- 2 months ago
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter's Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
And because I can, here’s my goofball sending you some love:
And because I can, here’s my goofball sending you some love:
Happy birthday! Love exists. And it’s out there for you. You will be happy in love again one day. I promise.
Happy birthday! I hope you can celebrate with your friends or family and make a few happy memories today.
I rarely post on here but your messages really touched me. You seem great and I am sure that you will land on your feet. Your therapist sounds amazing – and I think she’s right, at the moment you should focus on yourself. One of the most powerful experiences of my 20s has been to learn that I’m capable of changing – the things I dont like about myself aren’t immutable. It just takes hard work and patience. You can do it!!!!
With time, you’ll feel better without your ex-fiancee. She seems like a piece of work and seems to have been badly mistreating you. Be patient – love is out there for you! I agree that online dating is garbage which makes you think of people as disposable, and I think you’re right to keep yourself off it for your own sake.
Best of luck, I am rooting for you!!!! x
berg101 : Once you start dating again, I think you’ll find that your dog is an asset rather than a burden.
I have four dogs, and while some men on the dating sites were put off by that, it doesn’t overshadow who I am as a person. The men who would ultimately have been compatible with me still reached out.
berg101 : Awwwwww, so cute!!! And happy birthday!! I LOVE animals, waaay more than I like people. I think meeting someone who is patient and adores your fwuffy companion is a very good litmus test for the kind of person they are. ^_^ someone who looks after others isn’t only there when the weather’s nice.
If the next one doesn’t accept your dog, I’d really look hard at how compatible you two are. Animals greatly reduce my anxiety and stress and make me feel really happy. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t love animals. They are part of my life.
You need to not settle and understand if something feels wrong, trust that feeling. Don’t worry so much about what your brain says in those moments, think about how you feel.
After finding out about how she treated your dog, my opinion of her just went to shit. So glad that belligerent loser is out of your life. You’re way too good for someone like her. Smh -_-
You sound exactly like my fiance a year before he met me.
He and his ex were together for 3 years. They had lived together most of that time.
She was similarly toxic and emotionally manipulative.
She would threaten to break up to bend him to her will.
She would say mean things about his family and his friends to try to come between them and to isolate my fiance all for herself. The more isolated these people can make you, the more they can feel they have total control over you and your perceptions of them, yourself, and the world.
She told my fiance repeatedly that he was “lucky” to have her, than no other woman would ever “put up” with him, and that he’d “never find anyone as good” as her.
She repeated these things for so long, and insulted him so many time, and twisted situations around so that HE was to blame for everything so many times that… he began to believe it.
And once you begin to believe the things these toxic people are telling you, you are reliant on their presence and their affection for all your feelings of self worth.
And that’s exactly how they want it to be.
The more you look to them for approval, the more control they have over you, and the better they feel about themselves in return.
It’s all a very selfish game they use to bolster their own incredibly low self-esteem.
They are never happy (because low self-esteem), and it’s easier to blame someone else than to look inside yourself and face some ugly truths. So you were made to blame for everything that went wrong in your relationship.
And YOU were made to be responsible for HER emotional state.
If she was unhappy, it was YOUR fault.
If she was mad, it was YOUR fault.
If she threw things or otherwise behaved badly, it was YOUR fault.
So. I’m really really really glad she left you.
Here is the Narcissist cycle:
Idealize: honeymoon stage – they will lovebomb you and make ALL the promises, best behavior
Devalue: Arguing increases and escalates, suddenly everything’s YOUR fault
Discard: They finally grow bored with their “subject” and move on to a new one
And if they happen to come back to you, or you “win” them back, the cycle just starts over again.
My fiance’s narcissist ex left him, just like yours left you. And you are so so so lucky she did.
My fiance was similarly upset, floored, heartbroken, lifeless, everything. Afterall, he had bought into her view of him as worthless so he thought he had nowhere to go and would always be stuck in that terrible place.
Well, he eventually started comnig out of it, around the 4-6 month mark and started casually dating again.
He and I met on Tinder, almost exactly 1 year after his break up, and we have had a whirlwind, fairytale relationship ever since the first date.
Sure, we disagree sometimes. But we always discuss calmly and as equals. If voices start raising, we take a break. No one yells, no one blames, or attacks, or curses.
We are perfect for each other. I helped him to see that he was nothing like the picture she had been painting for him all those years. He is a new, entirely different man.
He’s now the man he NEVER could have been in his past relationship.
Narcissists won’t LET you thrive and grow and become your best self. They feel threatened by that.
But with a healthy, loving partner, you can become an entirely different person from the person you feel like you are today.
