Post # 32
I’m gonna be on the outs with this, I’m sure, but…
WHY are you letting her have EVERYTHING about HER????? This is a day about BOTH of you, not just her. (Seriously, I’ve seen this come up in other threads and I’m wondering why it’s not being mentioned here….)
A wedding is supposed to be about joining two SINGLE people together into ONE FAMILY. A joining of two lives.
That basically means you and she need to sit down and discuss the fact that it isn’t JUST her day, but your’s as well. (Would you let her decorate EVERY ROOM of your house without SOME input from you???? Without having something that’s “you” as part of the rooms/house???? Same thing, just for a party instead of a house.)
YOU should have some say in what gets done, and not something that only she will like (eg: the 50’s/60’s themed reception).
I assure you, my Fiance has had a hand in everything. I run ideas by him and if he doesn’t like it, he says so. If he wants something, he says so and I try to help make it happen (example: he insists on shot glasses for favors. I said ‘sure, as long as their frosted’. See, compromise! 😀 Of course, he also is letting me have the candy buffet, but his way, not mine…)
I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t let her do this sort of thing on a day-to-day basis, so why let it slide for the wedding??? (Of course, I could also be wrong!)
Post # 33
I am sorry to say I am probably of no help with the best man situation…
As far as vendors go do not let them treat you this way, if you start feeling the conversation directed only at your fiance call them on it and let them know the wedding is for both of you. We are planning a same sex wedding and to make sure the vendors have a solid understanding we are really direct in the e-mail and initial phone conversations about how we are as a couple and how we are planning the wedding. It sets the foundation. If after laying a foundation for the vendor they still treat you differently write them off, there is no reason to have someone disrespectful involved in your wedding.
I love weddingbee but have also found apracticalwedding.com to be a very helpful resource and they try to include a male voice as often as they can which might be helpful for you.
Post # 34
@Grixis857: Hi! Welcome to the Hive! I haven’t read all of the previous responses, so please forgive me if I’m repeating anything you’ve already read.
1) For the best man situation, don’t forget you always have the option of not having one. The could all three have “equal” responsibilities. Otherwise, I would choose your brothers. I always pick family members over friends because, well, they’re family and they have to be there. 🙂 It also seems like they might perform their “duties” better, which will also help your FB relax because she knows stuff is getting done. You could always have your best friend plan the bachelor party, since it sounds like your brothers are older and might not be as interested in that. Just ask him to respect your wishes about no strippers. My Fiance chose his dad as his best man, and I’m pretty sure he’s not going to plan the bachelor party.
2) About the planning – that’s normal!!! Welcome to how women feel at Lowe’s or any other male-centered place. 🙂 Your FB should appreciate that you give your opinions and attend all of those meetings! Maybe she could do more of the planning for the actual ceremony and you could help more with the reception choices: food, music and alcohol – that’s guy territory right there.
3) On the vendors, they really probably think you’re just there because you were dragged along. I would talk to your FB about it and ask her to direct the question back to you if they answer to her just by saying, “well, what do you think about that?” or something just to show that you DO get to help choose.
Post # 35
@Grixis857: I know it can be hard for a bride to relinquish some aspect of wedding planning early on when it all seems exciting, new and fresh. Trust me when I tell you that as the wedding gets closer, she will be happier and happier to have your assistance and input.
Like many of the posters above said, you should get at least one aspect of the wedding (DJ/Band, honeymoon, groom cake, speech, whatever) and run with it. Just tell her that you really want to be involved, then just choose something. Even if you don’t think cakes really float your boat now, you might feel differently once you get into the detials.
Also, here is a great wedding planning website for men: http://www.theplunge.com/
Post # 36
When she started planning this month, I gave FB two options which I considered fair: either she makes all the decisions and does all the work or we are 50/50 partners on both the decisions and the work. She chose the latter. OK.
