- 4 years ago
@Suitcases: First of all…breathe! I think that you need to give yourself a little bit of time to get used to the idea. You said yourself that you don’t cope well with change, and right now that seems to me to be the biggest issue since you say you love him and have a great relationship. Give yourself a couple of days to adjust to the news. Remind yourself of how happy the two of you are together. If, after a couple of weeks, you continue to feel doubts, then you can start to look inside to answer why, but for now just live with the idea for a bit.
@Suitcases: Getting married and being a wife is scary. Dont beat yourself up because the idea of marriage freaks you out. Here is a good site that might help you firgure out your feelings
It is very common to have mixed feelings about getting married. On one hand, society is telling women it the “thing” we have to strive for. On the other hand it also tells us what “a wife” looks like and how she behaves. ANd we arent sure we want to be this mysthical “wife”
I was 39 when I got engaged and I strugled with it. I never doubted that DH was the right guy for me. But I wondered if I was the marrying kind and whether or not I wanted to be a wife. After a few months, I realized that my marriage could look any way I wanted it to. And I could be just me as I always have been, now with a new title “WIFE”, but nothing else has to change.
Might want to look at A Practical Wedding blog. They have a lot of good post on “reclaiming wife” and making it look however you want it to look.
@Suitcases: I flipped out after my FH proposed, filled with exactly the same feelings you are right now. It is a freaking scary time, and my wiggins were nothing to do with how I felt about him, or marriage, but on how I was dealing with this change for myself – like you, I didn’t feel old enough, or mature enough!
It is PERFECTLY NATURAL to have the wiggins about this. Don’t let all the media we are bombarded with about weddings tell you differently, and make you doubt your relationship. It’s normal to be terrified, and freaked out, and really unsettled, but I promise you that you will adjust!
I found that there was very little out there about Engagement Anxiety when I was suffering from it, and it really frustrated me and made me feel like a total freak. I wrote a couple of blog entries about it in more detail, if you’re interested PM me, because I didn’t want anyone else feeling that they were totally alone in this sensation, surrounded by girls who had textbook TV reactions.
@Suitcases: I too had similar feelings to you when I found out FH was to propose. I’m 35 and while I’ve wanted to get married, the idea is scary… especially with it being so binding. YIKES! Feel your feelings, breathe deep and enjoy the moment. Chat with someone if you have overwhelming feelings by all means. I think you are feeling pretty normally.
@Suitcases: I could have written this post, when i found out that fiances was planning to propose i was absolutely terrified. I wanted to scream and hide. When i knew it was happening, part of me wanted to run away. It wasn’t because i didn’t love finace. I adore hi. It was because i too feel nastalgic when it comes to change. I hate taking the next step in anything. I felt the same at the end of uni, high school, leaving jobs, anything.
Getting married was the best decision i ever made. I love my husband beyond anything and everything in this world. i am so happy.
You’re feelings are normal. Breathe. Enjoy the ride.
Gahhh excuse all the grammar fails. It’s late.
Calm down! Don’t worry! You have PLENTY of time to mull this over.
I went through the same thing, except I had NO IDEA FI was proposing and said “yes,” but immediatley I knew I wasn’t prepared. I was TERRIFIED and lashed out a bit.
I want to marry him (and I will!) but it’s just the unknowns that scared me. It took me a few months to become comfortable with the idea (and then I was excited!), and he and I certainly worked on our relationship together during that time, which helped a lot.
You should use this discovery as an opportunity to learn more about each other – learn about his finances, his life goals, his career goals… there’s so much that you can learn about him (and each other) that can help you make this choice easier.
P.S. I don’t think FI and I are “soulmates” but we sure as hell work together wonderfully and WANT to become better people for each other. To me, that’s a huge sign that (if we keep up the good work) we can really last a long time – perhaps the rest of our lives!
After FI and I first discussed marriage/when I felt things were headed ‘that way’ I wrote a list of pros and cons and really did some soul-searching…
Anyway I think the list had about 50 points snd 3 cons haha!!! Needles to say my doubts have since melted!!
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for someone to have a mini-freakout about this. After all, forever is a long time.
Engagement periods are great for this kind of thing. It helps you consider the subject before actually taking the leap of faith.
Your feelings are completely normal. Growing up is scary! I knew DH was the perfect guy for me, but through our engagement I struggled with the fact that I was going to get married and be with one guy forever. I feel like everyone feels like this – but no one talks about it.
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. It’s nice not to hear “doubts mean don’t”!
@koikove thank you for that link. It’s amazing to see so many testimonies saying how I feel- will give it a couple of weeks and may even consider the ecourse
@chronicwhimsy I’ve never heard the word wiggins before but I definitely get the gist!
@sharontobemarried It’s so reassuring to see you write ‘terrified’ and that you wanted to run and hide. That’s actually what I did – ran, hid in the bathroom, had a little cry and though that this is NOT how society says I should be reacting.
@cakeyp again, so good to hear something so relatable, and really feel for you being put on the spot like that. Am so glad I’ve got the time to adjust before it comes! And fully agree with your p.s. about not feeling like “soulmates”
I will keep you updated and hopefully have an exciting announcement in a few short months time. Here’s praying it’s a happy, exciting yet peaceful one, not a tear-stricken panic breakdown.
I just wanted to reply to you all, 5 months later to say thank you again.
We’re still not quite engaged (there’s a v suspicious holiday in two weeks that’s tingling my spidey senses) but will update as and when it happens!
Nevertheless, I look back on the night I posted the above as a turning point in my life. I was away overnight on business and wrote this in a hotel room, absolutely terrified. Your responses soothed me no end, and @KoiKove, the website you recommended has all but changed my life!
I’ve learned so much about myself in this proess, and about love and what it really means. I’ve learned to debunk the myth that everyone will “just know” and that “doubt means don’t”. Certainly for someone sensitive like me, it’s just not that simple.
I’m still scared for the coming holiday and about getting engaged, but I’m also excited, and know that I need to take this next step. I might not feel “ready”, but I know that it’ll be the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
So thank you all for taking the time to reply to this stranger – I could be in a very different place if it wasn’t for all of you xxx
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