- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
If you aren’t ready, then you aren’t ready! And at 20, it’s understandable!
If you aren’t ready, don’t do it. That is the simplest and best advice I can give you. I think it is wise of you to realize you aren’t ready and to know what you want. Be realistic bc you are talking about bringing another life into this world.
PS. If you aren’t on Birth Control, strongly consider it. You have your entire life ahead of you. Don’t rush with kiddos. Good luck to you.
@thenuggetbride: Thank you! I keep telling him that we aren’t ready and all of the things that we need to consider before we even think about trying and he doesn’t understand. He keeps telling me that we’re wasting time or that I’m being negative. He’s really starting to push me away. Ugh. I’m not on birth control anymore, I was but I started getting some negative side effects that scared me and we use a condom. :/
“wasting time”? You’re 20…How many children do you intend to have?
It’s really great that he wants to be a dad and wants to have a child with you. But there are realities that he has to understand.
Children are expensive and if you don’t have enough money to cover yourselves, then I wouldn’t advise having a baby. For me to give birth in a hospital, it will cost about $14K. Most of this will be covered by health insurance, however do you have health insurance? And that’s BIRTH–ground zero, day one–nevermind the daily trips to the pediatrician after it’s born. Here’s a calculator that can help break down the yearly cost of the baby: http://www.babycenter.com/baby-cost-calculator
Who is going to take care of the baby? Will one of you stay home or will you be paying for childcare? And if one of you stays home, does that other person make enough to support the both of you? Will that necessitate that person working TWO jobs in which case, it’ll be tough to spend time together. Anything that you want to do when you go out, automatically tack on at least $70 to the cost. Movies will now cost you close to $100 because you’ll be paying for a babysitter. How are the schools where you live? Would you have to move for the child to go to a decent public school or will you be paying for private school? Is there a decent preschool near you? Have you thought about setting up a college fund?
I teach English and one of my kids’ favorite phrases is “Kill your babies.” In writing, this refers to editing out superflous parts that are difficult to cut because you love them–they’re your babies–but they just don’t do anything for the story. The reason it’s a great metaphor is because in reality, babies don’t do anything for YOU–except drain you of sleep, money, energy, time, and youth. A baby will only complicate your life. The only thing going for them is that they’re sorta cute. Don’t get me wrong–I’m not saying children won’t bring anything to your life, but before you get all caught up in cutseyville, remind your Fiance that it’s a LOT of work and a lifelong commitment. And in reality, BOTH of you have to be on board for it to work. If you’re not, then waiting would be smart.
I also recommend that perhaps you find someone who has an actual baby and get Fiance a temporary babysitting gig. That usually does the trick 🙂
Having a baby changes EVERYTHING. I mean, I always knew I wanted kids, but a surprise pregnancy at 20 was a tough life event for me. I wouldn’t go back and change anything, but she has definitely complicated a lot of things. Make sure he’s fully aware of what he’s signing up for- that everything about your lives will pretty much change.
If you’re not on the same page, don’t do it. You need to make it clear that a decision as big as this one needs to be a shared decision. Let him know you want kids, just not yet. Explain how you want to take time to enjoy each other as a couple, maybe travel a bit, or, hell, just go to dinner without having to take a baby along or find a reliable sitter.
I’m sorry you’re feeling pressured, but don’t “give in” to having a child. It really is a life altering decision, and you both need to be on the same page.
I’m sorry you are feeling pressured about this…It really isn’t something that anyone has a right to pressure another person into, especially the mother because she has to house the baby and deal with those side effects all by herself. If you aren’t ready, don’t give in….sure 20 year olds can make it work, but really, older, wiser and more financially/mentally prepared couples have a hard enough time as it is when baby comes, why would you want to take that step before you are mentally and realistically ready?
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