Oh. And this bit. Here’s where ya screwed up. This either/or approach may be fair-seeming but it’s not realistic. And it’s not fair that you should be expected to drum up excitement over very little things you’ve never thought about in your life. In reality, don’t you want it something like 80/20? Have you been dreaming of your wedding day since you were a little boy? Meh. I bet not. And so you find yourself forcing to get interested in details that we just don’t care about. I’d go back to the drawing board and admit you can’t do this 50/50 partnership thing. Maybe it’s 50/50 on the big decisions. Or it’s 50/50 on the stuff you actually care about…. but centerpeices? Favors? Invitations? Lordy. If women didn’t consume themselves with this stuff it would never get done. Be thankful and let her run, man. And you provide as much labor as possible. Painting. Licking envelopes. Running to the store for more glue sticks.
Here’s some good reading from The Art Of Manliness:
“…some tips that will help you avoid some of the painful parts of wedding planning, and quite possibly eek some fun out of your part of this rite of passage.”
Post # 37
Hi! well here it goes…
1) I think you shouldn’t have a labelled best man, if you really can’t decide. Have one person who will sign your wedding certificate but tell them they are all important to you so you are not giving just one person the job. They are all “best men” in your eyes and can share all responsibilities. If your best friend isn’t great with public speaking don’t put him on the spot. If you haven’t thought of a kissing game maybe do, come up and share a short story about B/G or both and then you and FB will kiss. My brother and SIL did this and it was great. People who normally wouldn’t go up did and it makes for some great stories. They however only had parents of each and themselves do speeches that way it wasn’t too long of a night.
2) Getting involved with wedding planning can be hard, I’m a FB and I often find it hard to get into. My FH has decided he wants me to plan everything except our first dance song (which will be a surprise to me the day of) and what he and his guys are wearing. He has given me some input on other things when I ask questions. We are both into sports so giving him something along the lines of, ok think how we can incorporate that into this..” and he has come up with a lot of good ideas. So maybe if you think about your hobbies/passions and can think of ways to incorporate it into your plans it will get you interested into other aspects of the day.
3) This is extremely rude. I had the same thing but reverse happen to me. We would go talk to vendors and the majority of them would talk to my FH. The venue we went with to book talked to both of us and were genuine. I think that will make a big difference in how our wedding day runs. If I were you I would speak up maybe, “excuse me I would appreciate if you spoke to both of us instead of just my FB” (easier said then done I know) or if you are really put off by it maybe there is someone else at the same place whom you can speak with instead.
Anyway I hope atleast some of this helped and if not sorry. All the best! And congrats on your engagement!!
Post # 38
OMG, i’m so glad you said it because i’ve been thinking this through the whole thread. THIS, x10.
this is NOT all about her. why is it that she gets to veto things you suggest that she doesn’t like, but if you don’t like one of her ideas, you just have to deal with it? are you a 50/50 split of involvement or not?
i think you two need to have a heart-to-heart. i’m sure things ARE great with your relationship, which should make the heart-to-heart easier. it just seems pointless for her to say she wants you involved and then squelch every attempt you make to be involved.
honestly, i think a historical theme to reception would be completely awesome. if she prefers “nostalgia” themes to the hardcore millenia-ago european history stuff, why not compromise and pick something really history, but more romantic, like victorian or something? or maybe more a style that reflects history, rather than history itself, like greek or egyptian?
anyway, just some thoughts and ideas there.
Post # 39
Indeed and thank you to both you and Ryna. I agree, I just don’t see where the room is for the groom in the entire process, and to me that’s rather offensive. Women are no longer “sex slaves” to their husbands on the honeymoon, relationships are increasingly equal and progressive… so I don’t see what the controversy is in suggesting that a wedding should reflect that by making the groom an equal participant in the process… and not being about “the bride’s day” but rather “a day to share ourselves and love for each other”
Post # 40
FB and I were discussing the groom’s cake. She sounded disappointed when I brought it up, because she thought I had no idea that groom’s cakes existed and intended to make it a surprise for me.
Oh well. Anyway, she said she would let me take charge of that, so I am. Having something cool & personal is definitely making it easier for me to deal with the mundane stuff.
