(Closed) Help!! About to call the wedding off…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I am sorry you are so stressed out. I am not Catholic, but I do know that they have a lot of specific requirements that have to be in place and practiced, prior to any wedding taking place. I know you want to have your wedding at a place just two hours away, but if it were me, I would want to have the wedding as close to as many potential guests as possible. Two hours is a long way to drive, if there is going to be any drinking. Not everyone will be able to afford to pay for some place to stay, so I think I would let them win this one. Something else to consider, who is paying for the wedding. Whoever is paying for the wedding usually has more of say as to how things will proceed. You need to decide if your relationship is worth working through or not. I suggest getting out a pen and paper and writing a list of the good things and bad things about your relationship. Just fold the paper in half lengthwise and labe one side good and the other bad. Also, try to talk to your Fiance when you are both relaxed and try to see things from his side, and hopefully he will try to see things from your side. Keep your tone soft and your voice calm and you should be able to have a decent conversation with him. If he starts to yell, just tell him you are going to have to end the conversation and talk to him later when he calms down. You may have to hang up on him or walk out of the room, but the two of you will get nowhere, if you get into a yelling match.

Post # 6
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Personally, I find it rude that it is all about *HIS* family. Your family will be travelling a LOT farther than 2 hours to get to your wedding. I feel like they are being ridiculous, and so is he. I’m hoping it’s more that he would rather appease his mother than fight with her as far as letting her run the show? And for the record, no, from what you have posted, you are not being a bitch.

I honestly don’t know what I would do in this situation, but for one thing I would wait and have this major conversation in person with your Fiance. Things get misconstrued over the phone, email, etc, and that could be contributing to your disagreements. Maybe he genuinely doesn’t understand why you wouldn’t want mama-dearest to run the show or why you would want a place 2 hours away. There has got to be a compromise and it is up to YOU and Fiance, not FILS.

You should not have to be unhappy with planning your wedding. And personally, I think if you don’t stand up to your in-laws now they will run your life forever…because they will think that they can. Your Fiance needs to realllly learn that when he marries you he is saying that you are most important and that the two of you are the family unit from then on out. It sounds like he has a hard time standing up to his mom and he doesn’t even get how this could be seen as unfair to you. :/

Post # 7
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I dont think your being a b**&h at all! You and your FH are getting married. Not him and his family!

I know that families get excited about weddings and sometimes can go a little far with putting their opinion in, but at the end of the day you are the ones getting married, you only do it once and if it was me I wouldnt compromise on the big things!

You have already agreed to have the ceremony in a church, because its something that would mean a lot to his family.. that is lovely πŸ™‚ And also having the wedding close to his family, again.. lovely πŸ™‚ But what about what you want?

Maybe (if this is possible) you and your fiance should meet up for a weekend away, or have him come and visit you πŸ™‚ Maybe then that would remind him of why you are getting married in the first place.. because you love eachother πŸ™‚ And you will have a chance to talk it all through in person with no influence from family and friends etc. And you can work things out πŸ™‚

In my opinion, and its just my opinion, just because people put money into something it doesnt give them the right to be able to control things. 

We booked our wedding in QLD (australia) about a 2hr flight from where we live last year. We wanted to get married on a nice beach and have a relaxing wedding, but my partners family cracked it and made it hell. So we cancelled it and planned to have it in our home state.

Once we started planning it closer to home we realised that no matter what we did, or where we chose, it just wasnt going to suit them or make them happy. So we decided to fly to Fiji to get married.. a whole other country about 5 1/2 hours away πŸ˜›

You cant please everyone all the time, look out for you and your partner first. In the end his family should be happy that you are both happy and that should be all that counts!

And a 2 hours drive wont kill them! Maybe you could make a weekend event out of it, with a rehersal dinner the night before and a day after bbq?

