Post # 1
My fiancee and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, engaged for 1 1/2. He is a member of the Army National Guard, and when he re-enlisted in March of this year we knew there was a very real possibility that he would be deployed. After talking about it, he decided that it was best for him to re-enlist, to get the continued assistance with his school. We also decided that if he got deployed, we would get married before he left. We found out in July that his unit is being deployed, the date has been moved up 3 times and now stands April-May of next year for a 1 year tour in Afghanistan. He jut got called yesterday that he has to report in 2 weeks for 3 month training, 18 hours away. He now says he isn’t ready to get married, and he knows he won’t be before he leaves. I don’t know what to think, I am 28 and he is 25, so I understand that age is probably part of it, but I feel like he is changing the plans that we both agreed too, and now wants me to wait a couple years to get married. If he weren’t deploying, I probably wouldn’t be that concerned, but with him being gone, and being in danger, it would make me feel more secure if we were married. Also, he is losing $1200 per month in additional pay by not being married, and I am spending 5k a year on medical bills which I wouldn’t have to pay if covered under his insurance. I don’t think we should get married for the money, but I don’t understand why the sudden change, and all he can tell me is he isn’t ready, and doesn’t know why. Anyone have any advice?
Post # 3
Not knowing either of you, and only having the information you’ve shared, my guess would be that the reality of his being deployed has really begun to sink in, and he is having a hard time imagining all of the major changes his own life is about to go through. He may not even be able to wrap his brain around having to think about being responsible for a wife, and, potentially, a family, while he is facing potentially very dangerous situations for the forseeable future.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Lay out the costs of not being married with the benefits of being married in front of him. Also, remind him that if he goes overseas and gets killed then you would have no rights (or death benefits) since you’re not married. You aren’t looking to cash in but you do seem to have your interests tied up with him to the point that if he does get killed overseas, your interests would be damaged.
Maybe he doesn’t feel secure in the relationship or he doesn’t like the idea of a LDR. You won’t know unless the two of you sit down and have a real discussion about it, especially why he changed his mind (you deserve to know.) Be prepared because you need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you and your relationship with him. For me it would be because it shows that he is not as invested in your relationship as you are. But I’m not you. I would get this clarified before he leaves for training because I wouldn’t be waiting around for another year or two for him to decide when he has already wasted 3.5 years of your time already.
Post # 5
If he’s not ready, he’s not ready and wishing cannot make it so. I’m really sorry that you have to go through this, but you want to know about this now and not later, I assure you. He’s got a lot on his plate and staring down another tour in Afganistan, he might be trying to spare you the agony of becoming a young widow, or himself the pain of a long distance, newlywedded marriage because some of the horror stories about that…it could be a million things, but I know for a fact that none of them are because of you.
It’s terrible for you I’m sure, but the financial aspects are a non-issue, if your going to talk to him about any of this, leave the $$ at the door, vocalize your feelings, your needs and your reasons for wanting to be his wife, anything else is just noise.
I hope the two of you get through this, good luck!
Post # 6
He doesn’t deploy just yet so maybe he’ll change his mind (or have some more clarity) before April.
I guess you have a decision to make.
Do you stick by him and accept that you won’t be married for another year and a half to two years? Or do you leave him and start fresh with a guy who knows what he wants?
I recognize this is a difficult situation, but I think you need to at least have some clarity before he is deployed. If you’re engaged, you should realistically be happy to get married ANY day, IMO. Is he not sure about the relationship? What exactly is he not sure about? The financial benefits are real, and I think he is being a bit selfish here, to be honest. He signed up for the military, he knew what he was in for.
But as I said, give it some time. Maybe when he’s away for training he’ll miss you a lot and realize that marriage before deploying is the best bet.
Post # 7
- Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World
@princess131684: OP, I would remove the actual dates of your SO’s deployment for OPSEC reasons. It’s better to be as vague as possible in forums like these for the safety of all involved.
ETA: I do agree with PPs regarding the deployment as a “wake-up call” of sorts to your Fiance. He is under a lot of stress right now, with all the changes to his deployment, that getting married is an added stress that he is having trouble with dealing. An open, honest discussion with him laying out each other’s feelings and plan for the future given the deployment seems to be the best route to finding out if you want to accept not marrying right now and waiting until he comes home. I feel for you! Big hugs!