He did a lot of it on his own. He found the strength to try to feel better about himself. Then he kept dating in the face of rejections and failures. He got back up on his feet and stayed there.
Then he found me, and I’ve helped him even futher, and now we are getting married in 3 days, and we will continue to help each other to grow and flourish for the rest of our lives.
You WILL find someone who wants to help you grow and flourish, but you have to start the process yourself. And you have to have faith above all else.
ETA: I just read your update.
Fi was also an incredibly vulnerable person who lives to please others. This is because he was raised by a narcissistic mother who made him and his brothers responsible for HER emotional state their whole lives. So they were trained from a very young age to walk on eggshells, and to drive ALL their thoughts and actions toward NOT upsetting her.
Obviously, if you are raised this way, you will go out into the dating world and operate the same way.
I’m so very glad you have this therapist and that she will be guiding you forward.
I grew up with a drug-addicted mother and similarly entered the dating world wanting to do whatever it took to keep my partner happy, and I too wound up with a Narcissist who emotionally abused me.
After that relationship, I dated casually here and there, but my main focus was on my SELF. I read all the self help books on dating, attachment styles, narcissists, healing from abuse and trauma, etc. I started meditating. I learned about Ego Suppression, and have practiced it ever since.
There’s a lot of joy to be found in the journey toward learning to love yourself. You realize how depleted and fragmented you’ve always been. You learn how to fill yourself up and heal all the cracks.
You can definitely do this. The first goal is to summon the energy to start setting yourself some goals. #gymlife? #selfhelpbooks? #newhobby? #readinglist?
Whatever you decide to do, start orienting yourself toward the future, not the past.
Happy birthday! I hope you were able to enjoy it. You’re going through a tough time, but you’re on the right path and you’re doing a great job dealing with it! Love is definitely out there.
Thanks again everyone. This is the most amazing community and I’m so grateful to you all for taking the time to write.
I couldn’t agree more about the narcisistic issues and it has ripped myself apart, to the point where I now no longer know who I am – I’m having to rebuild my whole self, which is incredibly daunting. I would say though that one thing that’s good about all this is that it’s forcing me to learn to love myself. I could quite easily hop straight into another relationship – it again would end up being another toxic coupling and certainly not what I need – thus, the cycle continues. I want to stop this from happening and I want to reset my mind so I’m able to live a happy, healthy life.
I know all the depression and the negative thoughts would disappear instantly if I got into another relationship – but I know that would be the wrong move and I’m really holding out – it’s hard, but I know in the long run it will be worth it.
Can I ask, when you guys have gone through a horrible breakup, how do you stop yourself from thinking about what your ex is doing and who they are doing it with? It scares me, when I think of those things, my self esteem plummets and I feel like I could be sick. Is there anything I can do?
Another thing, I feel really stupid thinking this and I know I’m only 29 years old, but I feel like I have nothing now (stupid I know), I feel like I’m really old to be starting this whole dating thing again and I get embarrassed when people ask if I’m single and when my last relationship was etc.
Thanks again everyone – amazing responses and I cannot tell you how grateful I am to you all.
Fake it ’til you make it.
And try to always remind yourself that this isn’t anything to be embarrassed about. I’ve tried to teach my friend to say, “Fuck it,” whenever she starts to wonder if she should do, or say, anything. Letting ourselves ruminate in worry doesn’t lead to us being open with ourselves or another person.
My friend is now much better at saying things on her mind, much better at receiving information that her new boyfriend wants to talk about (she used to freeze and not say a single word in past relationships).
It’s definitely about practicing thinking different thoughts. Changing your mind about how you see yourself and your life. You have much more control than you think.
I used to force myself to write about things I liked to help stop my suicidal, angry, nihilistic thoughts. It did work. You just have to stop thinking in the same way you do now. At first it will feel stupid and fake, but it will eventually feel better and better when you “allow” yourself to think thinks are good and when you purposefully think well of yourself.
Happy Birthday. I wish nothing but excellent health and I hope you had a great day. 🙂
To answer your question: Love really does exist.
But healthy love is not usually passionate/fiery. Not as as general descriptor. Those kind of relationships usually end up fizzling-out, or toxic behavior develop between the two. Passion feels great. Fiery is great. But not at the expense of communication, loving, mental or emotional health. Lasting love doesn’t always have that all-encompassing “spark”. I know people who date others and break up quickly because they aren’t stirred by intense desire and think there’s something wrong.
I think the problem with many people is that they tend to think of comfort and quiet love as boring. So they seek people they can feel intense emotions with. And when it doesn’t work out, the great big low finally hits, and it hurts unlike anything ever felt. I know this because that happened to me before I met my husband. I was always searching for that high that being with men gave me, and it never worked-out.