Post # 8
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Sorry you’re going through this. We were in a somewhat similiar situation. My family lives in the US (mostly TX), we live in Sweden, and got married in Italy. We actually chose Italy because I have a really large family that loves family get-togethers, Darling Husband has a tiny family and has cousins that he hadn’t seen in close to 20 yrs. I knew if we had the wedding in TX I would have 200+ guests and Darling Husband would have 10 and no one would want to spend their summer traveling to Sweden. Darling Husband parents have a house in Italy and we thought this would be somewhat of a neutral spot (even though it was  a bit easier for all the European guests).

So my point here is it might be best to pick a neutral spot. But like PP said, it really depends on who is paying ultimately.

I know how stressful it gets and I’m sorry your Fiance is getting mad…my Darling Husband and I had a few blow out fights during the planning process and I wondered if it was worth it (not marrying him, but having the wedding in Italy). At times I felt that we were just doing it to please his parents and I wasn’t going to have the big wedding with all the people I grew up with around me. Not many of my closest friends were able to make it due to various reasons (pregnancy, money, etc). There were definitely times I wanted to say f* it all and I’m going to have my big TX wedding and his guests can make an effort but in the end the day was about us and special experience for everyone coming. His mom was having to do a lot of the contact with vendors because they only spoke Italian and it drove me nuts not to have control over anything. 

As for the Catholic aspect of it, it is not against the Church to live together before the wedding, it is against the Church to have sex before marriage. They view living together as putting yourself in temptations way, but there is no rule against living together. Darling Husband and I lived together for 2 years before marrying, we told the deacon that led our pre cana classes and we told the priest that married us…was not a problem.

I know this post is kind of disjointed (I could never be a blogger!) but I think what you are going through is somewhat normal when dealing with different families and different locations. Maybe he could feel out some of his other family (not through his mom) and see what they think about traveling to NC (maybe your neutral spot) and he might be surprised at how many want to have a mini-vacation. Sorry I don’t have any advice on your feelings about calling it off, that is ultimately up to you. Hopefully the rest of this gives you an idea of what I went through and Darling Husband and I are happily married now.

Post # 9
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

You should have your wedding where both you and your Fiance agree to have it, if you and him are paying for the wedding. But you both have to be able to have a good conversation on what is important to the two of you. Whoever pays the most usually has more say because they hold the purse strings. If you want to have your wedding some place, you need to let him and them know why; maybe the list thing would work for that? Maybe it would be less expensive to have it there and you could include more of his family that way? Maybe it is closer or halfway inbetween the majority of where the guests live? Would you be providing transportation for those that would be drinking? Do his parents and him have valid reasons for wanting the other place that you don’t want? Is there any way that you could decorate that place with the theme that you want? There are a lot of things to consider. I just really think that you need to sit down with your Fiance and have a serious talk about everything. Try to make a list of everything that you would like for the wedding and have him make one too. Then see if anything matches, and then each of you pick your top 3. That would at least be a starting point. It just seems to me, like there are some communication issues that need to be worked out.

Post # 10
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

You should probably tell your Fiance and his family that the traditional wedding location is where the bride’s family lives and not the groom’s. With so many people moving farther from their families these days it can become a logistical nightmare so neither side feels slighted, and even more complicated if the two of you are in a third location. In your case, you seem to be way more accommodating to him than he is to you, so I’d have to have a serious talk about it with him and suggest a half way location so BOTH families have to travel. Seems only fair to me. I think NC might be a perfect compromise!

You may have some angst when planning your wedding, but you shouldn’t be totally unhappy. What good can come from that except to drive you farther away from each other? His Mother has to get over worrying solely about her convenience and think logically through all this before taking over without your approval. Speak up and stand up for yourself. This is YOUR wedding.

Post # 11
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Well dont call off the wedding πŸ™‚ ahh catholic big families, i know all about that. my Fiance is one of 13 kids and comes from a super duper catholic family. I grew up catholic so a catholic wedding it is! I dont think the church will not marry you because you live together, most priests will work with you, they are more understanding these days. My FI’s uncle is a catholic priest and will be marrying us, we dont “officially” live togher but im there alot, his uncle is totally cool and understands that things happen and as long as we are committed to each other and the church and raising our children catholic than he is fine with marrying us!

