(Closed) Heartbroken over MOHs behavior, FI and I don’t want her in the wedding

posted 9 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 17
Member
1258 posts
Bumble bee

Okay, I have to say that I’d like it if everybody eased up on the OP, and that includes the OP. I know I’ve sat through things I hated and that made me feel bad, and bad about myself, because I was so afraid of causing a scene by leaving that I just let it go, and later I regretted it terribly. So, please, heartbrokenbee, forgive yourself – because I guarantee that God already did (he’s pretty awesome like that). I think you feel walked on by this girl, and that’s an awful feeling. But I agree totally with PP that if you didn’t expressly tell her what your boundaries were, she may well have crossed them unintentionally. If you don’t want her as your attendant, then ask her to step down. It’s not too late (and it will be soon!) and she may be relieved. Ask her to take part in the weekend in some other way, some way that lets her use her strengths, which don’t appear to be any of the things you need in a Maid/Matron of Honor. If you’re afraid of causing drama, then tell her you have a great solution to her schedule conflicts, but unfortunately it means she’ll  be doing something other than being Maid/Matron of Honor, but you really need her to do something else for you.

Good luck, and seriously, if you asked for forgivenss, you got it (God’s promise), so you can eat and sleep now.

Post # 18
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

So, unlike some of the posters here, I can completely empathize with your physical reaction to having committed acts that you believe to be sinful. It was extremely unkind of your friend to put you in such a difficult situation, she seems to have acted extremely selfishly in planning  a party that she would enjoy, but that upset you greatly — although her intentions were likely genuine. That said, however, free will is an essential component of sin – we can be led to sin, but we cannot be *forced* into it. If in hindsight, we believe that we have committed a sin (and as a woman, I feel that sexually-based sins the hardest), then we need to recognize it and pray about it, partly to ask God for forgiveness – but MOSTLY so we can resolve how we will act differently in the future. Humans are falliable, God is all-forgiving and willing to help you move forward as a stronger person. If, in this case, moving forward means you need to ask your Maid/Matron of Honor to step down, do it because you feel the two of are no longer compatible, but not because you’re not yet ready to recognize what you yourself can learn.

Post # 19
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

If your fi has forgiven you then it’s time to forgive yourself. I do agree with pp that you would be better served by the bees if you post in Christian. A lot of us won’t understand the level of guilt your feeling. If may be good for you to talk with your clergy who could help you work through this. Good luck.

Post # 20
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@bricon:  OP has already recognized her responsibility in the situation.  

Post # 21
Member
4497 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Praying for you OP!  Feel free to PM me if you want bounce off some Biblical things back and forth or whatever is on your heart.

Post # 22
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

OP, hope u didnt pay for the nite out since u didnt enjoy it…

i m sure ur Maid/Matron of Honor didnt delibrately hurt you since you have never openly expressed your feelings towards her..

as for God, and you Fiance, i m sure they forgive you. You didnt delibrately put yourself in that position.. its time for you to reallly move on.. there are bigger things in life for you to worry

Good luck with your rest of wedding…

Post # 23
Member
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

“My changed lifestyle to be a Christian one has led me away from her lifestyle, but I can’t tell her what to do, and won’t do that.”

You wrote that your Christian lifestyle is a change for you. From my experience, I can tell you that one of my absolute best friends suddenly became Christian after a bad break up with a boyfriend she couldn’t handle and that was the end of our friendship. She tried to remain friends, but I started distancing myself because I felt her new lifestyle somewhat hypocritical. So I wonder if in some way your friend is doing the same. It’s not easy to come out and say we have nothing in common anymore and I don’t agree with your lifestyle (as much as you clearly don’t agree with her lifestyle), so her planning a weekend that clearly isn’t something you approve of and spending a minimum amount of time with you during your wedding weekend to me is a sign that she is participating because you’ve asked her to, but she has moved on. I could be wrong because obviously I don’t know the girl, but that’s just my guess.

Post # 24
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@heartbrokenbee:  Please stop condemning and punishing yourself. The root of all the anxiety, sickness, and stress you’re feeling, is this self-condemnation. Remember that especially when we fail, God’s grace will superabound and swallow up our failure. To continue to heap guilt and condemnation on yourself, is to basically say that you don’t believe God has forgiven you. Read Psalm 103 and realize that forgiveness is yours – do not doubt it.

