Post # 1
I am just at a complete loss with my finacee’s family at the moment. We having two looming problems that I just do not know how to handle. The first issue, like most people revolve around alcohol. I am fine with providing a few drinks (my number is 3 drinks max per person). I am afraid of people getting out of control. Mainly because my future Mother in law said that there are people who like to get wasted and strip! I would hope this would not happen, but with what I have seen I am completely unsure. Thus, the three drink rule. I do not want a frat party. I do not want people leaving drunk from our wedding and causing major issues, since my fiancée is a very public figure and we can be held legally liable for anything they cause while intoxicated.So, we came up with a system to only allow three drinks per person. Now, his mother wants to give her and his father’s tokens to the very people who she said would be out of control! The same people who have demanded us to provide them with specific brands of alcohol (which we refused)! Now we have to hire bartenders to go down a checklist to insure there will only be three drinks per person served! Now, everyone is making me look like the bad guy! Am I wrong for this?
The second issue is his sister. She has been publicly cheating on her husband for almost a year now. She even had a pregnancy scare earlier this year and her husband has had a vasectomy. She has been stringing him along by going to counseling so that she can continue to live financially the life she is used to. Also, she has told everyone including myself, my fiancée and their mother, that she hates being a mom and doesn’t care about her kids.Even publically admitted to cursing at them with the worst possible words when they “get on her nerves”. Her children are six and two. A week ago she openly began bringing her new boyfriend around the family, knowing it would get back to her husband who has been going to marriage counseling with her in hopes they could work things out. He, of course, had no clue she had yet another boyfriend. She also, has been bringing her children around this new guy, since he wants kids and acting like mother of the year only when he is around. Both of her children are in our wedding as well as her husband. Now, she wants to bring her new boyfriend to our wedding! My fiancée is so upset he is just sick over it and has publically disowned her. However, his parents are encouraging us to allow it! The same people who defended her husband and said that they were no his side. They keep saying this new boyfriend is a good guy, etc. Her husband is a wonderful person and great father. My fiancée really considers him a brother. I personally have seen the effects of adultery on a family. I cannot stand cheating. It makes me physically ill because of my personal experiences with adultery. She is not legally separated from her husband and refuses to file for divorce. So, this is blatant adultery. She has publically disrespected me on numerous occasions and openly states that she does not like me. Now, she is demanding to bring her boyfriend in front of her current husband and children and if she is not allowed will not allow her children to participate. His niece is so excited about being a flower girl and I know this will really hurt her. But, I simply can not allow her to bring him. I just don’t feel as if I should be forced to compromise my moral beliefs at my wedding! I don’t want someone to openly flautant adultery at my marriage ceremony and make a mockery of our scared vows. Since my fiancée and I are paying for the entire wedding ourselves, I feel as though no one should have a say other than us. We both informed his parents and his sister of our feelings. Now, it is being said it will happen regardless. Our response has been, if our wishes are disrespected both parties will be asked to leave and not return. I also expressed, if they do not comply I will leave the wedding myself and her, her boyfriend, and his parents can assume half of the wedding costs. Am I wrong not to allow this? His family is acting like I am the worst person to ever walk the earth over this and the alcohol issue. What can I do?
Post # 3
Sorry, that’s probably not helpful. I wish I had more to offer – at a bit of a loss with these. Yikes.
Post # 4
1. I think your way of handling the alcohol situation – having a checklist – is really in poor taste. It is up to the bartenders to cut people off when they have had too much and really shouldn’t be of your concern. YOu can also hire a police officer or “bouncer” to make sure people who get out of hand are removed.
The token thing is typically used as a budget tool not as a cutting people off from drinking tool. 21+ adults are legally able to consume alcohol in whatever quantity they would like (until they get drunk which is public intoxication and illegal) For some, that is 1 drink for others it may be 6 or 7. I think you need to trust that people aren’t going to start stripping at your wedding – if you think these people would behave like this I’m not sure why they would be invited in the first place.
2. Your SIL relationship with her husband and her infidelity are none of your business. However, I think it’s appropriate to say she cannot bring her boyfriend. If she pulls the kids out, oh well – seems like a much better, less dramatic solution than the alternative.
