Hello! Newbee planning to have ‘the talk’ this week!

posted 12 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
280 posts
Helper bee

Good luck! It will bring you more leace to know where his head is at. Even if you two are at different places time-wise, you will have the ability to sort it out early on and meet in the middle.

Post # 3
102 posts
Blushing bee

Good luck. I have been in this position and have had this conversation. My SO has now brought a ring and we will be getting engaged within a few months. My advice is to try and be as open as possible if your timelines don’t match up. Try to make it a discussion and make sure both of your feelings are said and heard. Let us know how it goes!

Post # 4
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

Good luck!! 

Just keep it calm and steady and do it when you both have all the time in the world to chat about it. Like at home relaxing on the couch. 

Something like, ” Hey we have talked here and there about marriage and kids but havnen’t gotten specific. Id really like to be engaged by our third anniversary. How do you feel about that? “

Think of this chat as the first of a series of chats. 

The first chat gives you an idea of where his head is at in general, after 2 years he should at least be open to talking about it, and if you are lucky excited and on board 100% But don’t worry if he isn’t commiting to a timeline right away. Just gently probe for information in the chat.

The next chat you can do 2 months later, “Hey remember we talked a few months ago about getting engaged. I would really like to be engaged by (this time say month of your 3rd anniversary) Are we on the same page with that? At this point he should have thought about it more since your first conversation and have stepped toward the idea way more. Again maybe he is 100% on board. If he is hesitating you can ask him what makes him hesitate? Ask when he would be ready. 

The third chat do 1 month later. “Hey, just checking in about the last conversation we had about getting engaged. Are we on the same page with being engaged by ( month of 3rd anniversary)? If he still hesitates a lot, or makes up excuses that don’t seem right you are going to have to be more direct. For example, he makes an excuse, you ask him what he is doing to overcome that excuse. Because an excuse with no plan to correct it is just that a bullcrap excuse. You should expect if he has a reason why not, that you deserve an answer on what he is planning to do about that. If you still get all kinds of push back or vague answers you gotta end with something like this. ” Ok, I hear what you are saying. For me I am not willing to give an unlimited amount of time to a relationship that isn’t moving forward. That wouldn’t be right for either of us to waste our time. If we get to ( you pick a month where if he hasn’t proposed you will walk out) August and there is no proposal we are going to have to talk about what we are doing and if this relationship is serving both our needs.”

THen you drop it until the walk date. He doesn’t propose you walk. You made yourself perfectly clear on what you needed. You openly discussed it and tried to address all concerns. 

Here is the key to this process. Between conversations about engagement you DO NOT drop hints, nag about it, make little side comments etc. If he brings it up great, if not you save it for the serious conversations. 

* If during any of these conversations he gets angry, defensive, doesn’t want to discuss it at all, leaves the room etc. than you have your HUGE RED FLAG. If he loves you he will be open to discussing it calmly and respectfully. If he can’t do that he is telling you he resents you asking. People don’t resent other people for discussing something they want to do, even if it is someday. He should be open to it, and at best excited. 

Keep us updated!! 

Post # 5
1751 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Yay and good luck! I will just say, be open if your timelines don’t match up perfectly. There is plenty of room for compromise!

Post # 7
2371 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

dellarossa :  It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are willing to speak up for what you want AND willing to compromise. I feel like a lot of waiting bees are too shy or they aren’t willing to bend. 

I would also suggest to bring up how long you’d like to get engaged because a lot of men don’t realize how long after an engagement the wedding is. For example, my sister (who is recently engaged!) told her boyfriend and about getting engaged and he said he wasn’t ready to get married. She explained she wanted to be engaged for 1-2 years before tying the knot. He thought people planned a wedding in 2 or 3 months and didn’t realize people wait that long! He had no clue so that’s why he wasn’t proposing tongue-out 

Post # 8
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I just want to mention that if he is willing to buy a house with you, but hasn’t thought about marriage or made it a priority, he might be the kind of guy who says he wants to be married in the future, but then the future never really comes. You should set a walk date for yourself if marriage is a priority for you. Don’t let him wait until you’ve been together for three years to tell you three years isn’t feasible. He needs to do some thinking and come up with a timeline.

Buying a house together generally means commitment and if he isn’t ready to make that commitment formal in the next year or so, well that’s a read flag to me.

Post # 11
10389 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

dellarossa :  

How on earth do you buy a friggin house with your SO with even the most fleeting thoughts of marriage not coming up?  What nonsense.  I’m surprised he can do that with a straight face.

By combining your credit, incomes, and DP money, you were able to get into a house.  He clearly did not see it as a major step toward the altar.

What you have extracted thus far is an agreement to think about making a commitment. He will get back to you on when and if you’re getting married or not.  

Bee, raising the issue of your relationship goals is not supposed to be a big, scary monster that you have to prepare and train for.  State of the union convos should be an ongoing thing in your relationship.  You have to communicate your expectations.

You’re wondering if your bf got his longer timeline from observing your friends.  Here’s a crazy thought—ask him.  Tell him truthfully that their time frames really don’t work for you.  Communicate.

Post # 12
83 posts
Worker bee

OP – i made the mistake of buying a house with my ex back in 2010 afater a few years of a relationship. Five years later I broke up with him, there was no engagement, no marriage. I had thought that we’ll buy a house and other things (engagement, marriage etc) will naturally follow later. Didn’t happen. 

So the lesson I learnt was massive and it was this: I’d NEVER again buy a property with someone who isn’t taking concrete steps towards a joint future, by which I mean marriage. Regardless of what the person says, regardless of how much he supposedly wants to marry me. Unless he’s actually DOING something in that regard and not just speaking about, I’d NOT buy a house with him – and I don’t care how favourable the housing market may be at the moment. Because otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a failure in the future. 

Given your boyfriend’s current attitude, I think there is at least a 50% chance that you will one day be selling the house, both unmarried and probably breaking up. I’ve been there and it wasn’t pleasant. Fingers crossed that your situation will be different. 

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