- 8 years ago
As a result of discussing wedding plans with a friend who is actually engaged, about 2 months ago I was googling various wedding aspects and came across Weddingbee…… I have found the “waiting” boards to be sort of like therapy….hehe….but I also love reading through the wedding and relationship boards and basically having an outlet for all of those girly thoughts in my head that I don’t think my bf is ready for. So THANKS! all! for being candid and helping me realize that I am not the only girl who has a disproportionate amount of wedding thoughts for my real life situation. 🙂 A little bit of background info…
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. I was single for about a year before him and I met. I had just moved to a new city about 3.5 years ago, had a few intense but short relationships (4-6 months) before my year of single-ness, and then on what was “just another date” with someone who caught my eye online, I met my handsome prince. We didn’t know each other before meeting for dinner, but found out very quickly during the date that he had worked in the same office with the boyfriend of one of my childhood best friends who had also recently moved to our city. We hit it off! It helped that he was friends with several of my close friends in that circle, they vouched for his awesomeness immediately and things turned in a romantic direction pretty much right from the start.
For the first 6 or so months that we dated, I was living alone, happy with my life and living situation and the added bonus of meeting someone great when I wasn’t really expecting it. Over the next year and a few months, my mood swings were complicated a little bit by the fact that I made a few bad choices in living situations….(namely, a roommate who would pick food out of the garbage, etc…, and then a crampy but beautiful apartment living alone, with great sunsets and a gas fireplace but which incidentally didn’t have an oven/stove…)…so I took it out a little bit on my bf from time to time, the fact that I spent over a year living out of an overnight bag and spending each night that I wasn’t working at his house. I completely had insight into my crabbiness, which was: I know that I don’t want to move in together (with bf’s roommate and co-owner of his house) after only 8 or 10 months and with a third wheel, but I was bitter about the situations I had chosen for myself and just at least wished I had the option, and wasn’t living 60% out of a bag/the trunk of my car.
I feel like our relationship was strengthened during this time because I gave him tremendous credit for dealing with my emotions at times when I wasn’t doing a good job of dealing with them myself. Every time I felt that I might have pushed him to any kind of edge with being hyperemotional he just made me feel more wanted, more important, and more loved, and even less like there was anything ever going to push him away. Some times, I have a hard time figuring out what it is that he cherishes about me, after all my crazy moments! I am not a person with overly low self-esteem, I just feel like a basket case sometimes.
Fast forward to a few months before our two year anniversary: I found a beautiful, fitting place to live which was complete luxury, great location (about 5 mins away from the BF), lots of space, and so all of the antsies-in-my-pantsies that I had about moving in with the bf were gone, I was living alone and happy and a 5 min drive AND a home that I loved helped us deal with: commuting between houses frequently and also, I had a personal space that I wanted to share and stay in, so we weren’t spending every spare moment at his house. Things were great! No stress. Not to mention, bf had been verrrrrry slow about “I love you.” We had been dating less than a year when I spilled those words, and in the year that followed we had many conversations about how he did “love me” but that he had never said those three words to any other girl he’d ever dated and for him, dishing the L word meant “I am all in, there is no one else for me but you.” We talked about our differing “love” terminology, and how I had loved before, but to me it meant more of that all-encompassing concern and regard for the others happiness and when you want that person to be the first person you share your good and your bad with….. I know you gals all know what love means. 😉 Aaanyway, even though he was slow to start saying it out loud (and not during a fight/in an email/in a text message), I never doubted for a second his love and care for me. He was always very good at expressing in no lack of heartfelt emotion the depth of his feelings for me and talking about our future. Then in the spring when we both were both happy and at ease, one day he brought me roses and said “he loved me” and very shortly after, one day out of the blue, that he “could not tell me enough how much he loved me and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.”
That’s great!! I have personally had many boyfriends, not all serious but a few that seemed pretty serious at the time for my age (teens-early twenties). But for Boyfriend or Best Friend, I was the longest relationship he’d had by far and I knew that being the first girl he was not afraid to use the L word with, and that he wanted to spend his life (!!!!) with….was a huge deal!!! So then followed a few months of euphoria and floating around on a cloud and many light hearted but meaningful discussions about which side of the country we’ll marry on (since our families are on opposite sides), who our bridal parties would be, and the small intimate and stress-free/cost-effective wedding we will have.
