(Closed) Help a future groom….

posted 7 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I know it’s a hard decision, and you want to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings. I think your best bet would be to go with your best friend..and that kind of sounds like what you would be most happy with. If your brothers are upset by your choice you could always tell them you wanted to be fair and couldn’t decide between them, it’s an easy out!

Post # 5
Member
14495 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Welcome to the Hive, always nice to see a man struggling over the very things that we struggle with.

1)  Personally, I would go with the best friend while at the same time would have a talk with the brothers to keep a brotherly eye on him.  I wouldn’t worry about the toast, maybe again, one of your brothers would be willing to help him out with alittle.

2)  Have an opinion on everything, my Darling Husband did.  He narrowed down invites for me and let me pick which ones I wanted.  He made all sorts of things for our wedding.  He chose our first dance song, he helped pick the food, he pick cake flavors.  Even if you are not interested in what color the invites are, honestly tell her which ones you like more.  Darling Husband didn’t really care about invites, for him it was his way of staying involved.  And if you have any handy skills, tell her you would be will to make some stuff, there are all sorts of cool DIY stuff that is more geared to the “man” skills.

3) Get yourself a wedding checklist (Marthastuartwedding.com has a great one).  Do alittle research so that you are prepaired.  Don’t let the vendors treat you like that.  That kind of thing didn’t fly well with Darling Husband either and he set them straight every time it happened. 

 

If you have ANY questions about anything, don’t be afraid to ask your FB or even come to the Hive, shoot, we all come here for questions all the time about everything. Hope this helps πŸ™‚

Good Luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Post # 6
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee

I’m obviously not a guy, but maybe I can offer some advice?

1. It seems as though from what you’ve written, your brothers for co-best men is what would be the most comfortable thing for you since you said they are responsible, good at toasts, etc. If you still want to give your friend something special to do besides being a groomsman, why not let him be the MC? He can announce your entrance into the reception, introduce people for speeches, etc. 

2. My FH is the same way as you. He tries to get excited about colors, centrepieces, etc. but it just doesn’t thrill him, and that’s fine. Your FB is probably asking you a lot of questions about that stuff because she needs reassurance that the decisions she’s making are good ones, even if she’s already set on having it.

 My advice for getting interested in the wedding planning would be for you to pick a project to work on that speaks to you. My FH loves music, so he’s in charge of the DJ and making a playlist. Have you talked to your FB about including some of your likes in the wedding? My FH is a huge Star Wars fan so we’re having a Han and Leia cake topper, he likes movies so we’re doing movie poster guest book, etc. You can add personal touches in without overwhelming your FB’s vision for the day.

3. This I’m not sure on. We spoke with a lot of vendors and didn’t really encounter any that spoke solely to me and not to FH. I agree that they’re being very rude. 

Post # 7
Member
921 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

its so exciting to have a guy around every now and then!!

1. i would talk with the guys you have narrowed it down to and see what they think. do they all think they could make good best men? you could have all three of them in the party, the brothers would help plan a party with out strippers and ur bff could bring a little life to it. remind them that “best man” is just a title. they can all get together and do stuff its no single persons responsibility to do everything!

2. try to get in and help wherever you can. if she has to make 200 invites, offer to stuff envelopes and put stamps on. if she needs to go to the store to get a truck load of flowers, go with her and help her carry the bags. maybe there is something more manly that will come up in planning like carpenter stuff or electronic stuff. ask her if you can have a mission. like finding a dj or a minister or even just picking out tux rental places.

3. the vendor one is a bit hard. they should be able to look at you. maybe when you guys are setting up the interviews you should call so they see you showing initiative in the planning. this is something that frustrated my Fiance and he just quit going and left it all to me which made me frustrated. if a vendor isnt willing to look you in the eye or acknowledge your existance then i would shy away from them a bit.

 

hope this helps and good luck!

Post # 8
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

1) I would go with the best friend. I think that even if you think he may not be able to make a speach, he is the one you really want, and maybe your brothers could do a toast or something, that way they are included as well, which would minimize the pressure on your best friend. My Fiance has 2 bestmen, and I think they will both give toasts or speaches.

2) I agree with previous posts about helping with the ideas, my Fiance isn’t really all that excited about things either, but he still wants to help, so I gave him choices and he helped me pick which one he likes. I think this is something that you will either be kind of excited about, or not at all. And this may sound bad, but I am not sure any groom can get as excited as a bride. How about you think about some things about the wedding that you really want, whether it be the hotel the night of, the color of the tuxes you and your groomsmen will wear or the design of the cake you absolutely love and discuss it with your Fiance. 

