(Closed) Help bees! Heartbroken and upset by friend…advice please

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What do I do?
    Don't attempt any more communication, don't invite her to the wedding : (14 votes)
    32 %
    Don't attempt any more communication, invite her to the wedding : (13 votes)
    30 %
    Send her an e-mail explaining how you feel, and if she ignores it don't send her an invitation : (4 votes)
    9 %
    Send her an e-mail explaining how to feel, and if she ignores it still send her an invitation : (13 votes)
    30 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    522 posts
    Busy bee

    Honestly just from what you posted it sounds like she might have developed some sort of mental illness or something.

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sending her an email saying “Hey, honey haven’t heard from you in a while I just want to know how you’re doing. Please know that I’m always here for you if you ever need to talk”

    I wouldn’t mention the wedding. If she has a tough time dealing with the own dissolution of her own marriage seeing you in full blushing bride mode filled with love for your husband might make her feel bad or take her to a bad place (honestly it sounds like she might even need psychiatric help, The total change in behavior, the promiscuity etc are often signs of mental illness of some sort).

    I’d see if she responds to the email and play it by ear. Maybe you could talk to her mother as a last ditch effort and find out what’s going on.

    TL;DR I’d put the invitation on the backburner for now (and possibly even mentally cross her off for the moment at least). Contact her see if she responds and then take your cues from that.

    Post # 5
    Member
    491 posts
    Helper bee

    @hollyberry4:  I’m just curious, have all of the emails been about the wedding/dresses?

     

    Maybe a more general “Hey, I’m thinking about you/hope you’re doing well/would love to get coffee/am concerned” type email would be better. Even if she doesn’t respond, she will know you care about her and not just the wedding. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    737 posts
    Busy bee

    @hollyberry4:  I understand your hurt.  Sometimes we never really know the reason why people leave our lives.  Sounds like you have really tried and you are hurting from the separation she is inflicting on you.

    There is nothing you can do to make someone love you, be your friend etc.  But you can do something about how you feel and what you are going to do about your life.

    I would suggest to continue planning your wedding on the basis that she may not be your bridesmaid.  She may be experiencing something that she doesn’t want to share, even with someone as close as you are.  Give her time, but don’t put your wedding on hold.

    It is a hard time for you.

    Post # 8
    Member
    357 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2005

    Can you track her down in person?  That seems like the only way to know what’s up and possibly get an asnwer or two.

    Post # 10
    Member
    9139 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    @hollyberry4:  She changed her phone number, and I got it from her mother. I called and texted her once each, and no response.

    I think she has made it clear that she wanted to break off communication from you.  She changed her phone number and has not responded to your communications in over 2 months.  I would stop contacting her and not send an invitation to the wedding.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1935 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    @hollyberry4:  It seems like your friend has decided to go down a different road in life… which is hurtful and confusing for you because it’s drastic and unexplained. I would say, send her one more e-mail, saying you still love and miss her, but understand that she has moved on to another stage. If you’re open to it, you can include a line like “if you ever want to talk, or need a shoulder, I’m here.” 

    She’s broken off communication, and you need to let her make the next move, as heartbreaking as it is going to be. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    720 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Wow, I had a really similiar situation. Huge lack of communication until the moment I sent her a message telling her she could no longer be in the bridal party, and then suddenly she responded right away. We didn’t talk for months and we invited her to the shower (didn’t respond) and to the wedding, which she did come to. We had texted a bit beforehand and I’d let her know I truly wanted her to be there no matter what happened before and she said she really wanted to go. We danced together, were in a photobooth together with the other BMs, had some good memories and no bitterness at all. I’m really happy she got to be there, might have been sad if she hadn’t.

    So with that said- take a break from reaching out because you’ve done all you can and should do, assume she’s no longer a Bridesmaid or Best Man, invite her to the wedding.

    Post # 15
    Member
    192 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - ceremony at a gazebo outside, reception at neighboring restaurant on a lake

     I think she has developed a mental illness or is going through something really intense.  You’re right, this is a much bigger deal than being a bridesmaid in the wedding.

    I had a friend in college that went through a mental illness, I was there for her, but she consistently acted selfishly.  Our friendship is over, and at the end of it she felt like I had abandoned her when I feel like I continually reached out without much return.  Your situation is definitely different, but here is what I learned from her severe depression and from mental illness struggles of my own.

    1) Those that are suffering from mental illness are often selfish.  Not necessarily on purpose, but when someone is struggling so much from within, they have no energy/reserves to give to anyone around them.  If she is seemingly giving of herself to her new relationship, that can be different – maybe she is using a new relationship as an escape/bandaid to her deeper problems.

    2) At some point, you have to cut yourself off.  Otherwise, you will emotionally drain yourself longing for the old friendship, worrying, being angry, being hurt, talking about it, thinking about it.  Cutting it off isn’t about cutting your friend out, it is about moving on and protecting yourself at some point.

    3) My honest advice considering my situations with friends in the past, considering my regrets, and what I’ve learned, this is what I would do in your situation: Send her an email (and a text notifying her to the email) saying you miss her and you will try to be there for her when she needs you but that you are hurt but cannot keep contacting with no return because it hurts too much.  You will assume she is not going to be in the wedding since she hasn’t contacted.  You can even say that you have to move on in life because you have so much worry, hurt, and longing for your friendship but that if she returns to you, you will try to move past that hurt to help her but you can’t see into the future.  You can also add that you still believe in her and will always cherish your memories together.

    Good luck, XO

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Post # 16
    Member
    192 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - ceremony at a gazebo outside, reception at neighboring restaurant on a lake

    Oh yeah, and no need to mention in your email that she is still invited.  Just send her an invite anyways and that would be your last effort of reaching out to her.

    You can’t keep dragging yourself through the hurt.  And yes you are angry and that is OK and NORMAL!! No matter how much you love someone, when they hurt you (even when it is unintentional because they are hurting) it is OK to feel MAAADDD!!!  I believe I read somewhere that anger is a secondary emotion to other emotions (such as hurt).

     

     

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