(Closed) Help a future groom….

posted 9 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 17
2541 posts
Sugar bee

“The tradition of the groom’s cake can be traced back to the Victorian era in England, when, in addition to the main wedding cake, there was also a groom’s cake and a smaller bride’s cake. At the end of the wedding, the two cakes were sliced and served to the groomsmen and bridesmaids.

The groom’s cake eventually made its way to the United States, and its popularity has endured, especially in the South. Many brides find the groom’s cake appealing because it’s a way to give the groom special recognition on a day when most of the attention seems to center on the bride.

Read more at Marthastewartweddings.com: Groom’s Cake “

FH want s Millenium Falcon groom’s cake! LOL

Post # 20
2889 posts
Sugar bee

It seems you’ve already answered the firet question with a bit of a hybrid role for your brothers. As for 2 and 3, maybe I cna give you some insights as we also struggled with these points (mostly 2).

I don’t think it can be all or nothing as you said there are some things you are not interested in to 50/50 does not make sense. When we were planning, I basically took the lead and tried to assign tasks to DH but he didn’t want my tasks. So after some stress and arguments we realized there were things we needed to do together and things he would never care about. One easy solution for us was theme and colors. He vetoed pink anything from the get go and at first I was upset but then we booked an ocean side venue and I was happy to use blue as the major color because it made sense witht he venue. When it came to the decision between white and ivory table cloths, he was no help and insisted there was no differnece so I eventually made this decision on my own. You say you are not interested in food but have you realized you can taste the food? DH was excited to participate in choosing a caterer once he heard I made tasting appointments, same for cake, he had your attitude of chicken, beef fish for the cake but once I took him to a tasting and he didn’t love the cake, suddenly he was interested to find a cake he liked. So, think about what you like and ask your Fiance what you can do for that aspect but give her control on other things that bore you. Just make sure you are supportive and willing to help with DIY or other stressful situations when she may need your support. 

As far as being ignored at meetings, could it be that she is setting up all of the meetings and thus the contact person? I set up all of our meetings with the venue and caterer so I took charge of the conversation and brought a list of questions. DH never complained but he ended up as more of the observer with a few questions as he was not involved in our prior email conversations (which were someties several before a meeting, especially with a carterer). However, it was totally different with the DJ where he was the lead. He made the appointment and I tagged along. Speaking of DJ, think about the bits of song you will need to introduce people to the reception, DH picked a different soung for each couple, mostly representing some sort of joke or characteristic of the Groomsmen. He used songs from TV shows and other random pop culture references. It was a great way for his interests/jokes to be present without taking over and the people who were being introduced didn’t know what they would walk into until it played so they were surpeised. I wish I could remember an example. Try taking the lead and setting up a meeting with a potential vendor and if they still ignore you, find a new vendor.


Good luck and don’t worry, most people on these boards come here to vent negative feelings they can’t share with friends.

Post # 22
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@Grixis857: Remember that yes, the best man is the “leader” of planning the bachelor party, all your groomsmen will probably have a say in what the plan will be, especially since they will be chipping in with $$ to plan a wonderful night for you. Just make sure you tell them what you don’t want (sex stuff) and let them go wild…maybe hint you want a camping trip or something.


For the grooms cake, knowing the history is good, but you should watch Steel Magnolios (sp). Look for the Armidillo!!! Ask your FB if she knows what it is! Also remember that the grooms cake helps to feed the guests. So make sure it is a different flavor than the wedding cake. If the wedding cake is white, the grooms cake is chocolate, so the guests have a choice.

Post # 23
2541 posts
Sugar bee

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@Miss. Snowball: The armadillo cake! Lol that’s my favourite scene.

