(Closed) Help, Am I Going To Start a Family Fued?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

Elope?

Sorry, that’s probably not helpful. I wish I had more to offer – at a bit of a loss with these. Yikes.

Post # 4
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

1. I think your way of handling the alcohol situation – having a checklist – is really in poor taste.  It is up to the bartenders to cut people off when they have had too much and really shouldn’t be of your concern.  YOu can also hire a police officer or “bouncer” to make sure people who get out of hand are removed. 

The token thing is typically used as a budget tool not as a cutting people off from drinking tool.  21+ adults are legally able to consume alcohol in whatever quantity they  would like (until they get drunk which is public intoxication and illegal) For some, that is 1 drink for others it may be 6 or 7.  I think you need to trust that people aren’t going to start stripping at your wedding – if you think these people would behave like this I’m not sure why they would be invited in the first place.

 

2.  Your SIL relationship with her husband and her infidelity are none of your business.  However, I think it’s appropriate to say she cannot bring her boyfriend.  If she pulls the kids out, oh well – seems like a much better, less dramatic solution than the alternative.

 

Good luck

Post # 6
Member
4415 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’ve got to agree with @MrsWBS: that the drink checklist will come off as rude. Please do not do this. People will be offended and it will be the only thing they remember about your wedding. The fact of the matter is, if people want to drink, they will find a way. Either they’ll bring a flask or tailgate in the parking lot or get someone to get a drink for them and then hand it over.  There is nothing you can do to prevent this. The best you can do is have a system in place to remove the offenders if they do become out of control or start stripping. Maybe you have to invite them, but you certainly don’t have to let them stay at your reception once they start taking their clothes off! I think the tokens idea will be just fine if you want to save money, and if your in-laws give all their tickets to Drunky the Naked Uncle, then so be it — hopefully he keeps his clothes on this time.

As for the Future Sister-In-Law, I completely agree with you that open adultery has no place at a wedding. I would also feel sick thinking about her sitting in the audience with her boyfriend while her husband is in the same room. Disgusting. Under no circumstances do you need to allow the boyfriend at your wedding, even if that means the children don’t get to participate.

Post # 7
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

Maybe the thing to do is hire some private security and give them strict instructions to look out for

– intoxication and impending removal of clothing, and

persona non grata.

You can rest easy knowing that you’ve done the responsible thing and that someone else will have to do the dirty work if things get out of hand. Simply knowing that there is a security apparatus in place would hopefully deter exactly these behaviors you’re worried about.

There! I feel like at least that was a more useful contribution to the discussion than my earlier post.

Post # 8
Member
7524 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I say let the alcohol thing go. 

You do not have to condone adultery.

Post # 9
Member
575 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I can’t comment on the sister stuff….it seems like a mess of drama and I would just stay out of it as much as possible or you will be marked as the bad guy. I would leave it up to your Fiance and his parents. I understand your concerns with cheating, but no one is supportive of those relationships…. so that is hard…

 

Personally I would be offended by being cut off after three drinks, a way around that is do your tokens, and then everyone is on there own if they want additional drinks. Just don’t share that information before hand and the problematic members won’t bring their own supply. 

Just a thought, but good luck and I’m sorry you have to worry about all of this!

Post # 11
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

About booze:  say you’re doing an open bar, but the venue does not allow you to do so without security and their bartenders being able to cut people off since they’ll be liable.  Go ahead and put off some blame.  🙂 

As for his sister… geez.  Definitely don’t invite the boyfriend and make it clear he isn’t welcome.  Invite Mr. and Mrs. and that’s it.  If you want to bring your boyfriend – divorce your husband and you can each have a +1.  That’s not too much to ask at a wedding. 

Post # 12
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

On the second topic, you simply have to draw a line in the sand and be clear that the boyfriend is not on the guest list and is not expected to show up, period. The sister will have to choose if she will show up alone/with her kids or not show up at all. Don’t say more than that— you and your kids are on the guest list but boyfriend is not, and that’s it.

On the bar– as a guest I would find this really irritating, and I think it’s not fair that you have to restrict the behavior of many on the basis of the inability of a few to control their drinking. If I were your guest and I were given drink tokens or had my name on a checklist and were effectively cut off halfway through the event, I’d have a very bitter taste in my mouth.  Your best way to handle this is to sit down with the potential misbehavers and explain that you will not tolerate drunkenness and bad behavior from anyone.  Then just have a normal open bar. Most folks know how to self-regulate. Don’t treat the normal folks like drunken idiots!

Post # 13
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Have you considered not having alcohol at all? Or perhaps doing just two rounds of a champagne toast? Could you have servers bring out a bottle of wine per table with dinner? Sorry, I’m trying to think of a way to avoid “the list.” The other option would be to give pictures to the bartender of the individuals to “cut off” after 3 drinks if it is just a few. Honestly, with the risks and how passionately you feel about it, I would consider eliminating the bar. You don’t want to spend your whole reception noticing and having to babysit people who are too immature to manage their consumption!

As for the other issue– I think it’s time to stop negotiating with your in-laws. Show a united front, say “No. This is the decision WE have made. It is not up for discussion” and refuse to communicate any further about it. If your Future Sister-In-Law is willing to break her daughter’s heart by pulling her from the wedding, than so be it. It’s better than competely humiliating the husband and you and your Fiance by showcasing adultery at a wedding. Just my opinion.

The whole situation is absolutely ridiculous– I’m sorry you’re going through this OP!!

Post # 14
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

If I were invited to a wedding with a 3 drink checklist limit, I would just bring a mickey of vodka in my purse.  Truly, what you’re proposing as a solution is rude, offensive and simply just won’t work.  Far better to instruct the bartenders not to overserve to visibly drunk guests and to hire security to “bounce” any guests who start behaving inappropriately before they get naked, not to mention having security there to remove uninvited & unwanted guests (I’ll get to that in my next paragraph).  As for the drunk driving/intoxication issue – check with your venue to see if this is covered as part of your catering & staffing contract – it might be that the bartenders are responsible for not over-serving).

As for the SIL adultery issue – talk to the Brother-In-Law and see if you can enlist him to attend with his children (ie exclude SIL and boyfriend) so they can still participate in the wedding. If that’s not possible, then tell SIL in clear terms – “YOU are invited to the wedding, but your boyfriend is not. If that means you will punish your innocent children by denying them participation in my wedding in an attempt to manipulate me, then it’s your choice to do so, but I will NOT be blackmailed into allowing a known homewrecker to taint MY matrimony.  If you lie to me and bring him anyway, BOTH of you will be asked to leave.”  (another good reason to have security on hand).

If you have any written record of SIL admitting she verbally abuses her children – pass it along to Brother-In-Law.  Now that her affair is out in the open, he may very well choose to file for divorce and evidence of abuse could really assist him in obtaining sole custody of the children.  My heart breaks for those poor kids.

Post # 16
Member
386 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@FutureMrsSeward:  I say keep the limit if these people are know to get drunk and disorderly. You mentioned you can be held legally liable for anything they cause while intoxicated. If this is a way to protech yourselves i say stick to it.

About the sister, if she wants to flaunt her infidelity to the entire guest in front of her still current husband, to hell with her let her do it. It is going to be hard, but try to block this issue from your thoughts.  Some of us women are rule by our emotions; she might become vindictive and pull the kids out of the wedding, just as she threatened to.  In the end, she WILL tell those kids it is your entire fault they did not get to take part.

 

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