Post # 1
I hope someone out there can either tell me what to do or knock some sense in to me.
I am Engaged to a man 19 years my senior. We have been together 9 years and we get married in 2 weeks. We have gone through good times and bad times but are very loyal to each other. He was my first boyfriend and I guess we just never broke up.
When he proposed it came as a total surprise and yes I was happy. Now, 2 weeks before the wedding I feel totally trapped and am just day dreaming about running away and starting a new life on my own.
I have had to deal with a very sick close relative this year which has made the year just horrendous. After we got the all clear, I started to focus on the wedding and then started to massively freak out. I started to suffer panic attacks and even went to the drs to try and get something to calm me down.
I am very mature for my age and very sensible and my friends just couldn’t believe what I was saying. Eventually they talked sense in to me and having seen what it was doing to my fiancé I apologised placed it down to the stress and continued to spend hours (together with $1000s) planning my day. From the outside i look like any other excited bride. On the inside I just want to cry.
My fiancé is a good man and does not deserve me yelling at him that I don’t want to marry him every time we have an argument but I can’t help it. He can’t do anything right in my eyes at the moment and I honestly feel like I don’t even like him.
The only thing that scares me more than marrying him is being the girl to pull the plug on her wedding with 2 weeks to go and face he embarrassment to my friends, family and colleagues. I would have nowhere to go, nowhere to live and I suspect not many friends were I do it.
Feeling totally lost.
Post # 2
Forget the outsiders. You have to do what is right for YOU. and pulling the plug on a wedding before it happens is MUCH EASIER than getting divorced. Please. Listen to your heart (as corny as that sounds). don’t do anything rash, but do not marry this man if you don’t absolutely want to. Please.
Post # 3
PinkKitten: oh shit girl…. I am so sorry. You sound like you have your head on straight when you say you don’t want to marry him. If things had been status quo and you “just never broke up” then your relative gets crazy sick bringing to light how short life is etc… I could see maybe questioning your choice to tie yourself down because “it’s what is expected”… Embarrassment and money aside… this might be your most expensive lesson in life.
I don’t think you should go through with the marriage with such serious objections… Good luck and I’m sorry for you 🙁
Post # 4
PinkKitten: That sounds like more than normal wedding jitters.
You and your FI need to sit down and talk about this. Do not get married if you’re not ready to, don’t worry what other people think it’s about you and your FI and your lives!
Post # 5
I am sorry that you are going through this but I think you should trust your instincts here. If you really feel like you do not want to marry him right now, I think you should calmly talk to him about it and not get maried. Do you see yourself marrying him in a few years perhaps?
Post # 6
I could be way off here, but I’m guessing: you spent a lot of time caring for a very sick relative which was draining on you emotionally and physically. Your fiance is 19 years older than you and likely you will be taking care of him sick and elderly in a little bit- plus you’ll be doing this while trying to raise any children you two have- plus your own parents are getting old and will need care. This sounds like a really tough life and I can totally understand why you’d be dreading the future. It’s just too much for one woman!
Post # 7
You need to listen to yourself bee. Call off the wedding- see what’s out there beyond this much older man who swooped you up.
Post # 8
What has kept you with this man for so long?
Do you feel that you have not done enough independently?
I’m asking because you mention wanting to go live your own life.
It also sounds like you are staying for security since you mentioned you have nowhere else to go.
Post # 9
Thanks for all your advice guys.
please don’t think he is a bad man, he isn’t. He worships me, works all the hours to provide for me. Just tonight I came home to a candlelit bath (although I still managed to turn that into an argument). As my friends all say, the grass isn’t greener he would step in front of a bus for me. I know I am breaking his heart by the way I am being and the things I am saying but I cant help it.
I know I shouldn’t go through with it if I have doubts but how do you know if they are genuine or just jitters and a result of the stress I have been under.
Wish the wedding wasn’t two weeks away so I had time to decide. i know I am a coward when I say this but I know I won’t ever leave him, and he won’t leave me (and believe me I have given him reason enough the past 2 months) and can’t help but think we are going to just be in a marriage that perhaps isn’t unhappy but isnt as happy as it should be.
this should be the happiest time of my life 🙁
Post # 10
What is it specifically that now worries you about getting married? Perhaps it might help to talk with a counselor or clergyperson or something. It’s better to change the course now before you’re married. The problems are only going to be more intense after that. Don’t let your FI or other people push you around; take care of yourself.
Post # 11
- Wedding: November 2014 - Historic cinema
Oh honey, don’t get married. <br />The emotions you are feeling now and will feel once calling off will be much smaller than what most likely will happen if you do get married and then have to end things down the line.
My husband is 19 years my senior, but it certainly isn’t for everyone.
Hugs to you xx
Post # 12
- Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base
I hope you find the strength to save you both some major heartache. If you say you will never leave him why don’t you want to marry him?
Post # 13
Your issues do not sound like normal wedding jitters. Do not do this for others. None of those people have to be trapped in a miserable marriage to him, but you do. They also would not have to go through a nightmare of a divorce. If nothing else, postpone the wedding. Tell everyone that you are having some health issues that need to be taken care of first. Honestly, you do have mental and emotional health problems right now! I wish that I had never married my first husband (many red flags, signs, and intuition that I ignored), but I had NO doubts about my now husband. Your gut is speaking to you, so perhaps you should listen. He does not have to be a horrendous man in order to not be the one for you. Do not waste anymore of his or your time due to pressures from others. I hope all goes well, whatever choice that you make!
Post # 14
Leave. If you don’t even like him anymore, there’s no point in pledging your life to him. Find someone that you’re excited to be with forever.
Post # 15
PinkKitten: Listen to your gut. Think about what would happen if you called it off, and had full support from family, friends, and co-workers. And became extremely successful in your life without him.
Don’t let pressure from worrying about other people or money or even hurting his feelings make any impression on your decision. Not doing something is a lot less messy then undoing something. You obviously care about him but if you aren’t in it 100%and go down the aisle it is unfair to him as well.
Try and figure out the right choice for you. Postpone the wedding if you need to. But be honest with yourself.
Good luck and be strong!