Post # 5
I wanted to elope. But my fiancée wanted the big wedding. I don’t want to have a list and check people off, I wish I could not invite them, but it is his family and I have witnessed them becoming out of control. We tried just stating the amount of drinks per person we were providing and were berated over and over for not having an open bar. This happened at his sister’s wedding, and his uncle did strip. 🙁 We thought of the tokens, then were told that everyone not drinking would give their tokens to the very people who think three drinks are not enough! All the whlie, also having to argue over the selections of beverages being provided. I tried saying no alcohol would be provided, but was told if it was not provided they would BYOB to the wedding. Which I feel is rude and tacky. This is also their solution for the limited supply. I am afraid of drunk driving and someone getting hurt. We barely have the money to cover the cost of alcohol provided and certainly cannot afford to be sued if they hurt or kill someone. Nor, do I want people acting a fool at my wedding. I was raised with strict traditional southern values and in cotilian and would be mortified if any of this were at my wedding. I do not want to end up regretting my decision to go ahead with a wedding.
I agree that his sister’s marriage is not my business. I have stayed out of it and have neversaid anything about it. I just do not want her to use my wedding at hercatalyst to introduce her boyfriend with her husband and children there. I feel that it is rude and tacky to demand I allow it. Especially at my wedding and how I personally view adultery. I feel as though, politely asking for it to not happen at our wedding was enough. But, now being told it will happen regardless, I do not know what to do. Other than leave my own wedding if it does. Or ask her and her boyfriend to leave.
Post # 6
I’ve got to agree with @MrsWBS: that the drink checklist will come off as rude. Please do not do this. People will be offended and it will be the only thing they remember about your wedding. The fact of the matter is, if people want to drink, they will find a way. Either they’ll bring a flask or tailgate in the parking lot or get someone to get a drink for them and then hand it over. There is nothing you can do to prevent this. The best you can do is have a system in place to remove the offenders if they do become out of control or start stripping. Maybe you have to invite them, but you certainly don’t have to let them stay at your reception once they start taking their clothes off! I think the tokens idea will be just fine if you want to save money, and if your in-laws give all their tickets to Drunky the Naked Uncle, then so be it — hopefully he keeps his clothes on this time.
As for the Future Sister-In-Law, I completely agree with you that open adultery has no place at a wedding. I would also feel sick thinking about her sitting in the audience with her boyfriend while her husband is in the same room. Disgusting. Under no circumstances do you need to allow the boyfriend at your wedding, even if that means the children don’t get to participate.
Post # 7
Maybe the thing to do is hire some private security and give them strict instructions to look out for
– intoxication and impending removal of clothing, and
– persona non grata.
You can rest easy knowing that you’ve done the responsible thing and that someone else will have to do the dirty work if things get out of hand. Simply knowing that there is a security apparatus in place would hopefully deter exactly these behaviors you’re worried about.
There! I feel like at least that was a more useful contribution to the discussion than my earlier post.
Post # 8
I say let the alcohol thing go.
You do not have to condone adultery.
Post # 9
I can’t comment on the sister stuff….it seems like a mess of drama and I would just stay out of it as much as possible or you will be marked as the bad guy. I would leave it up to your Fiance and his parents. I understand your concerns with cheating, but no one is supportive of those relationships…. so that is hard…
Personally I would be offended by being cut off after three drinks, a way around that is do your tokens, and then everyone is on there own if they want additional drinks. Just don’t share that information before hand and the problematic members won’t bring their own supply.
Just a thought, but good luck and I’m sorry you have to worry about all of this!
Post # 10
Thanks guys! I appreciate the advice on the alcohol. I am sure that we could find someone to act as security. Oddly enough I did not think of this. I think that this would make me feel better about the situation without being tacky or rude.
I also appreciated others seeing my option on the sister situation I just hope, we do not have to ask her to leave the wedding. I hope she could be adult enough and respectful enough not to do to bring her boyfriend to our wedding. I mean, she is 31, this should be common courtesy and common sense I would think.
