- 3 years ago
I went anon for this one because I’m just looking to vent, and also for some support or advice.
Long story short: My friend Lena and I have been almost inseperable (but long distance) friends for 3 1/2 years. We got in a fight last May and have still been close, but not as close. I decided to only have one person stand up at my wedding, my Maid of Honor, and chose my childhood and closest friend Marie. Lena was very hurt and impossibly inconsolable, hurled insults at me, and we haven’t spoken in a week. As of now, I haven’t sent her an invite for the wedding and may not.
Long story long:
Lena and I met three summers ago in a bathroom while we were both at a festival. She liked my tattoo and I liked her outgoing personality. Within minutes we became spontaneous friends and have been SUPER close ever since. Road trips, sleepovers, etc. When we met she was married, and had married young (18). She also became close with my then-boyfriend (now fiance)’s brother and ended up cheating on her husband with him (her husband was away at basic training). Let’s call him Doug. Anyways, Doug fell head over heels for her and made plans to move from his home state Montana, to Alaska to be with her. He arrived and, within 5 days she had reconciled with her husband and decided to move across the country for him. Doug was heartbroken, and ended up living with my Boyfriend or Best Friend and I for a few months before returning to Montana. Meanwhile, Lena and I stayed long distance friends, talking on the phone, having skype dates, and generally texting each other a LOT.
During the next few years she cheated on her husband a couple more times, and would question leaving him or staying, and get mad at me if I didn’t validate her every whim. Finally, last February she took the big leap and actually moved out. Then… Her dad died. She accidentally told me the wrong date for the funeral (right day, wrong week) and I told her I would be there. But as the day approached, she corrected her error.. and I had already planned a vacation to Washington with my Boyfriend or Best Friend (still the same one). She was furious and called me horrible names, called me a selfish, horrible person, and told me she would never forgive me. Although we were camping and I had my phone off she basically texted me multiple times every day and harrassed me for the entire time I was gone. I, of course, felt horrible that I wasn’t there for her and questioned whether I was making the right decision by going on my vacation, but I was also very hurt by her reaction.
About two weeks later she called me and told me she was ready to talk. She never apologized for anything she said, but I understood she was in a lot of pain due to her loss, and angry. We talked it out for the next few weeks, and I thought we were ready to move on with our friendship.
During this time, she also confessed to me that she had started having an affair with a married cop. I was concerned for her safety, should anything happen to anger him, and expressed my concerns to her but was generally neutral about the situation. Well, it was revealed that the guy had not only a wife but also a six month old daughter, and Lena continued to sleep with him, even hiding under the bed once when the wife came home (!!!!!!). THEN, she decided not to use protection and got pregnant. After making arrangements to move back to Alaska and move in with her mom and have the baby, she decided to get a late term abortion. I am pro-choice and believe that having the baby would have put her in a horrible situation for life, but I guess I was just disappointed in her, and her actions leading up to it. And to top it off, she never told the wife.
So, she moved home and we have seen each other a handful of times. But ever since I got engaged she has been super pushy about the wedding – she’ll ask me a question like “so have you decided on colors yet?” and when I tell her my colors she will ridicule them. It’s been that way with the dress, venue, and food as well. I just feel like none of my choices are good enough for her, even though she is the one who asks.
Anyways, about two weeks ago we got together after not seeing each other over the holidays, due to our obligations. She asked me if I’d chosen anyone for my bridal party, and I told her yes, who it was, and my reasoning (small and simple). She seemed fine but later texted me calling me a horrible friend, telling me that I’d never amount to anything because of my impending marriage, that I’m selfish for talking about marriage and kids, telling me that my fiance is a “piece of shit” for not “allowing” her to stand up in the wedding (?), and admitted that she had never forgiven me for being away during her dad’s funeral because “you don’t deserve to be forgiven”.
This was all over text and I am just so hurt. I cried for hours after our fight and I haven’t talked to her but I don’t know if I should anymore. I have never had as close a friendship as I have with her, but I have also never had anyone (friend, lover, parent, family, ANYONE), blow up on me like she has. I just don’t know whether it’s worth it to try to rekindle this friendship, ever.
For those of you who have taken the time to read through all this nonsense, thank you. What do you think? Am I the horrible friend? Am I a bad person for not being there for her? What do I do?