HELP! 23 year old flower girl…..how do I get out of this

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
Member
810 posts
Busy bee

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tj23 :  How old are your siblings who are the other flower girls? There are lots of alternative flower people out there, as a PP said. The other thing I have seen is that if the flower girls/guys are really young, it makes sense to have a chaperone to walk them down the aisle. Is this the role you are filling?

Could you talk to your brother again about the fact that you ONLY want to walk your grandparents down the aisle? Could you ask him why he would like you to be a flower girl? I feel like at this point it’s very late to bring this up, but maybe talking to your brother will help. After all, they do have two other flower girls, and it sounds like you would prefer to just walk your grandparents down the aisle, like your other sibling is doing…this seems very fair to me.

You also should keep in mind that this is just one day of your life and that the important thing is that you are there for your brother and supporting him on his wedding day. It sounds from your post like there might be a good amount of family politics at play, so while your brother may feel as close to you as you do to him there may be other reasons why he made your other siblings groomsmen and not you. At the end of the day, what seems most important is that you support your brother on his wedding day. IMO, how you walk down the aisle doesn’t matter so much, but what does matter is that he wants you to play special role(s) on his wedding day.

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JBeez :  I love these! 

Post # 17
Member
9966 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

What does the dress look like?

I totally get what you’re feeling but I think it’s kind of shitty to pull out so close to their wedding…

Post # 18
Member
1261 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I really want to see a picture of this dress.

Post # 19
Member
600 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry your brother didn’t make you a groomswoman. I sense that is the real issue and I understand why that would be hurtful.

Alternative flower girls are trendy right now and I’m sure they thought it would be a fun/different way to include you.

Personally, I would have been pretty annoyed if someone tried to change things up less than two weeks before my wedding after previously never saying anything. If it were me I would just suck it up and do it. But if you’re that uncomfortable, PPs have given some good advice for how to talk to them and deal with the situation.

Post # 20
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Depending on the dress I would pull out if it was little girlish. Yes it’s short notice but don’t they already have 2 other flower girls? It’s not like it would disrupt things. 

Post # 21
Member
1454 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Hey Bee, Sorry you’re feeling so down about this!

I come from a big family too (1 of 6) and I understand both the sibling dynamics and the difficulty in planning a wedding and wanting everyone to be part of it but having so many family members to accommodate.

Can I ask a few questions to get a better sense of the situation and the root of hte problem?

– Are the two groomsmen sisters the oldest sisters?
– Are your other two sisters who are flower girls feeling similarly negative about this role?
– Between not liking the outfit and not liking the role of flower girl, which issue is closer to the heart of it? i.e. is it the idea that groosmen role equates being closer with your brother (so you feel hurt that he doesn’t “prioritize” you the way you do him) or is it that you feel the outfit reflects the stereotypically “juvenile” aspect of the role and therefore you don’t feel very respected by your brother’s choice?

 

A couple preliminary thoughts in the meantime:

1. Partaking in someone’s wedding is a way of standing up and supporting both the indiviual and affirming their choice of life partner — regardless of the role
2. It’s becoming more trendy to have adult flower girls/ring bearers 
3. My first reaction to the role assignments was that the three oldest siblings are the groomsmen and the younger siblings are other roles — This isn’t super surprisign to me as in my family we tend to still treat the older siblings as being “older” even though at this age the difference inyears really doesn’t matter (we’re all in our late 20s and 30s….those hierarchies should be gone and yet they persist more from habit then anything else)
4. At this late hour the ship has sailed to make a fuss about the outfit so I think in that area you need to grin and bear it

Post # 22
Member
10353 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Steal the show, girl.

Post # 23
Member
5947 posts
Bee Keeper

It’s all about the dress and your comfort level. I have seen a trend in different flower people and I kind of like it but if they try to make you wear a childish dress it’s weird abd frankly insulting. 

If they’re super trendy people or going agsinst the grain in the rest of the wedding then they’re likely going along with the trend of older flower people. If not I don’t get it. 

Also if they want you to do both walking the grandparents and flowers logistically how will that work? Are you going to walk up and down twice? Or do it at the same time? 

Bottom line if you’re uncomfortable speak up asap!

Post # 24
Member
5947 posts
Bee Keeper

Didn’t realize it was two weeks out. Tell us the logistics and maybe we can help you feel better about it or make a suggestion that you can gently suggest…also can we see the dress? Hair and makeup can do a lot to glam it up.   

Post # 25
Member
2612 posts
Sugar bee

How little are the flower girls? Did they possibly choose you for that role so that someone could make sure they make it all the way down the aisle? 

Either way it’s kind of an odd choice if it wasn’t meant to be a bit silly. I get why you’re annoyed. 

Post # 26
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I would “make it rain” flowers all over that damn aisle!!!

Post # 27
Member
2793 posts
Sugar bee

Talk to your brother and his fiance. This is a simple fix. They already have two flower girls, and they said you could walk down your other grandparents. There’s no need for you to both walk your grandparents and be a flower girl. Just tell them you’re going to walk your grandparents down, and that’s it. You don’t want to be a flower girl.

Look, I’d tell them, because it doesn’t really affect their wedding, and you resent them for not choosing you to be a bridesmaid or groomsman already, if you walk as a flower girl when you don’t want to, you’ll definitely resent them. When the pictures come out, you’ll be upset all over again. Months later when the video from the videographer is shared on Facebook, you’ll be upset/hurt/embarrassed all over again.

Yes, it’s “their day,” and as a former bride who just went through organizing a wedding, it can get stressful. However, that doesn’t give them an excuse to just throw you wherever in the wedding so that they meet some arbitrary desire to have all of your brother’s siblings involved in the wedding. At 23, they know you’re far too old to fit the traditional role of flower girl. And yes, I see that PPs posted some pics of a new trend of “flower people” who have performed the role, but the point is that this makes you uncomfortable and your younger siblings already have the role.

Post # 28
Member
3084 posts
Sugar bee

I think one of the key points about all the photos of happy adult flower ‘girls’ people have posted is they are likely to be people who actively wanted to be an adult flower girl, nto someone who was forced into it.  They’re all dressed like adults, too.

Really hoping the OP comes back to give us details on the dress, the ages of the other flower ‘girls’, etc.  

Post # 30
Member
5947 posts
Bee Keeper

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tj23 :  ok same dress as the kids is not the best. Do you like the dress? Can you glam it up to look more adult or is it just ridiculous? 

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