Post # 25
Member
918 posts
Busy bee

@heartbrokenbee:  

I really empathize with you and your situation with your Maid/Matron of Honor. I don’t believe that you should bump her out of the wedding party, and this is why.

 

Number one, your friend did do some really terrible things by suggesting you go to places you are not comfortable with, however, as the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. I am not empathizing with you on your decision to continue in the evening. You needed to pray, take a deep breath, and either demand your friend take you home, or turn to another woman, borrow her cell phone and call your Fiance to come get you. Now you are dealing with grief, and maybe projecting just a little bit of your remorse onto her? Can you see that?

In terms of the friendship, your friend needs help and is going through a terrible time it sounds like. She has lost her way and clearly is going through something she hasn’t shared with you. You don’t go from good Christian to wild partier overnight. You may not support this friend right now and it may be difficult, but would you leave your friend alone to deal with these demons or will you try to help? She probably feels so alone right now as you are gettting married and happy–she isn’t–I guarantee that…and hence the reason she is coming off as inconvenienced by the wedding possibly.

I would talk to her asap about all of your concerns. If then not resolved, I would ask her if she is comfortable with bein the Maid/Matron of Honor still.

I do honestly hope you get through this and please, focus on your Fiance and you, and the positives that are happening in your life.

 

Post # 26
Member
7529 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@KT808:  THIS!

OP:  You are a Christian.  Stop this already!  You know you’re forgiven.  You are actually behaving as a non-believer by not accepting His forgiveness.  Why are you making such a big deal over this alleged horrible act you commited “against your will?”  Please don’t slap God in the face by making your minor transgression into something worse than it really was.  I don’t mean to be harsh with you.  But, really, did you kill someone that night?  Ok, then, if you actually participated in a murder, then feel guilty.  Otherwise – stop feeling guilty.  It is over.  It is done.  You can’t change it.  God can erase it – IF you will let Him.

As far as your Maid/Matron of Honor goes, either forgive her and allow her to go through her transition in her own life without your judgment and condemnation, or cut the friendship off now.  Friendships change and evolve and some do not survive.  She is neither worse nor better than you.  She should also not be judged by you – that is between her and her God.  If you can’t accept her as the person she has now become, and in all good conscience can’t continue being her friend, then tell her so and move on with your life.  Both of you will be better off.

If you do decide to continue your friendship, please understand that she is evolving as a human being and has her own spiritual journey to make.  It is not for you, or anyone else, to say where or how God is leading her right now.  If she is a Christian, she always will be.  And she is in Good Hands.  Her soul is safe with God.  Pray for her, how about?

Post # 27
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Sunfire:  You almost make me want to be a Christian.  If only there were a church filled with a bunch of Sunfires! 🙂  Beautiful response. 

Post # 28
Member
7529 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@bells219:  Wow ~ that is truly one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me in my entire life.  Thank you, so very much.  That brought tears to my eyes and sent a shiver down my spine just now.  You made my whole day by saying that . . .

Post # 29
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Sunfire:  Amen! I completely agree with everything in your post. I literally could not have said it better.

Post # 31
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I read thru some posts, not all.  I agree with what the majority are saying to you…which is, a) let that night go!!  Please, if you asked for forgiveness for the ‘sins’ you committed, then by most faiths, you will be forgiven.  b) talk to her!!  It sounds like you two are at different stages in your life, and you know…that is OK!  A friendship, imo, does not need to end due to differing beliefs, but rather perhaps grow if mutual respect is given.  Tell her that you did not appreciate her ‘forcing’ you to do things you were uncomfortable with, and then FORGIVE her and move on!!  and finally, a different perspective I thought of while reading your post is this:  I sometimes feel that good/great friends are those that try to open you up to new experiences.  They are those that, in moments of being stressed/tightly wound, etc, try to get you to unwind, and have FUN!  Maybe that was her intention…?!  Not to cause you any panic attacks, but open you up to having fun?!  Perhaps she did not know that her evening plans she made for you would cause you so much angst?!  Good luck!

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