Personally I think Boyfriend or Best Friend is still sitting on the high of having met his “One” and making plans to buy a house in the spring. He is very easy going about the whole thing. Given that it took us a long time to move to this new level in our relationship (love, buying a house, marriage) I should be (and was) very happy and excited. But I feel like the more I think about all of these things the more anxious and confused that I get. I am 27, he is 29 almost 30, we both have fabulous professional careers, and both come from extremely loving, supportive families with parents who divorced when we were very small and have been in 20-year relationships since then. Boyfriend or Best Friend used to often say that he didn’t want to rush things since we both came from families of divorce….my feelings on this weren’t as strong as his but I think we are both past the fact of this being a concern for us. In my past more serious relationships, I have always been the person who ended the relationship. I think I have got some serious self-sabotage on the go! As recently as 2 months ago, I was using this website as an outlet for my crazy love of weddings (it doesn’t help that like 6 couples in our friends have or will be marrying this year)…..but for some reason in the past few weeks (all self-inflicted)….I have gotten really anxious in a bad way.
One of the big looming things in my mind is that bf and I had discussed not having children as early as the first year of our relationship. We have always stayed together knowing that I am more for children than against them (I work with children) and that he has never really planned on having them, because my career lends me lots and lots of opportunities to work and travel and do big great things and this is something that not having children would make easier to do. I really do feel that I am being completely honest with myself and him when I say I have always been really very interested in working and living abroad and travelling around once I pay off my hefty student debt and that I can see doing that without kids and being very fulfilled. But…..as we make plans for our house and our life together I get this overwhelming panic of, what if I change my mind? What if my biological clock goes into overdrive and I freak out and decide I can’t not have children? I truly do love my bf, I feel that I have dated many men but that no one gets me on the same level and understands and nurtures me and appreciates me for my truest self that he does. He has the most amazing family that I feel truly blessed to be a part of. I was SO happy to hear him tell me he wants to spend his life with me, and whenever I had doubts I would repeat those words to myself and feel instantly calmed. But….for the past couple of weeks I have this 24/7 panic about resenting him later in life, in spite of myself.
I know the easy answer is, have you talked to him about this? I have. Boyfriend or Best Friend thought that I wanted to break up because he thought I seemed “pretty adamant” about now wanting to have children. That isn’t really the case, I guess I am just very fearful that if the novelty wears off after marriage and we only have each other, I want to know that we are going to keep this very strong, otherwise will I regret my decision and want to leave to have children? I feel like we can keep each other happy without children, but I just expect that there is always some “fizzle” and I fear that it might fall apart.
I also don’t ever plan on banking on someone to change, but I do wonder if any of his feelings will change once we are “making a home” together….his words not mine…..and he is not in the fun, young mindset of living with his best friend and being able to party/drink with his buddy every day. I don’t mean “able” in the sense that I won’t permit it, but just that the temptation (ie. your ganga loving roomate) won’t be in your face every day. He said to me, “I plan on things changing when I am in my 30’s, but I am still going to enjoy my 20’s.” This confused me a little, he’ll be 30 in 2 months! Maybe after Christmas he’ll morph into family man mode? Who knows! I feel like some of the unspoken underlying tension is carrying over into our whole relationship even when we don’t bring it up. We agreed to not be nasty or picky with each other as a result of not being able to talk about important, heavy things, and it has helped by I still feel sort of saddened.
At a time when I should be so excited, it is almost too much to bear. I have been seriously considering counselling, mostly by myself at this point because I don’t think he would be super open to it. Instead, I resorted to actually posting on WB instead of reading everyone elses posts and nodding my head, because there are such wise, wonderful, experienced and helpful women around here! Please bring me a li’l peace and clarity if you could!
Anyone have any experience/things to offer?
In keeping with the whole idea of Mr. Bee – men being more responsive when you quit nagging them about stuff! – I want to give Boyfriend or Best Friend the benefit of not bringing this up to him constantly and give him a chance to recharge and think about things before I initiate the next “round.” We talked about this just a week ago, and basically just agreed that this won’t work if either of us tries to force the other into submission.
I feel like I have met someone who has made me so happy. I wonder if I don’t just need to a) relax and b) see how the relationship goes when we move forward to buying a home and living together and experience being a family together and I believe at some time in the relative future (next 2 years) being engaged….but I am absolutely sure I won’t plan a wedding until we have these things truly worked out. I feel like I would be losing so much by leaving before we give it a chance to see how good this could potentially be. All I wanted was what he is offering but I can’t help but keep pondering the other possibilities.
Thanks for reading this far. Not sure if I posted this in the right area, but can I just say I feel SO GOOD letting some of that off my chest!
Look forward to getting to know you all better! 🙂