Post # 1
Since I’ve broken up with my ex-fiance, I have naturally been struggling a bit. I am 100% sure that I made the right decision. I have not answered him once or acknowledged his existance since I sent his ring back. His messages go back and forth between apologizing and declaring his love for me and being a total jerk. Ick!Â I always write out responses and never send them because and that seems to really help me. It’s hard to realize that I will probably never speak to him again but I hope to get over that.Â I think it would be clear to him at this point that I have no interest in being with him and that I think he is someone who completely lacks integrity (he does). I hope he stops contacting me altogether soon and I imagine that eventually he will have to if I never talk to him.Â
So, I do feel very lucky to have found out what he was all about before I married him, but I still sometimes remember the positive things about being in a relationship and it hurts to think I won’t have that again. The utter lack of interest that guys show me makes it harder because I feel like that was just it for me and I’ll never get to experience another relationship whether good or bad, and will be alone forever. I know that’s probably irrational. I am not ugly but I am not attractive to men, by my own fault- meaning I have a nice face and all but I am overweight and do not dress very well or wear makeup etc. I’m not interested in dating now but I’d like to know it were even possible. I have been working on myself, my friend took me shopping, I am eating healthy and losing weight. I had a recent serious health problem that wasn’t my fault or weight related that made me realize how much I want to feel healthy. (And btw the jerk has never once asked me if my health is ok! So self-centered!) I’m trying to feel better about myself by being proactive and it is kind of working! I don’t think there’s much else I can do other than focus on myself and gain confidence with time to improve my life but I don’t want to be brought down by that sinking stomach feeling I keep having when I think about my ex.Â
So! The reason I think this is appropriate to post on a wedding website, aside from the fact that I like this community a lot is to ask: For all you bees who are now in great relationships, did you ever feel the way I currently do? A mix of relief and sadness and anger and nausea? And can you share your stories about how you got over it and how much better/different it feels to be with a GOOD man with good ethical standards? I’d like to know they are out there even though I am afraid to get hurt again.Â
It was very cathartic to write this out. The overall tone is not TOO negative which is progress for me! Haha. If anyone is willing to help a girl out with some inspiration, reply here! Sorry for the length and thanks for reading!
Post # 3
I’ve totally been there. I have had two previous, serious relationships that ended up with me feeling horrible when they didn’t work out. What helped me was focusing on me– working out, exceling at work, and developing good friends.
The other thing that helped me was after I moved on enough (about 6 months), I vowed to go on 25 first dates that summer abd signed up on match. My rules were No second date unless I thought I could imagine something long term. No kissing until the second date. No physical contact until the third date. I met my SO on date number 24 and it is wonderful!
Post # 4
Hm, funny how I’ve never considered online dating, it gives me a bad feeling for some reason, but maybe when I’m ready to date I will consider it just to get the experience! Thanks for your response, that does help a lot. 🙂 I think a lot of people have been where I am.
Anyone else here currently happy in their relationship after a disastrous first one? 😛
Post # 5
I think I’m the ultimate thread killer because my threads are suicidal!
Post # 6
About 5yrs ago, I thought I had met my future husband. I had just turned 35 and I was beyond thrilled. Unfortunately the relationship ended after 2yrs w/ me utterly devastated. It took me a good year to even think about dating again but once I decided, I went the online route as well. Although I love Cali, it was quite difficult for to meet like minded ppl in the area I lived in. That’s why I chose the internet. I tried them all, Match.com, Chemistry, and then back to Eharmony(I originally used in my mid 30s when it was first introduced). I met some great guys but few lasted beyond 3 months. My 2nd stint on Eharmony I met my Darling Husband. We met in March 2010, discussed marriage in Sept 2010, moved in Nov 2010 and got married July 2011. We’re both in our 40s so we didn’t heistate when we knew we met our match. We compliment each other and going in the same direction. Although I met some great guys in the past, we often discovered that we just weren’t travelling on the same life road.
I know ppl will tell you to be patient but its true. I took the time after my last break-up to really focus on me, yoga, travelling, and lots of retail shopping. It took me sometime to find my Darling Husband but I was really enjoying not forcing myself to “Find the One”.
Post # 7
I was with someone for more than 5 years and although ending it was one of the hardest things I ever thought I’d do, it was also the best! The process can be rocky, and sometimes you just have to let it suck. You can’t turn your emotions off like a tap, after all. Just remember that you’re doing the best thing for YOU and it WILL get better! 🙂
Post # 8
@uselessknowledge: Yes, I have been there, it was many years ago. But definitely. This will pass!! Promise!
Post # 9
It will get better. Take care of you.
I had a friend tell me at one point that the best way to go through life is to just keep doing what you love to do – and sooner or later, you’ll find someone who loves to do the same thing. I don’t know if that will have the same impact for you, but it did for me.
Also, in terms of recovery… Before my Fiance was Fiance, our relationship had turned pretty toxic. We had a lot of problems and baggage neither of us had worked through. After we split, I thought I was completely “better” – and ended up running into a situation that was worse, with the same problems and more. It took some really hard looks at myself to realize what I was doing.
