(Closed) Heartbroken over MOHs behavior, FI and I don’t want her in the wedding

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2416 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m really curious as to what you feel you have done thats so dirty?

Clearly it seems as if you have have some very strong convictions and have already made up your mind. If she enjoys going out and drinking/clubbing, etc. and you find something horribly wrong with that then it doesn’t sound like you have much in common. Especially if you judge her for it.

Also, unless there was a gun to your head, you weren’t foreced into anything. However, if she knows you well, she shouldn’t have provided activities that you wouldn’t agree with.

Post # 4
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Unless she was holding a knife to your throat, she didn’t “force” you to do anything against your will. Sure, it might have been awkward, but you had the option to get up and walk away from whatever was going on, call a cab, excuse yourself, whatever.  I mean, even if my very best friend organized a party and I was uncomfortable with something that went on, I’d leave – unless she was going to kill you or stab a kitten or something.

You guys might have some major differences and issues, but as far as the bachelorette party goes, it sounds like you’re projecting a mistake YOU made on to her because she organized it. Unless it was something illegal, this is a matter of you two having different philosophies – and hers is her choice, just as it would have been your choice to excuse yourself.

If you feel that you two are not friends anymore, you need to tell her that. Don’t string it along just because of the wedding.  But I’d take a few days to reflect on this. Are you TRULY mad at HER, or are you mad at yourself, and dealing with it by blaming her?

 

Post # 5
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I haven’t signed in in a week and I signed in just to comment on this.  I agree that attendants should share your values, and from the first part of your post, I would agree with you.  But now I want to know what she “made,” you do at a bachelorette party that you’re physically ill over?

As another poster said, she didn’t hold a knife to your throat, you made a decision, and perhaps are now projecting your guilt onto your friend in the way of judgement for her lifestyle.    If I were her, and if I knew how much judgement you were sending my way for my own life choices, you wouldn’t have to ask me to step down.  I’d do it on my own. 

 

Edit: if you’re having chest pains over the anxiety, you need to see someone asap about that.  Panic attacks are no small issue. 

Post # 6
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Couldn’t agree more with PPs…..

Post # 7
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Yeah, I agree with a PP.  You had free will to leave the situation if you did not want to be there. Sure, it may have been disrespectful of your friend to plan something that you ultimately did not want, but you did not have to go along with it once you understood what was about to happen.

As for her leaving early, that’s not so bad. You get one day, and she is spending that day with you. If you feel your friendship is fundamentally broken because of her general lack of respect for your lifestyle, that’s ok, but you have to take some kind of ownership for sitting through the “sin” you feel was “forced” upon you. And just as your friend should be tolerant of your lifestyle without judgment, so too should you be of her.

If she’s really treating you badly, end the friendship. You are the best person to answer whether that’s the true solution.

Post # 9
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

“I feel that I violated my relationship with my Fiance by participating.  In a way that some may call me a prude, and tell me to loosen up, but that is why I am ill over this – I cannot eat I am so stressed.”  Even if you were alone in the city, you could have sat in the lobby (assuming it’s some sort of a strip club or strippers at a hotel) and used a phone to call someone.  

If the friendship is over, then you should communicate that clearly.  All I’m saying is that if your Fiance forgives you, you need to forgive yourself.  If you’re heart’s intent was to be faithful to your Fiance, and he does not see what you did as betraying him, due to the circumstances, then I’m sure God will forgive you too.  The God I know would, anyway.   

Seriously, if you’re not eating and having chest pains, you need to talk to a counselor or pastor/priest ASAP.  Tearing yourself up over something in the past, that you understand was a mistake, is not healthy. 

Post # 10
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

a) if you’ve never talked to her about it, how would she know you would be so offended by the bachelorette plans?  There is a mature way to discuss differences like this,  a happy place between judging her and not addressing it at all.

b) Im not sure what you’re alluding to, but if it was a strip club or something like that, all you had to do was WALK OUTSIDE.  I still don’t buy that you were “forced to participate”.  I was similarly “stuck” at a dinner one night when a bunch of a friend’s friends started making a bunch of nasty homophobic comments. I wasn’t going to sit around and listen to that, so I sat by myself in the lobby for over an hour… its not that difficult.

Like I said, if you haven’t felt strongly enough about this to even discuss it with her until now, I think the issue here is more that you are blaming her and projecting your guilt on her over this party. Give yourself a few days to cool down, or – as a PP suggested – if you are having anxiety attacks, speak to a professional.

Post # 11
Member
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

+1 to all PPs. Talk to your friend because she needs to know how you felt. Second, see a doctor about your chets pains and not eating. And 3, I, too, don’t understand how you were forced to do anything. You could have easily left the situation to go outside in the lobby or call a taxi to take you back to wherever you were staying.

I’m sorry that the situation upset you. Good luck.

Post # 13
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It’s not that you don’t deserve justification.  Honestly, you might want to post in the Christian board, because I’m having a hard time empathizing with this level of grief over whatever you did.  

It’s good that you recognize that you have a habit of allowing yourself to be walked on.  That doesn’t make you a bad person.  And, to take your side for a moment, if she were a true friend to you, she wouldn’t have put you in a situation to be walked on.

I’m sorry for your sadness and for the loss of your friend, but I think this is a wake-up call to get some work done on yourself so that the friends you make in the future are ones that respect your beliefs and maintain that respect. 

Post # 14
Member
674 posts
Busy bee

I think one reason you are upset is because you’re still falling into the traps of letting someone walk over you in a sense. The friendship has come to a natural fork in the road. You’re headed one way, she is headed another. Maybe, someday, your paths will cross again. Maybe they won’t. it is natural to feel a certain sense of loss over that, but it’s not worth getting nearly as upset as you say you are over a natural path for many friendships.

I agree with those who have said you should probably talk to someone such as a counselor or a pastor/priest. You need to have someone who knows you talk about this in a broader context of your feelings, your life, and your faith. I think you will feel much better about the situation after that kind of conversation.

I don’t think people here were really trying to say you aren’t an adult, but reading your early posts about it, it seemed like you were trying to come up with rather extreme excuses to blame this squarely on her when you actively avoided talking about how uncomfortable you felt. Looking at your last post, I think it really gets to the heart of the matter that you guys just aren’t getting what each of you needs out of a friendship anymore. That’s okay. It’s not anyone’s fault.

If you do decide to “fire” her as a Maid/Matron of Honor, and actually I personally believe reasons of faith are some of the better reasons people may cite in such complicated situations, you probably should focus the conversation on how you don’t feel that the two of you are in the same place spiritually and that your ceremony is as much about the religion and faith elements as the legal documents. I think you can use this post as a cautionary tail, in that if you decide to cite the evening out as your excuse, she’ll likely respond with some of the same arguments you’ve seen here.

Post # 16
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Where is your faith my friend? You have asked for forgiveness from God and your Fiance. You have been forgiven by both. Don’t continue to dwell on it. YOU HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN.

Now concentrate on your wedding and on creating the life you and your Fiance want to have. As for your MOH? Do what your heart tells you to do.

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