The push-pull dynamic that you two shared was incredibly unhealthy. You don’t want to be with someone who is emotionally unavailable, or someone who withdraws at any attempts at intimacy. There ideally needs to be similar levels of opening up to each other. To me, real love is easy. It’s easy to open up. It’s easy to be vulnerable. It’s easy to maintain connection. It might not be intially easy, but if the person is not willing to make an effort to connect, why waste your time? She didn’t deserve you.
To give you an idea: my hubby was the only person I dated whom I didn’t feel intensely passionate and that “spark” with. It’s the easiest, happiest relationship I’ve been in. He’s the best, and I love him more everyday.
Choose someone your connection just “flows” with.
A lot of people have said that about the ‘spark’ in a relationship. Through social media and films and the like, we see these passionate romances and start to believe that’s what’s normal and expected of us. I’m now starting to see that completely differently.
Today’s been a tough day so far – I woke up very chirpy and as I was walking the dog I began to allow my mind to drift off and started thinking about my ex and about her with someone else and it started to make me feel sick, to make me shake and got me thinking about my life and about how I would cope if I didn’t meet anyone. I know it’s silly but I find it very hard at times to lift myself up and to think about the positives of our breakup, instead of the negatives. I’m starting to romantasize everything that happened in our relationship and it makes me miss her…. a lot.
I know you guys are probably sick of this ‘whining’, but I’m just finding it incredibly difficult at the moment and I’m feeling very, very fragile. I feel like one wrong move will just tip me over.
Also, as per a previous request – here’s a picture of Frankie.
First of all, happy belated birthday! I hope you had a good time with your friends in the end.
In terms of how to stop thinking about an ex, it is such a cliche but it really is time, and keeping busy. As PPs have said, you take it one day at a time and one day, you’ll wake up, be brushing your teeth, and suddenly realise that you didn’t think about your ex when you woke up. And it will just keep moving in that direction until one day you’re truly over her and hopefully (when you’re ready), you’ll find someone else.
In terms of being too old, no way! 29 is so young and so much time to find someone who will be good for you and make you feel loved. My husband was in a similarly toxic relationship with his ex – I would call it emotionally abusive. She used to throw him out as if it was no big deal, scream at him, the works. When I met him, you could still see the effects of it – he was overly apologetic for the smallest things and always scared I was going to blow up at him.
I remember once being a bit annoyed at him as he stayed out later than he had said he would be and I had gotten worried. When I went to bed I stupidly put the chain on the door on autopilot which meant he couldn’t get in. When he called me to wake me up to let him in, he said he assumed I had done it on purpose out of anger as that’s the type of thing his ex would have done.
He was 34 when I met him and while he didn’t have a dog, he did have a young son with said ex. We have now been together for 3 years and got married in April. Please don’t lose hope – the right person is out there for you but until then, follow your therapist’s advice and work on being happy just being you.
Best of luck xx
Ps your dog is lovely!
My ex wouldn’t lock me out or throw me out, but she would often threaten to leave and whenever we had an argument – usually about something so small, it would blow up into a massive thing and she would lead us down the ‘breakup road’ all the time. Throughout these arguments, most of the time I would be sat there thinking ‘what are we even arguing about?’ – I had no idea.
A really scary thought for me at the moment is thinking that I actually don’t know what love is – Ive told 3 ex girlfriends prior to my ex fiancee that I loved them, and I genuinely thought I did. Then I met my ex fiancee and boy, I was smitten – I fell head over heels and I thought ‘this is true love, what I had with those other girls was nothing – this is passion, this is spice’. I would often think how I would survive without her. She would say to me ‘I hope you die before me because if I died before you, you wouldn’t be able to cope without me’. I thought that was really caring and a nice thing to say, now I look at it and think ‘wow, you thought that little of me’.
Since I was about 13 years old, my life has revolved around the thought that I need to find someone to make me happy, find someone to love and who loves me and to build a life with – I had that, and now it’s gone. Friends all around me are getting married and having kids and I’m back to square one. It’s a really difficult concept to get my head around, and it’s really hard.
Due to her narcisistic personality and my ‘fixer’ personality, she’s worn me down and taken me to a point where I don’t know who I am. I hate saying no to people and will often go to places that I don’t want to go to. I put everyone else before myself and I take critacism and blame to heart. I place my happiness in the hands of others and I’m incredibly easy to manipulate. My thoughts aren’t my own, they are what other people tell me to think. Although I’m trying to work through all this and change that, it’s not easy and is taking time. 4 months in now and I thought I’d have forgotten about her by now, but yet I still find myself having dreams about it, I crave her and I crave sex with her – I still compare other girls to her when I meet them – she is on a pedastool for me and I don’t know why.