Post # 11
About booze: say you’re doing an open bar, but the venue does not allow you to do so without security and their bartenders being able to cut people off since they’ll be liable. Go ahead and put off some blame. 🙂
As for his sister… geez. Definitely don’t invite the boyfriend and make it clear he isn’t welcome. Invite Mr. and Mrs. and that’s it. If you want to bring your boyfriend – divorce your husband and you can each have a +1. That’s not too much to ask at a wedding.
Post # 12
On the second topic, you simply have to draw a line in the sand and be clear that the boyfriend is not on the guest list and is not expected to show up, period. The sister will have to choose if she will show up alone/with her kids or not show up at all. Don’t say more than that— you and your kids are on the guest list but boyfriend is not, and that’s it.
On the bar– as a guest I would find this really irritating, and I think it’s not fair that you have to restrict the behavior of many on the basis of the inability of a few to control their drinking. If I were your guest and I were given drink tokens or had my name on a checklist and were effectively cut off halfway through the event, I’d have a very bitter taste in my mouth. Your best way to handle this is to sit down with the potential misbehavers and explain that you will not tolerate drunkenness and bad behavior from anyone. Then just have a normal open bar. Most folks know how to self-regulate. Don’t treat the normal folks like drunken idiots!
Post # 13
Have you considered not having alcohol at all? Or perhaps doing just two rounds of a champagne toast? Could you have servers bring out a bottle of wine per table with dinner? Sorry, I’m trying to think of a way to avoid “the list.” The other option would be to give pictures to the bartender of the individuals to “cut off” after 3 drinks if it is just a few. Honestly, with the risks and how passionately you feel about it, I would consider eliminating the bar. You don’t want to spend your whole reception noticing and having to babysit people who are too immature to manage their consumption!
As for the other issue– I think it’s time to stop negotiating with your in-laws. Show a united front, say “No. This is the decision WE have made. It is not up for discussion” and refuse to communicate any further about it. If your Future Sister-In-Law is willing to break her daughter’s heart by pulling her from the wedding, than so be it. It’s better than competely humiliating the husband and you and your Fiance by showcasing adultery at a wedding. Just my opinion.
The whole situation is absolutely ridiculous– I’m sorry you’re going through this OP!!
Post # 14
If I were invited to a wedding with a 3 drink checklist limit, I would just bring a mickey of vodka in my purse. Truly, what you’re proposing as a solution is rude, offensive and simply just won’t work. Far better to instruct the bartenders not to overserve to visibly drunk guests and to hire security to “bounce” any guests who start behaving inappropriately before they get naked, not to mention having security there to remove uninvited & unwanted guests (I’ll get to that in my next paragraph). As for the drunk driving/intoxication issue – check with your venue to see if this is covered as part of your catering & staffing contract – it might be that the bartenders are responsible for not over-serving).
As for the SIL adultery issue – talk to the BIL and see if you can enlist him to attend with his children (ie exclude SIL and boyfriend) so they can still participate in the wedding. If that’s not possible, then tell SIL in clear terms – “YOU are invited to the wedding, but your boyfriend is not. If that means you will punish your innocent children by denying them participation in my wedding in an attempt to manipulate me, then it’s your choice to do so, but I will NOT be blackmailed into allowing a known homewrecker to taint MY matrimony. If you lie to me and bring him anyway, BOTH of you will be asked to leave.” (another good reason to have security on hand).
If you have any written record of SIL admitting she verbally abuses her children – pass it along to BIL. Now that her affair is out in the open, he may very well choose to file for divorce and evidence of abuse could really assist him in obtaining sole custody of the children. My heart breaks for those poor kids.
Post # 15
Yeah. I hate it too..
The venue does not have a bar, we have to provide the alcohol ourselves and can really afford only three drinks per person. Beer and wine. I would have neither, but I don’t really mind as long as everyone can behave.
Post # 16
@FutureMrsSeward: I say keep the limit if these people are know to get drunk and disorderly. You mentioned you can be held legally liable for anything they cause while intoxicated. If this is a way to protech yourselves i say stick to it.
About the sister, if she wants to flaunt her infidelity to the entire guest in front of her still current husband, to hell with her let her do it. It is going to be hard, but try to block this issue from your thoughts. Some of us women are rule by our emotions; she might become vindictive and pull the kids out of the wedding, just as she threatened to. In the end, she WILL tell those kids it is your entire fault they did not get to take part.