3) Some people are just douchie! My Fiance was really into helping pick out things and discuss things with our venue place and they were OK, they still mostly talked to me, but he did the same things you did, I think that for the most part people think it is all BRIDE and her decisions, because they are thinking olden times, when in reality they are out of date and need to realize that many grooms are more involved in the planning process these days. I just chalk it up to them being stupid and douchie, and there’s not much you can do about it, except keep inserting yourself into the planning where and when you can….

Good luck to you, and it’s so nice to see a groom to be on the BEE πŸ™‚ (KEEP US POSTED)!

Post # 9
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

I agree with the best friend, but its ultimately your call.  It is what you are comfortable with and not something that should cause you so much stress!

My Fiance is less than enthused over many of the wedding details.  What we have worked out is this:  I narrow down my choices to a few that I like, and then we decide together on one.  This gives him veto power and a chance to interject his opinion and is on a scale that he can handle without getting a headache, lol.  He has gone to some meetings with me, but not every single one.  For example, the venue was important to both of us, so we did those meetings together.  The photographer is something that is very important to me, but that he could care less about, so I took my mom and my brother instead.  Then I present him with the choices, the facts (prices, packages, etc), and my feelings on them.  We talk through the decision and make one together.

I would suggest deciding on your priorities for the wedding (venue, music, food, decor, etc.) and talking to your Fiance about what you feel is important to you.  If you aren’t into the flowers or whatever, then tell her you don’t have a strong opinion, but would like her to show you and discuss with you the options she narrows down so you can make the final decision together.  Or tell her that you are putting that area in her hands, but are open if she wants your advice or opinion at any time.  

Its not that I need my Fiance super involved, but I want to feel like he cares, even when I know its not very important to him which color bridesmaid dresses we have, because I want to feel like he cares about the wedding as a whole.  He is much more opinionated and willing to get involved in the decision when he doesn’t have to deal with as much of the initial researching and things like that that can be tedious.  It can be tedious to me too, but I care a lot more about these details than he does.

Props to you for being an awesome fiance so far!  And with vendors, if they are being that rude, I would speak up.  They may be more used to just dealing with the brides and having grooms there for moral support, but that doesn’t mean they should just make such rude assumptions.  Just mention to them that (whatever vendor, catering, etc.) is a priority to you.  Maybe have your Fiance make a comment like, “I am so happy that he is so involved in planning this part of the wedding and that he has so many opinions about it.”  Hopefully that would make them take the hint.  If not, and they keep talking to her only, then have her say something like, “Oh you should really talk to Grixis about this, he is (much more invested in this area, has more opinions, is making this decision, etc).”  If they aren’t listening to you, then they should definitely be listening to her.  And if they are still that dumb, they don’t really deserve your business.

Post # 11
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee

Does she have an overall theme/style for the wedding? If she won’t let you put the nerdy stuff in (which is a shame because let me say, Back To The Future is a classic :P) then maybe you can work in the more mainstream stuff? Like the history aspect?

Post # 12
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Maybe instead of a back to the future themed wedding cake, make it a grooms cake! I am actually making the grooms cake for our wedding. We both love Stargate and so, the grooms cake will be a stargate replica πŸ™‚

The grooms cake isn’t supposed to be a fancy one, it’s supposed to show something the groom or the B and G both have an interest in πŸ™‚

Depending on your ceremony, maybe you could write it up yourself πŸ™‚ not just the vows but go through and write it from start to finish…or have something like a writing you came up with and have one of your brothers read it during the ceremony. 

Post # 13
Member
14495 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Grixis857: You can always put your writing skills to work on your wedding day letter to her.  Darling Husband sent me texts and wrote me a letter to read while I was getting ready.  I still cry thinking about it and I printed all the texts.  The letter is in my private box, but the text messages are going in the wedding book.

 

@Miss. Snowball: Writing the ceremony, great idea!!! We did that and wrote everything around one ceremony that we found on the Bee.  It was so beautiful and personal, no one will ever have that exact ceremony ever.

Post # 16
Member
2542 posts
Sugar bee

@Grixis857: Lol, well I’m a movie geek, I have a history degree, play video games. I constantly tell my FH he is lucky because I actually embrace the dorkiness of our wedding.

Is there anything at all about the 50s or 60s (the ideas she seems willing to entertain) that interest you? Watch an epsiode of Mad Men and tell me you don’t think parts or trends of the 60s could be fun!

P.S. Don’t worry about coming across as negative. A lot of us use this forum to vent so you’re definitely not the first. The fact that you’re on here asking for advice is good! I’m sure you can work out some awesome little details with your bride!

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