Post # 1
Greetings Wedding Bee Waiting,
I just want to say that I am so glad I found you guys. I have been losing my mind waiting and trying to find ways to get engaged I decided to google something about it. I have not joined a site like this before but I am happy to know you guys are here and I need your support. I met my boyfriend in Dec 2007 and we started dating in Feb 2008. We broke up once in Sept 2009 because I could not handle his inability to move towards marriage since I really want kids and I was in my mid 30s. He entreated me to get back together with him until I finally did in April 2010 and we have been together ever since. We moved in together last year and he loves me but no ring. Now I am 39 and I am so afraid I will not have kids because I have been waiting so long, but I do love him very much and I do want to be with him. The pain of not having kids or never getting married feels very real to me and I am particularly sad today. From reading these posts, I realize that I have been nagging him for a long time and that it is not helping and I wished I realized that I was avoiding talking about marriage long before now. I have been working out more and trying to work on getting healthy, and getting my life more organized and streamlined so that I am not as scattered. I hope to be more present as a person and hopefully he can realize that I am someone he cannot live without. I do have a lot of work to do to advance more in my career and that has to take more importance in my life than it has. I just wanted to introduce myself and say thanks for this forum and to say please be kind with your words as I am feeling pretty low and I don’t know if I can take much criticism right now. Thanks!
This topic was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by tigerlilygirl. Reason: grammar
This topic was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by tigerlilygirl.
Post # 2
Hello and welcome.
In the end, if he does not want to marry you it won’t happen. This man seems to have not given you any concrete indications that marriage and children are on the near horizon, and as a 39 yo woman you have to know that the children aspect is a ship that will sail in the very near future!
Your post made me sad when you talked about essentially fixing yourself to make him not want to live without you. You should not have to even think about this stuff if he was the right man.
Look, we are of similar ages. At this point you have to look at where you have been in life and what you want to do with the last half of it. If you want children and marriage I would give him an ultimatum, I rarely endorse these, but in your situation you don’t have heaps of time for patience. He can either show evidence of moving forward to the things that you need (especially the children part) or you should get outta there.
This is the least blunt as I can be.
Post # 3
Olivepepper: Thanks so much for your kind reply. It means a lot to hear from someone who is outside the situation. I think in my heart I know you are right. In late November, I actually tried to do an ultimatum for Dec 23rd (random date I know) but he got really upset and I backed down about it. And part of me really hoped he would propose before the New Year. Heck at this point I don’t even need a ring. I would take a justice of the peace wedding! (Perhaps with a fabulous reception.) And maybe the reason I said I need to work on myself is because the truth is, he says that there are things I need to work on before he would feel comfortable going forward. And it drives me crazy. I have patient and been blaming the crazy parts of him on his family and traumatic past. I guess maybe if anyone has good ultimatum stories, I would love to hear them. Thanks again for your thoughts.
Post # 4
Oh no I’m sorry to hear this:(. I would think about freezing my eggs at this point. It is a expensive route but I would think it’s well worth the money if it’s very important to you.
Even ask your GP for a referral to a fertility specialist it can take up to 6 months to see one. They can do your bloodwork and check your hormones:).
I habe a friend that is currently single and she is 37. She decided to freeze some of her eggs and felt like this was the best decision she has ever done for herself. I’m not saying you should do this but thought I would share with you.
Post # 5
Suzy133: Thank you for your words. I actually have done two rounds of egg freezing at 37 and 38. It was expensive (he even pitched in half of the cost for the first round) and it does make me feel better. I would like the ability to try to have kids naturally, but I may not have that option. I think I need to get serious with myself about a true ultimatum. Just wish I had made an ultimatum that lasted a year in advance so he could really prepare for it. At this point, I feel like I cannot wait another month for a proposal. But it is nice to have some eggs in the bank. Thanks again.
Post # 6
I just wanted to say welcome! Your situation sounds tough, but I hope that this board can help and maybe bring you some peace of mind knowing you’re not alone.
Post # 7
Wait a minute. He’s giving you instructions on how you have to improve yourself before he will consider moving forward?
Stop jumping through hoops for this guy. He reminds me of Lucy with the football. Find a man who loves you & wants to marry you just as you are.
Your SO sounds like he’s stringing you along, tbh. He’s got all of the power in this relationship. It’s time you took your power back. Do you really want to marry him or have you just got so much invested, you don’t want to leave him?
Post # 8
It sounds to me that this guy has been stringing you along with no real plans to marry you which i think is really f*cked up because he knew that you wanted to get married and he knew that you wanted children and i feel he has been extremely selfish. Now in his defense you did stay and i dont think you should have. I get that you love him but this relationship could have just robbed you of ever having children and i dont think that is love. If he truly loved you and cared for what you want he would have married you. If it were me i would have left along time ago. Im sorry if this is coming off harsh just alil tough love because your story truly does break my heart.
Post # 9
You have basically been waiting 7 years, I don’t think trying to change yourself is the answer, he should know you and be able to make a decision. I don’t think you have the same life goals. I can’t believe at 37 and after 5 years together he helped you freeze eggs instead of making a commitment.
Post # 10
Scarlett11: Leave him, find donor sperm for your eggs. Become a mother and live happily ever after. Hopefully you’ll meet the man of your dreams who is happy to be the father to your children and if not then you can be 100% the mother you dreamed of being.
You shouldn’t have to change for someone. That isn’t why you marry someone anyways, let him go and either you find a new and better partner or do what I said above, don’t waste your time/pretty on someone who doesn’t care and isn’t interested in forever with you.
Post # 11
((((hugs))))) I’m sorry you’re at a low point in your life but it’s so hard to hear you beat yourself up over this- you talk about making yourself better for him etc, like your self esteem has eroded. 🙁 Unless he has SERIOUS, legitimate qualms about marrying you- things you *should* change- like constantly racking up irresponsible debts, constantly flying into tirades over trivial stuff etc. then yes, he has the right to say you need to address these issues. BUT if he says you need to ‘work on yourself’ before marriage as in be fitter or more ahead in your career, or stuff like this (I get the impression the latter is the case), then sweetie he’s being extremely unfair and selfish to you, not to mention egotistical. He’s made you feel to blame for stalling marriage and, even worse, he’s made you feel unworthy of him. He should be thrilled at the prospect of marrying you and hoping he’s worthy of YOU. Don’t you deserve that?
And you have the right to solid answers, don’t let him dodge your questions by accusing you of nagging. You’ve waited more than long enough and you really want children and age is a factor. It makes no sense that you’re already living together and he’s helped pay for your eggs to be frozen but he won’t make a commitment to marriage.