get a woman’s perspective on things – I’m sorry if I’ve posted it in the wrong forum, but any advice you can offer would be so amazing and I’d be eternally grateful.
Sorry for babbling.
Any advice you guys can