Post # 1
My name is Hannah from Auckland, NZ. I’ve been with my partner for 2.5 years and we have a son together. This time last year, marriage didn’t even register in my brain. We had just had our baby and were blissfully happy. We spoke then about spending the rest of our lives together, marriage and more babies. After someone made a comment to my partner back in July last year about him popping the question and his response of “thats not going to happen anytime soon” it made me start to question whether or not he really wanted me. Apart from the minor hiccup of a normal relationship, we were strong and could tackle anything (we got through 3 months of long distance while I was pregnant with our baby and he was in the UK) and I started to wonder what exactly was preventing us or stopping us from getting married. I loved him, he loved me. So I would raise it, he would go off in a tangent and tell me he just isnt ready,.. because he kept telling me he just wasnt ready, the angrier and more upset I became because I just can’t understand why i’m not good enough to marry,.. it has now led to us almost breaking up because I’ve had enough of waiting any longer and im tired of getting my hopes up. I realise that I am putting the pressure on him, which is making him not want to pop the question, but I can’t help but keep putting the pressure on and talking about it. In my view, you are either in it as a whole or not. I’m ready to throw in the towel,..I’m so angry at him all the time and the shear sight of him makes me angry,.. when it shouldn’t. I love him so much as well. I need to lay off blowing my top every coupleof weeks because we haven’t gotten anywhere further. He sys that if things were just perfect for 6 months to a year, then yes I would have a rock on my finger,… but I have to wait another year! Its driving me mad. Please tell me that I can come and vent in here whenever I’m about to blow my cool with him…. Sorr for my vent.
Post # 2
hannahbunny : I’m also waiting, so I can empathize with your frustrations at times! But your situation is amplified by the fact that you have a baby together and because your partner seems unwilling to discuss marriage or come up with a timeline with you. His refusal, even after seeing how upset it makes you, is a major red flag IMO.
It doesn’t make sense to me that he’s willing to have and raise a child with you, but won’t even consider proposing any time soon because he’s “not ready” — what’s he waiting for?? And waiting for things to be perfect for 6 months to a year, especially when the two of you are new parents dealing with a soon-to-be toddler, is highly unrealistic. To me, it sounds like an excuse and a way to absolve himself of blame because he told you what he wanted (even though it’s a virtually impossible request) and can just point to that as a reason for continuing to not commit without actually providing tangible reasons.
Do you two live together? Were you long distance for most of your relatioinship and are just starting an in-person relationship? I can understand not being ready to marry someone you’ve only seen for one weekend every 6 months or so during a long distance relationhip, but if you are living in the same city and especially if you are living together while raising a child, I simply do not understand what his hesitations are, unless he just doesn’t want to get married.
Perhaps you could sit down with him calmly and ask what his ideal timeline is (before you give him yours). Maybe you can both write down your timelines on separate pieces of paper, and then show each other. I think it’s important to have a clear understanding of where his head is at, at which point you can determine if you are okay with his timeline or if he is willing to compromise and meet somewhere in the middle.
Post # 3
nalastardust : Marriage to him is a big thing. HIs parents are happily married and if he is going to do it, it needs to be right. Marriage is scary to him because he doesn’t want it to be a failure. After hearing his comment last year, it made things between us horrible to the point where I was getting upset with him going out with his friends and not inviting me (just general new parent things) and I also resented him for leaving me while pregnant to go to the UK to sort his head out. These are things that have sorted themselves out and now the only issue in our relationship is the marriage thing.
He waiting for things in our relationship to be “perfect” and smooth. We live together now. He was only in the UK for 3 months as our baby was a bit of a surprise, but we have been together as a whole for 2.5 years.
Timeline – 6 months to a year,.. provided everything is perfect and smooth and I stop pressuring him/. Apparently if last year wasn’t turbulent, I would have had that rock on my finger by now. Its not the marriage I want,.. its that commitment to one another to actually get married. I’m being silly, I know. Sorry for my vent.
Post # 4
hannahbunny : Like I said, I think him waiting for things to be “perfect” is totally ridiculous, and blaming you for being invested in your future as the reason he hasn’t committed yet is plain wrong of him. Every couple argues sometimes, especially when you have a baby and you’re exhausted. That’s normal, and him using that for not proposing seems very much like an excuse (either that or he is way too idealistic and has unfair expectations of what life should be like). Plus I believe that it’s both frustrating and condescending of men to say that women are “pressuring them” into proposing when they are just trying to open up a dialogue about their own futures.
Have you explained to him the importance of marriage and commitment in your eyes, and how hurt/angry his procrastination about this has made you feel?
Post # 5
You know his excuse is BS right?
Post # 6
You’re not being “silly” at all. He left you when you were pregnant. He now has you on trial to decide if you’re marriage worthy. If you manage to keep your mouth shut, and do x/y/z “perfectly” he may bestow on you the ultimate honor of promotion from baby mamma to future wife. Don’t settle for this. You want the happy family ending. You may even think he is the love your life but clearly you are NOT his. ..
