Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been together almost 5 years and have planned to get married for basically all of that time. I really want to get married and I make the frequent mistake of mentioning it when I know he is still in school and wants to wait. He always says engagement rings don’t grow on trees, but I have accepted that we need to wait for him to finish school and get a job.
Last week his grandmother passed away. While we were visiting with his family, his aunt (grandmother’s only daughter) was wearing grandmother’s wedding ring (appeared to be a sapphire with diamond halo). It was beautiful and I even commented on how nice it was. The next morning as we were eating breakfast, his aunt was checking her phone and said aloud “[Boyfriend] I just got your text message, what did you wanna talk to me about but couldn’t find time?”
2 days later back at home I was walking to the car and he was on the phone. As I approached, when he saw me he said he had to go and got off the call. I asked who it was and he said it was his aunt. So long story short I think he is asking for his grandmother’s ring to give me.
The problem is that when I realized that might be happening, my first reaction wasn’t excitement, it was worry. He has 2 female cousins already married, and an unmarried sister, all of whom might want it (and I feel should rightfully have it before me). I am afraid that even if his aunt says yes that his sister or cousins might resent me, even though we are about as close as could be expected. And even if they didn’t, I’m afraid I would carry some kind of weight on my chest (or finger) as if I had a ring that was not mine or not meant for me. In my opinion it should go to his younger sister when she gets married.
Im almost positive this situation is unfolding without my direct knowledge and I am at a loss for what to do. I am so afraid to hurt his feelings or offend his family if I am not 100% thrilled about it. It isn’t my style but that is a very minor detail; I picture myself wearing it around his family and I feel pressure that I don’t want to feel. Is there a way to talk to him considering I am not really supposed to know about this?
Post # 2
First, breathe. You don’t know what’s happening so don’t worry. Second, why would you view the ring as “not meant for you?” A male descendent giving a legacy ring to his future “Mrs. Family Name” is just as appropriate as a female descendent receiving a legacy ring from their matriarch.
Just my $0.02.
Post # 3
wakingwinds: I would just try not to fret about all of the implications until he is actually offering you that ring. I would hate for you to get your hopes up, if he happens to propose you can always say that whilst you love that ring, you feel like prehaps you aren’t it’s rightful new owner. You never know, he may have already asked his sister / cousins etc.
Post # 4
I don’t want to be a Debbie downer but I don’t see why sending his aunt a text message and then hanging up a phone call equate to him asking for someone else’s ring… Do you know more than you’re telling us? Maybe they were chatting about school, finances, even engagement in general :D. I honestly would be stressing at all, I don’t think you have enough info!
If you are certain the ring is for you than I wouldn’t worry about who owns it. Maybe grandma said she could wear it until he found someone. Could have been meant for his future bride all along!
Post # 5
My son is going to get my pear diamond when he gets engaged, my daughter won’t complain at all. Not all families are filled with greedy people. Don’t start imagining problems before they materialize.
Post # 6
Operative word MIGHT want it. It may not be any other female family member’s style and maybe your SO already thought about these things. Even if he didn’t, your aunt probably thought about it. His cousins are already married, so I doubt they will think twice about it. If I was his cousin or sister, unless I had already discussed with my grandma or expressed to her to I would want it, I wouldn’t care if someone else wanted the ring. My other advice is just let him surprise you without trying to deduce what is going on. You don’t want to ruin a happy moment by already guessing what will happen and making yourself miserable about the implications that might not even exist.
Post # 7
Yeah I agree with PPs… this is a bit cart-before-the-horse. If it does end up happening, then deal with it. For now, it’s not worth worrying about.
doberman: TBF though, you have other diamond rings to pass down to your daughter!
Post # 8
You’re assuming an awful lot here. Slow your roll and stop worrying about it until its a sure thing.
Post # 9
wakingwinds: I dont think its a big deal. Just because he’s a male doesnt mean he doesnt have a right to it. I have my DH’s great grandmothers ring and he has a sister AND three female cousins. I’ve never felt guilty about it and theyve never mentioned anything.
Post # 10
I actually think it’s more common for a grandson to get the ring and give it as an engagement ring then for a granddaughter to get it.
My guess is grandma also has a slew of pearls, broaches, earings, etc. that will be gifted to the girls… If your SO is doing this and his family is supportive that is essentially the most beautiful way they can come together to say “you are our family” and you should be honoured.
if there’s any side eye, it’s not like you’re jumping up and down going GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE! I have a set of family heirlooms that I loan out to cousins/sisters when they walk down the aisle for their something old. we share!
Post # 11
I don’t think it’s that wierd. I have an heirloom ring. I’m not sure why I was the one that got it, as there were several nieces, and grandnieces and nephews passed by before I came along and Fiance was given it to give me. It’s a family ring, there is no side eye or jealousy. We have already talked about passing it down to our son one day.
Unless there was someone closer in the family that REALLY wanted the ring for themselves, then I wouldn’t put too much thought into it.
Post # 12
What they all said. Plus FWIW ” a sapphire with a diamond halo” sounds much more like an engagement ring ( wedding rings usually being plain bands back in the day) .
IDK if that makes a difference of course!
Post # 13
Hi again all-
I appreciate all the feedback from everyone! Just as an update, I am now almost 100% certain this is happening but I think it still may be several months out or even longer, I have no idea if he has any further plans yet. I got into a conversation with him about a locket that his cousins gave me (also from his grandmother after her recent passing) and it led to us vaguely discussing her other jewelry (i.e. “I never saw her wear that locket” and “She didn’t wear many things except…”) and we actually discussed the ring. He told me a sweet story about how her original wedding ring was lost on vacation and it took years before his grandpa could afford her a replacement (the one I may be receiving). Somehow, talking about it with him in a different context calmed me down a lot because I realized I don’t think it matters very much at all. I still have some anxiety about what his sister/cousins would think, but if he offers it to me I don’t think it would be wrong for me to straightforward ask them if they are okay with it.
My older sister is fairly well-versed in the etiquette of heirloom jewelry and she assured me it is traditionally the males who inherit rings to give to their brides and also assured me that if I ever wanted a different ring the appropriate thing to do would be keep the heirloom and replace it with something on an anniversary (“upgrades” aren’t an uncommon practice, she says). Not that I would ever replace it but her reassurance was helpful.
Thank you to everyone who replied. Honestly having input of any kind was helpful in easing my mildly freaked out mind!