Like i said his family is HUGE! he is one of 13 kids and his mom is one of 15 and his dad is one 12 so you can imagine how bit his extended family is (76 grandchildren) Most of his family is up in Mass. my immediate family is in NC and his immediate family is in SC so we chose to stay here in Charlotte for the wedding everyone else is going to have to get over the travel part. People (especially family) expect to travel for weddings.

Go with your heart! this is your day!

oh I Live in NC!!! you will love it here! where are you moving to?

Post # 12
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Um, I don’t want to cause trouble but I do think your fiance’ and his family are being quite selfish.  I think its pretty outrageous that its just fine for your family to travel from Texas to NY to attend your wedding but out of the question for his family to travel two hours.  Sheesh.

Post # 13
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

On Another note i agree with alot of the above posters, the wedding usually happens where the brides family lives or where the couple WANTS to get married. My Future Sister-In-Law got married in August, her Parents live in SC…she lives in DC and like i said in my other post alot of his family is up north Mass, New Husband, PA..some in florida, and his whole family was from California….so seeing as her parents (my future in laws!) were paying for the wedding they held it in SC. She planned from DC…and pretty much every guest had to travel…it can be done!

Post # 14
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I havent read any of the other posts but I am sure the girls have said the same thing i have.

1. its YOUR day (and your FI)

2. It YOUR day πŸ™‚

I had my wedding in Vancouver, it was a half way point between his family in Calgary and my family up north. His parents live here though and my parents were a little upset that the wedding didnt take place in my hometown….

I tried to please everyone while planning, I had the wedding in a church (even though i had another location picked out) and did a ton of other things “opposite” to what I wanted…and like your future family, my future family was just “nice” and suggestive of what needed to happen.

I look back now and wish i had just done it my way! Dont get me wrong, I loved me wedding and did a ton of things they didnt afree with  (like booze and dancing and moving in with my Darling Husband before we were married) but it was HARD.

You need to cut his family out of the wedding planning until YOU and your HUSBAND decide what you want and then incorporate them in it. Will they be upset, yes, will they be hurt yes and maybe even angry. But the day will come around and it will all be forgotten…they WILL show up at the wedding, they WILL have fun and they WILL forget about how they were little crank pots planning YOUR day before.

Put your feet into the ground and hold steady. This is a battle bw you and your Fiance and you guys need to figure out what to do first.

 

*hugs*

Post # 15
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Personally — I dont think this is any reason to call off the wedding.  I struggled with this a bit too.  My family is about two hours away from his…we live near his family.

It is easier to only make one family travel and it only makes sense that since your small family lives all over the U.S. to have them travel since they will travel no matter what.  I know it is hard to ask anyone to do this because of the expense but it just makes sense to only put one side out rather than both.  That being said – if people are going to drink at your wedding you probably dont want them driving two hours home.  If you had a wedding two hours away – many of the new yorkers would think about getting a hotel room, meaning it is basically a destination wedding for everyone and expensive for everyone…. I do see your point though- if half of his family lives in the area where you plan to marry then what is the problem?? 

His family should not tell you where to have the wedding and reception… just because they are helping you so much since neither of you live in the area does not mean they can push their ideas on you!! Stay strong!

My mother disagreed with my wedding location — so I sold it to her.  I gave her my vision and told her the atmosphere I wanted and put her worries to rest!!

If I were you, I would try to sell that location on them.  Tell them it is convenient for half of the family, you made a comprimise by getting married in New York.  And explain to them why you love this venue!

Post # 16
Member
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I definitely don’t think this is any reason to call off the wedding! Have you thought about a destination wedding? If most of your family is going to be traveling anyway, it might be fun for everyone to take a little vacation together. Neutral ground could be your best friend. Its totally unfair for you to plan a wedding around anyone but you and him. Do what makes the 2 of you happy.

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