So the idea is, we’re going to get D&D miniatures for the groom’s cake, have it set up like it’s a grid. Each of the bridal party members will be represented by a figure. Maybe a few trolls/ogres/beholders on their to fight.
I think that is epic and hilarious, and really do not care about the repercussions whatsoever… it’s a groom’s cake, deal with it people.
It will be funny to surprise my brothers with it, too, since they used to be all into dorky stuff in HS like that (I never actually played the real D&D as I’m younger but they did).
Freakin awesome idea. <Napoleon Dynamite voice>
Post # 41
UGH! Not going as well as planned. She keeps asking me for my thoughts then basically shooting down every idea. Sigh.
I try to be reasonable, she just doesn’t like my tastes. For example, I’m more into rock for the wedding reception… hoping for maybe 20 minutes of it out of the 3 hours worth of dance time. Seems reasonable to me. She is having none of it. FML. I feel so uninvolved.
Post # 42
UGH! I would be ubber pissed if Fiance told me no to something I wanted, especially if it was for 30 minutes of three hours!
I would put my foot down if I were in this situation.
Maybe you could remind her that this is YOUR WEDDING TOO!! And while you are happy that she is getting so invloved in everything, you have opinions too and you want your stuff included in YOUR wedding, and some rock music isn’t that huge of a compromise, and she should compromise!! Afterall, that is a HUGE part of marriage!
Post # 43
OMG. Thank you so much for at least understanding. I’m sorry, this whole situation just upsets me… I feel like if I’m not involved, I’m just going to end up resentful and I tried to express that to Fiance tonight, basically that “this is not the way we want to start.”
The problem is that… I think she GENUINELY believes that she’s open to input, but she isn’t.
Her take on my wedding reception music was that it didn’t “fit” with the rest of the music and that not enough people know the music so they won’t dance to it. Trouble with that is that she thinks if SHE doesn’t know it then few people do… ugh. Tried to explain to her that I could name 10 people that are going to the wedding that know my songs (just off the top of my head, number is larger than 10, though)
My frustration: give me 30 minutes of music I’m into, you control the other 2.5 hours. I’m fine with that. It doesn’t seem unreasonable.
Also even with slow dance songs, like.. I’ll pick a rock song that I KNOW people slow dance to and she’ll tell me “you can’t dance to that”
Honestly.. she’s not so bad but I don’t know what it is with the wedding planning stuff. It really makes me sad that I can’t be more involved. 🙁
But it does make me feel better that at least a couple people understand… thanks.
Post # 44
This may sound kind of evil but maybe you should just ignore the wedding stuff for right now. You have two years to go, and there is going to be many decisions and many changes, especially in her mind. So maybe you just step away from it for a bit, get her to notice that you are not into it. When she asks your opinion, say “up to you”. It will likely piss her off, and you may end up having a fight about it, but maybe that’s what you need to do. When she realises that when she asks your opinion you don’t respond she will get upset and likely say something like “why don’t you help? why don’t you have an opinion? Why aren’t you helping?” You could say “you don’t listen to what I want anyway” YES this will probably cause a fight but maybe then she will realise that you wanted to help but she pushed you aside and ignored your ideas.
I don’t know about your relationship, but sometimes Fiance and I need to fight once in a while in order to actually hear the other person (not yelling or anything, but still a fight). Communication is another thing that is very important in a relationship and she is not hearing you, and you may not be communicating in a way that she is understanding you.
Post # 45
What about asking for specific things you can plan? Like you were doing with the groomscake. So instead of disagreeing over every little detail, kind of just dividing up the tasks. We’ve been trying to do that because wedding planning isn’t really either of our things. And about the vendor thing you posted so long ago, as a bride, it drives me nuts. They do the same thing to my fiance, ignore him and just want to talk to me and I can’t stand it. I have taken to sitting in awkward silence until they actually acknowledge his question or input. Like with the florist, she was asking about boutonnieres and showing me pictures, so I just turned to my fiance and showed him the pictures and let him talk to her, I didn’t say a word. It was actually pretty funny because it was completely awkward for her.