Post # 7
If he’s demanding perfection for a year, then marriage is never going to happen (and, honestly, I think that’s really his point). No one and no relationship is perfect, but what it is is a perfect way to blame YOU for his issue. If he wanted to marry you, he would. End of story. He’s playing games instead.
Post # 8
Maybe the word “perfect” was the wrong choice of words. He just wants a period of 6 months where things with us are smooth and we just enjoy our relationship. I try, ha ha. but when there is the “trying to wait patiently” thing in the back of my head, its hard to not bring it up.
Apparently what made him question whether or not I was marriage material was when he went out one night and I lcoked him out the house because I was angry with him,.. crazy I know, but it was all stemmed down to the underlying issue of wanting marriage.
I hear what you are all saying and thanks 🙂 I’m giving myself a personal timeline of 3 months. If things don’t improve or change during that time, then I will reevalute my situation.
Post # 9
hannahbunny : “If he’s going to do it, he s going to do it right”. But he has already had a kid with you, that’s hardly doing it right (Im not saying it’s wrong but I mean in the traditional terms he is talking about). Some people consider it “right” to remain a virgin until marriage, but I notice that he hasn’t suggested this. So in other words, it’s a fake excuse.
However I’m not sure what you can do. Are you willing to leave your kids father over this? Is it worth it, if he does his share of chores/child care/money earning?
Post # 10
hannahbunny : 6 months where you just enjoy yourself… with a baby / soon toddler. Sorry – unless your parents take care of the child for this time that’s not happening. This guy is completely immature and unprepared for a child. I am really sorry you are in this situation. For me getting married before having a child was non-negotiable for exactly this reason.
Post # 11
Yet another guy putting phony” conditions” on a proposal that isn’t going to happen. If you’re a good little girl, and you behave yourself and never mention marriage again, I might eventually start to think about a proposal.
WTF is that?
He left you while you were having his baby to get things ‘sorted’? What things? What was he doing?
He sounds pretty self obsessed. I don’t think he has the slightest intention of marrying you, Bee. I’m sorry.
Post # 12
6 months in which you both just enjoy the relationship and there’s no arguments is BS. Regardless of the baby, or marriage topic or whatever. Life happens all the time. In six months there will be times when you’re frustrated with each other, times when both of you are not giving the relationship the attention it needs. It happens. Marriage is saying that when you notice you’re frustrating each other or not giving the relationship the attention it needs then you’re going to work around it.
The week before my husband and I got married we were not perfect, we were not enjoying the relationship. We were tired and stressed and we argued a lot. None of it was major stuff and I can’t remember what any of it was now. But if he does propose and you’re like me and my husband and argue the week before the wedding – is he going to pull the plug? Is he going to cancel days before the wedding because it’s not perfect? He needs to recognise that he wants to be with you even when things aren’t perfect in the relationship. He needs to recognise that he wants to work on your relationship even when you’re frustrating him, even when the baby is ill, even when you both need to reach a compromise on something. If he can’t recognise that, then marriage is unlikely to happen.
I personally don’t subscribe to the idea that a woman can’t discuss her future with her partner. You have a child together but regardless of that fact, you should get a say in your future and your joint future should be a discussion. If that includes marriage for you then you need to be able to discuss it. There’s something about marriage in particular that people think you can’t discuss it without pressuring the other partner. However, with anything else (children, where to live, who to have Christmas with, the colour of the living room) there’d be a discussion between two partners. If he is open to discussing the future in general with you, any more children, where to live for schools for your baby, then he should be open to discussing marriage with you. If he isn’t open to any discussion about the future worth you, is that really how you want to live the rest of your life?
Post # 13
You locked him out the house- ok I can see his point somewhat…
That said, you both need counseling. Marriage doesn’t solve problems- rather it enhances them. And the last thing you need if for him to marry you just because you want him to and he starts cheating on you later because he never really did want to marry you.
Having a baby and getting married are two different spectrums. Men (generally speaking) don’t seem to care about having a baby because it has been widely accepted to have children out of wedlock. So they will live with you, get you pregnant and have a baby, buy a house and all other things you would expect a married couple to do. However, pledging fidelity to one woman is where they seem to pause or be reluctant to do right away. Not saying all guys are like this but many are, which is why we have waiting boards.
Post # 14
Haven’t we all locked ‘him’ out at some point ? !
No seriously bee, stop with this ‘am I worth it’ stuff. He should be asking himself that – and as for a grown man to be saying he wants to wait til he can be absolutely positive of the happy ever fairytale – well fuck that noise. You have his child , how much more commitment can there be !!
He is in essence saying , “when you can prove to me you can make my life utterly perfect , then I’ll consider bestowing the ineffable gift of my proposal . If you can’t, well I’ll stay till get bored with you, then of course I’ll just have to leave you and our child(ren) . Sorry about that , but you do understand I deserve only the best , don’t you dear? ” .