Post # 24
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@Grixis857:  Honestly, I wouldn’t base the best man decision on who would perform the duties best. It’s more of an honor than it is a position or job. You should definitely go with a “Me” pick.  He’ll be there for you, not for “The Wedding.” In my case, I also have two brothers. Could never pick between the two.  So I selected my best friend who is like a brother to me. And honestly, don’t worry about concerns about planning the bachelor party. I knew what I wanted to do for my party, so we did that. I planned it with my best man.  So you can take charge of that in big ways. I wanted baseball and gambling so that’s what we had. If you are paranoid about the stripper sitch, you really have to tell him, though.  You won’t want him surprising you with them.  “This’ll be a no-stripper bachelor party. If a group wants to take a frolic & detour to a club, by all means go for it. But it ain’t a sanctioned part of the official party. It’s just a conversation that I find dreadful having with my wife…. (‘No, I didn’t get a lap dance… No, Bobby didn’t cheat on his wife… Yes, they were all hideous…). And I’d get up and leave along with a few other dudes who are invited if you guys actually hire the in-home variety. We don’t want that awkwardness.” I would highly recommend, as you suggested, that you appoint a like-minded person to be your wingman if the others start the “Oh c’mon it’s your bachelor party and it’s our only chance to get to see nekid ladies!” Your wingman can be the vocal support you need to get through that crap. I’ve once played the role of Keep Me From Getting Passed Out Drunk Wingman.  It was an honor to help out the groom in sort of a secret alliance at his bachelor party 🙂 I passed him non-alcoholic drinks and slammed his free beers for him when the going got tough. Nobody knows I was helping him avoid the terribleness these neanderthals had planned for him.

Moreover, if your best man gives a heartfelt, inarticulate, nervous toast, it’s infinitely better than a well-delivered speech by someone who is not your closest pal. It’s the best that your best friend could do and that’s good enough. I’ve been to a wedding where the best man had social anxiety disorder and he gave a 20 second toast that we could barely hear. It’s fine. Nobody waiting for dinner to be served after sitting through the service wants to listen to the toast anyway!  As much as the wedding stuff has been turned into a show that the bride and groom are putting on, I wouldn’t let perfecting that show determine upon whom you are bestowing the honor of best man.


Post # 25
5 posts
  • Wedding: April 2012

Problem #1 which best man. Go with your friend if he feels right, and tell your brothers how could you choose between the two of them, that it was easier to go with an outside option.they will understand, and if you still want them to toast they will make a toast.

Problem #2
you doing it all worng. 50/50 DOES NOT MEAN you two talk about everything/that you must go to these awful places where they treat you like crap just so that you can be involved. If you dont like flowers/cake tasting leave that to her entireley, instead you be in charge of things that YOU care about.

Its like chores, you don’t both have to wash dishes, if you hate washing dishes, and she likes doing laundry, do the one you like and she does what she likes, and everyone is happier.

Good luck 🙂

Post # 26
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Jeeze, man, take a couple of deep breaths. You seem really stressed out. This should be (mostly) fun! If you’re this anxious two years out, you’re probably taking things too seriously. You have two things to be happy about: a) you’re marrying the woman you love; b) you get to have a fun party with all your friends and family. In what way will pointless stress and anxiety make either of these things more enjoyable or meaningful?

A couple of things to keep in mind:

1) This is ONE DAY. You do not have to find a way to weave your dorky interests into the celebration (and I mean that kindly–I happen to be in grad school for history). Everyone coming to the wedding knows who you are and loves you for it. It’s not necessary to remind them that you’re a history buff by putting little figurines on the cake. Sure, your wedding should reflect who you are. So should your apartment. I trust you don’t consider custom-made Roman Empire themed shower curtains a necessity.

2) It is totally okay not to be into every little detail. I’m not sure why there’s no gray area between perfectly even division of labor and your Fiance doing everything. Of course she’s more into flowers and centerpieces and colors and bridesmaid dresses than you. Why not think about the things that actually do matter to you, and just reserve veto power/help pick between her favorite 2 options on the rest? In the long run, I think you both will feel much happier and less frustrated with each other if she isn’t trying to get your opinion on every.single.little.thing and you aren’t feeling guilty about not giving a damn.