And then it took time to change. I remember looking at the way I’d chosen to live my life and just feeling devastated, like I had no idea where to start fixing it.
I’m still working on it, years later (FI is Fiance now because over time we both changed enough to start over, something I actually never thought would happen) – but I remember exactly what it was like and have to remind myself to ask regularly “Is this what I want” and “Is this what we said we want” at different points. It’s made a huge difference in my ability to speak up and communicate in our relationship (as often, before, I would just silently fume, which was one of the problems).
I also regularly am reminded about what a good man my Fiance actually is is because he acts on what he says – he doesn’t just say. I look really hard for that, not because I don’t trust him, but because I know what it’s like to be with someone who says one thing and then does another. And seeing Fiance act the opposite way is a constant reminder of why I chose him.
I don’t know if any of this helps or even makes sense without details. In case it doesn’t, here –> *hug*
Post # 10
Absolutely! I think a lot of us have been there. Although we were not engaged, my last relationship was very serious (lived together). I knew in my heart it was not the right relationship for me, but the break up was still heart breaking. We had, in some ways, built a life together. It took years to get used to the idea that I would never see or talk to him again. Right now I am so so so so happy that I put up with the pain of breaking up (it would have been easier to go back) because I’m going to marry my best friend! I got through my break up by reading several self-help books. It was embarrassing, but I found them surprisingly helpful. My favorite (not break-up related but empowering) was The Single Girl’s Mainfesta. I recommend checking out what Amazon has to offer (be sure to read the reviews) and purchasing a couple you identify with. Some of the books I got sped up the healing process.
Post # 11
Another shout out for online dating! I know 4 (happily!) married couples who met online. It’s a great way to get back in the dating waters with the emotional safety net of hiding behind a computer screen. My college roommate has met a lot of wonderful guys on OKCupid (it’s free). She’s a commitment phob, but if she weren’t they’d be keepers! 🙂
My mom always used to say “there is someone for everyone”. I truly, truly believe that.
Post # 12
I was in a very serious 5 year relationship (engaged), we broke up and it was devastating. However, 3 years later I am now engaged to the most amazing man and have the best life ever! 🙂 By The Way I met Fiance online.
Post # 13
@uselessknowledge: I understand, I broke off my engagement this past summer. I have had men interested in me but nothing serious. I have taken the time to enjoy my family and to gain perspective. I have no regrets about leaving and I am happy with my decision. Take your time dear, there is no rush. As long as you have a vajayjay,you are kind and love yourself you will find a man that is attracted to you. That should be the least of your concerns. Good luck:0)
Post # 14
I have been there before and there is a light at the end of the dating tunnel. I’ll tell you the little story of me, my ex, and my amazing boyfriend now.
Before I met my boyfriend I was with my ex, who could go from being the most amazing guy ever to a complete jerk in 2.0 seconds. He was my first love and I was head over heels in love with him, but he left me for another girl. For almost 2.5 years I pined over him remembering the good times mostly. Last year he asked for me back when my boyfriend and I broke up temporarily due to me going insane from being in a LDR. I almost said yes, but at the last minute remembered all the bad things and told him I couldn’t do it. Instantly I became a “slut, whore, and bitch” again to him. Luckily my boyfriend and I patched things up though and I moved in with him a few months later. Best decision ever since I’ve never been happier in a relationship and I truly want to marry my boyfriend. No doubts in my mind this time around, he’s it. He never belittles me, he puts me and us first in everything, and he doesn’t try to change me all the time. He’s happy with who I am and wants to be with me because he truly loves me and not the me he thinks he can change me into.
So my point is, you will find someone else. Work on yourself, don’t settle for less than you want and deserve, and a good love will find you.
Post # 15
The day after I broke up with the man I thought I would spend my life with I met my now Fiance. I had spent six years with my ex and thought that he was the one. Now I know just how wrong I was. Reltionships end for a reason, I am a firm beiver in that, and honestly if I hadn’t spent 6 years with my ex I would have never met the man of my dreams, my now Fiance.
Post # 16
Thank you all for sharing! It helps to feel like I’m not alone in this and that a lot of you are very happy now! I am certain that I can meet a better man, because that just isn’t hard to do, but who knows when or how. Based on these sorties, looks like I’ll have to consider taking a look at online when I’m ready if I can’t seem to meet anyone organically.
The jerk accused me of cheating on him (he was living a double-life with another girlfriend who knew about me- projection much?) in a recent text he sent me an I was furious but again, I didn’t respond and will not. I am glad this person is not in my life, and I hope I’ll find someone who actually respects me someday. Guys just seem to suck in general right now. I don’t feel as if there are any honest ones!
I’ve lost 10 pounds and still going. I’ve been feeling better and I won’t let him bring me down. Many of you brought up a good point: I really understand the need to happy with yourself before dating. When I met him I was at a very low point and wasn’t ready to date but I felt I was getting to an age where it was time to start. But I really think I wouldn’t have considered dating him had I been in a good place. Since I’m now just starting to heal physically and emotionally, I’ll wait it out.
If anyone else has anything to share, please do! Thanks. 🙂