Hello! Newbee planning to have ‘the talk’ this week!

posted 12 months ago in Waiting
Post # 16
2553 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with Sassy that it’s not really fair to you that you are now expected to sit back and wait for when and how HE chooses to bring it up. 

You seem very level headed and self-possessed, just be sure you are not compromising TOO much in his favor. 

I started out my own approach with Dh just like this. I broached the topic (he had asked me to move in with him, so there was a natural cause), and he heard me out and said he needed time to think, and asked if we could revisit the topic AFTER THE HOLIDAYS (because of stress) which was FIVE MONTHS AWAY.

I initially agreed, because I wanted to be “reasonable.” However, after a few days of thinking about it, I decided that wasn’t going to work for me. I didn’t like being put off just because he felt stressed by other things. *I* shouldn’t be made to wait and suffer in silence just because *he* couldn’t handle stress.

But, I mean, I DO like to think I’m reasonable and considerate. Even while standing up for my own needs.

So I gently told him a few days later that I thought a five month wait didn’t seem reasonable, and I’d really like to hear his thoughts within the next few days, so that I could feel that he was making me and our future a priority.

He was going on an all-day fishing trip the next day and he suggested that he would give it all very serious thought and we’d talk that night. 

When he got back from his trip, I didn’t bring it up because he knew it was important to me, and i wanted to see him take his own steps toward honoring his own promises on the subject.

Words are meaningless to me, I’ve learned to 1) clearly communicate my needs to men, then 2) give them the space to take their own action, and 3) wait to see what action they take.

True to his word, he brought it up that night and shared his own timeline. I hadn’t shared mine because I hadn’t wanted to feel I was “pressuring” him to do anything sooner than he truly felt ready to. That was specific to OUR dynamic, though. Dh is a people pleaser, and so I felt the need to take my own timeline out of the equation, so that I could trust any timeline he gave me wasn’t affected by my own. He gave me a timeline that was actually shorter than my own, and everything else fell into place naturally from there. 

But yeah, I agree with Sassy that now you’ve left the ball entirely in your boyfriend’s court, and he could literally be thinking right now that he’ll get around to thinking about it/talking to you about it 6 months from now. If that doesn’t work for you, don’t feel bad about bringing it all up again and stating your needs calmly and clearly. Good luck!

Post # 19
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

If you’ve agreed when you’ll get married, doesn’t that mean you ARE engaged? 🤔

Post # 20
7996 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

dellarossa :  

I have to say I don’t really understand this  ” we have an agreement that he is going to propose in 2019. I’d prefer it to be in the first half of 2019 but he said it’s more likely to be in the second half ” .

Well, I understand it but not quite how  you can  be OK with it . If you both have  agreed to be married by 2020, why must he put you off until the last moment ,  which is what  the second half of 2019 is ? Is it  not  tantamount to   saying he wants as long  as possible in case he changes his mind ?  Being engaged is agreeing to be married  which it   appears you have already done . So why this lengthy ‘unofficial’ period ? 

It appears the decision making  is still up to him alone .  I think you are being far too pliable OP. Proposals should not  be something  men reluctantly bestow only and always when the date exactly suits  them ,  regardless of the woman’s wishes.  

Post # 21
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

dellarossa :  I think you have made good progress but you are still a far way off from a concrete agreement of proposal. Yes you have picked out a year but keep in mind that he basically could now wait that entire time and still not propose at all. I think the best course of action with engagement is to introduce the idea, wait a bit, talk again, wait a bit then talk again. My boyfriend needed a few months after I brought it up the first time to go from, well i can’t tell you i want to marry you, to Yes I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Men need to let it marinate a bit. But at the same time I was asking my boyfriend those questions about 7 months into our relationship. You have already spent 2 years with this guy and he bought a house with you. He knows whether or not he wants to marry you already. 

I suggest you wait a few more months and talk to him again and get some speficics on why he wants it to be the last half of 2019. If its so he can save up for the ring or something? fine. But if he is vague and just says he needs more time? That isn’t so good. That is him basically admitting that he doesn’t know yet 100% that he wants to marry you. To make sure its not that he doesn’t know, I would just check in in a few months and ask a few more questions. In 6 months send him info about the ring style you like and or your size. Try to see how he reacts to those moves. Just please keep your eyes open and be willing to talk to him and get updates along the way so you don’t get blindsided at the end of 2019 with him saying he needs more time. 

Post # 22
2 posts

ladyjane123 :  is there a way to save comments? Because I want to keep this!!

Post # 23
3479 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry OP, but I don’t see that any progress has been made here. You now have an entire year before he *may* propose. The fact that he wants it to be in the latter half of the year is very telling. He’s just playing for time. You live together and own a house together and he sounds like he’s dragging his feet.

Post # 26
212 posts
Helper bee

dellarossa :  CONGRATULATIONS, BEE! So happy things worked out like that for you two. Wishing you nothing but happiness. How did he propose? Aaaand can we see the ring?!?

Post # 27
94 posts
Worker bee

!!!Many many congratulations!!!

I had a good feeling about this. You kept your head and voiced your concerns like an adult and he responded accordingly. You guys are off to such a good start. You’re marrying someone who listens to you and values your feelings, YAY!

Best of luck to you both!

Post # 28
2897 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

dellarossa :  Congrats! It’s nice to see this update, I’m glad you spoke up and that he listened and took your feelings into consideration! 

Can we see the ring?!

Post # 29
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

dellarossa :  This is fantastic!!!! So happy for you!! This is the perfect example of standing up for yourself and making sure you voice your needs. You did wonderfully and it must feel so good to feel in control of your future. Wishing so much joy to you both!! Congrats!! 

Post # 30
930 posts
Busy bee

congratulations Bee! Its nice to se a happy ending (begining? lol) to your story! 



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