Okay, on to your questions:

1) My Fiance and I couldn’t pick between friends, so we don’t have a best man/maid of honor. It’s worked out wonderfully for us so far. But we are having a pretty small, laid back wedding, so it’s not like there’s a whole lot for them to do. Still, it might be something to think about. Your best friend could stand closest to you and hold the rings; one of your other groomsmen who’s more confident speaking in public could give the toast (maybe they could even write it together and he could speak on behalf of all the groomsmen?); your brothers could help you with logistics (choosing a recommended hotel for your out of town guests; organzing a family brunch; whatever needs doing). IMO, having a wedding that reflects the people involved is about this kind of stuff. Do what makes sense for you, and be flexible.

In terms of your best friend and anxiety about the bach party, just tell him, clearly and firmly, that if he hires strippers/tries to take you to a club, you will leave. Party over. None of this instructing another friend to rescue you nonsense. What is that about? You’re not capable of walking out the door and calling a cab? Anyway, if you’re clear about your wants and expectations, I’m sure your friend will do his best to make sure that you have the kind of night you want. As an alternative, if you’re not into the crazy partying/drinking thing anyway (and good for you!) you could do a Jack and Jill type thing, at least for part of the evening. Say, meet the girls for dinner, and then go out for drinks with just the guys afterwards. That way if your brothers aren’t into extended festivities they can peace out after dinner.

2) I guess I already kind of covered that.

3) I’m sorry, that sucks. Maybe use some humor? Also, your Fiance should be aware of this and on your side. Ideally, she should speak up: “Actually, Grixis asked the question, and I think it’s a good one. What do you think about that answer, sweetheart?” or “Honey, why don’t you start with the questions. I know how important X is to you.” My guess is that vendors are used to the brides being totally on top of the planning, and the dudes just tagging along to be good sports. It’ll take some conscious effort on her part as well as yours to make sure that you’re included. Let her know how much this bugs you and see if she steps up, or if she just goes along with them ignoring you.

Post # 27
9024 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

welcome to the hive!

one thing stood out in your post

“I find this to be probably the most humiliating aspect of wedding ritualism so far (even more than asking for her parents blessing or getting down on one knee,etc.).”

Why was it humiliating for you to get on one knee? or to ask her parents for their blessing?

When I go car shopping with my husband the sales men talk to him much more than to me, same when we go to the hardware store and buy paint or nails, whenever we ask questions they speak more to him than me, so in the same way when we went wedding vendors they did sometimes talk more to me than him. Because its known that women usually do care more about the tiny details and I dont think this is something to be humiliated about.


Post # 28
335 posts
Helper bee

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@Grixis857: this is random, but as soon as i saw you were interested in fantasy RPGs, i thought you might be interested in doing D&D minis as cake toppers! i’m not even engaged yet, but i always thought that doing custom miniatures (painting them myself/possibly sculpting them, too) would be crazy awesome for either a wedding cake or a groom’s cake. my Boyfriend or Best Friend is really into D&D and other tabletop RPGs, and he got me and my friends into them, too! (he’s my DM, lol)

i would just say don’t be afraid to get involved, even in the face of rude, old-fashioned vendors. more than likely, your bride has a lot of ideas but needs help to go in the right direction. contrary to popular belief, this isn’t just the bride’s day; it’s yours, too!! i think a good ole’ brainstorming session between the two of you could be a good idea to come up with a theme or style you both like that would hold your interest and give you projects to focus on. (i actually think that having a slight historical/fantasy feel would be really fun for a wedding.)

and if she’s really wanting to go in the 50’s/60’s nostalgia direction, what if you were to actually work in something like Back to the Future refereces? for example, using the “enchantment under the sea dance” as inspiration for your reception? lol, i dunno, it’s just an idea, but if it strikes your fancy then maybe it would be a good place to compromise?

as for your best man problem, i think you can assign people whatever jobs they feel comfortable doing. if your brothers and your best friend all want to be involved, then figure out who would be best at what. it’s your wedding, so couldn’t they all be best men?

hope my ramblings help a bit! i’m mostly just thinking outloud here…XD

Post # 29
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Here’s some thoughts from another future groom.

1) I say go with the best friend. You might be a little overly paranoid, but I think if you just have a serious talk about him with regard to the things you don’t want for you bachelor party, it should be fine. Plus, he can plan it with your brothers and they can ensure he’s kept straight. As for the speech, maybe you can also e,list the brothers to help him out if they’re more eloquent. I think since he’s closer and there’s one of him, he’s probably the better choice, but they’re your brothers and are probably happy to help out even if they aren’t best men.

