- 11 months ago
I agree with Sassy that it’s not really fair to you that you are now expected to sit back and wait for when and how HE chooses to bring it up.
You seem very level headed and self-possessed, just be sure you are not compromising TOO much in his favor.
I started out my own approach with Dh just like this. I broached the topic (he had asked me to move in with him, so there was a natural cause), and he heard me out and said he needed time to think, and asked if we could revisit the topic AFTER THE HOLIDAYS (because of stress) which was FIVE MONTHS AWAY.
I initially agreed, because I wanted to be “reasonable.” However, after a few days of thinking about it, I decided that wasn’t going to work for me. I didn’t like being put off just because he felt stressed by other things. *I* shouldn’t be made to wait and suffer in silence just because *he* couldn’t handle stress.
But, I mean, I DO like to think I’m reasonable and considerate. Even while standing up for my own needs.
So I gently told him a few days later that I thought a five month wait didn’t seem reasonable, and I’d really like to hear his thoughts within the next few days, so that I could feel that he was making me and our future a priority.
He was going on an all-day fishing trip the next day and he suggested that he would give it all very serious thought and we’d talk that night.
When he got back from his trip, I didn’t bring it up because he knew it was important to me, and i wanted to see him take his own steps toward honoring his own promises on the subject.
Words are meaningless to me, I’ve learned to 1) clearly communicate my needs to men, then 2) give them the space to take their own action, and 3) wait to see what action they take.
True to his word, he brought it up that night and shared his own timeline. I hadn’t shared mine because I hadn’t wanted to feel I was “pressuring” him to do anything sooner than he truly felt ready to. That was specific to OUR dynamic, though. Dh is a people pleaser, and so I felt the need to take my own timeline out of the equation, so that I could trust any timeline he gave me wasn’t affected by my own. He gave me a timeline that was actually shorter than my own, and everything else fell into place naturally from there.
But yeah, I agree with Sassy that now you’ve left the ball entirely in your boyfriend’s court, and he could literally be thinking right now that he’ll get around to thinking about it/talking to you about it 6 months from now. If that doesn’t work for you, don’t feel bad about bringing it all up again and stating your needs calmly and clearly. Good luck!