2) I know you said that due to religious reasons, the ceremony is set in stone, but is that really the case? I don’t know your religion or your church, but I bet if you went and talked to the minister/pastor/priest/rabbi/imam/whatever they might be happy to work with you to write an interesting ceremony or at least parts of it.

I guess I got lucky in that I really wanted to be a part of our wedding planning and Fiance and I both want it to be our wedding. She gets mildly annoyed when people talk about a “bridal party” instead of a “wedding party” and we both feel that a groom’s cake is unnecessary at our wedding when the main wedding cake, as with the entire wedding itself, should reflect both of us and I shouldn’t need a special something to make sure my views are reflected. We both decide things together and discuss everything. It’s a wedding for both of our friends and families to celebrate our lives coming together and we want it to feel like both of us and be recognizable as “us”.

I don’t know how far along you are in the planning, but maybe take a moment to sit her down and tell her that you really do want to be a part of the planning and that you’re just as excited about the wedding and your lives together as she is, but that you want to make sure that the wedding reflects both of you. Impress upon her that you’re a creative person and want to help. Work with her to come up with ways for you to help and maybe give her ideas of things that would interest you.

3) Last night I went with my Fiance and my mother to a place where my mom wants to have the rehearsal dinner. Since my parents are paying for it, They can do pretty much whatever they like. It was a nice enough restaurant and the owner was really friendly and polite, but when discussing things, he mostly talked to my mom, and sometimes to my Fiance. It seems like he really only glanced at me ocassionally. I understand this since he basically knew he had to sell it to my mom and probably anytime there’s a parent involved in some aaspect of wedding planning, they’re probably paying and that makes sense for the vendor.

Similarly, it’s basically par for the course that the women do most of the planning in weddings because they are the most interested. Vendors realize this and generally cater more to the brides since they are the ones who will usually pick. It is rare for a guy to have strong opinions, usually, and because of that I’m sure they can be looked over in meetings.

The best course of action is probably to speak up right at the beginning. When telling a vendor about yourselves, be sure that you both split up the story so it seems that you’re both equally as invested. Don’t lose eye contact. Laugh at jokes. Have questions prepared and ask just as much as your fiancee. If you both go in to the meeting as equals who are equally invested in the service, you should be included. If you’re not, pick another vendor.

I hope this helps. Congratulations and good luck!

Also, welcome to the Bee!

Post # 30
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

By The Way, here’s a blog that I found very helpful and calming early in the wedding planning process. I don’t necessarily agree with everything Sara writes, and our wedding will look very different–but I found her basic pilosophy about weddings and her no-nonsense attitude very refreshing. I recommend checking out her 2008 posts, oldest first.


Post # 31
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’m gonna be on the outs with this, I’m sure, but…

WHY are you letting her have EVERYTHING about HER?????  This is a day about BOTH of you, not just her.  (Seriously, I’ve seen this come up in other threads and I’m wondering why it’s not being mentioned here….)

A wedding is supposed to be about joining two SINGLE people together into ONE FAMILY.  A joining of two lives.  

That basically means you and she need to sit down and discuss the fact that it isn’t JUST her day, but your’s as well.  (Would you let her decorate EVERY ROOM of your house without SOME input from you????  Without having something that’s “you” as part of the rooms/house????  Same thing, just for a party instead of a house.)

YOU should have some say in what gets done, and not something that only she will like (eg: the 50’s/60’s themed reception).


I assure you, my Fiance has had a hand in everything.  I run ideas by him and if he doesn’t like it, he says so.  If he wants something, he says so and I try to help make it happen (example: he insists on shot glasses for favors.  I said ‘sure, as long as their frosted’.  See, compromise! 😀  Of course, he also is letting me have the candy buffet, but his way, not mine…)

I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t let her do this sort of thing on a day-to-day basis, so why let it slide for the wedding??? (Of course, I could also be wrong!)

good luck!!!!!


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