(Closed) Help bees there is really no where else for me to turn!

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Only you can make choices for yourself. I think the important thing for you guys to do is to actively work on whatever issues he may have. You also have decide how long you will be limbo for, and how long you are willing to wait for him. This is very sad and awful, the only sliver lining is at least he being honest with you, it would be horrible to to go down the aisle with someome who has doubts.

After working through things and talking how knows you may decide that your Fi isn’t the guy for you, or both of you may decide to make things work and both of you may be ready to really commit. Good Luck.

Post # 4
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

I think you both need to explore the deeper feelings behind his “not being ready”. What, exactly, does that mean? Is he afraid that he won’t be able to take care of you or he is afraid that his life is going to be over? Once you have more information, you’ll have your answer as to what to do.

Personally, I don’t feel that living with a guy before marriage hurts your chances of being proposed to or negates the idea of marriage at all – IF the man really wants to share his life with you. When a man loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you, NOTHING is going to get in his way, certainly not the two of you living together already.

It might be that your Fiance is just feeling stressed about finances or responsibility or something completely unrelated to his feelings for you, and that telling you he’s “not ready” is the only way he knows to articulate this. You really need to sit down and have a deeper conversation with him to understand the “real” reason he’s wanting to postpone everything.

 

Post # 6
Member
241 posts
Helper bee

@CodijoC:   Well, if it’s strictly about financials, then I can understand his anxiety. Weddings are not cheap! Perhaps you can talk him down from the ledge by coming up with a modest budget, or even agreeing to push the wedding back a few months to save up some more cash. I’d go to him with a plan in hand for saving up MORE money than your wedding/honeymoon will cost. That might make him feel better if he’s afraid getting married will bankrupt him.

Post # 7
Member
3471 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA

Well, ultimately the choice is yours, but if it were me I would talk to him more; ask him what exactly he’s worried about– how will your lives change from the way they are NOW, and what are his concerns about those changes.  If this conversation isn’t enough to comfort both your feelings; then I would move out. 

But I would make sure to only do it in such a way that it’s not reactionary– if you’re moving out because you’re hurt and upset, it’ll likely be a lasting rift in your relationship, and one you might not recover from as a couple.  But, if you’re moving out to take a step backward TOGETHER, and you’re actively working to move the relationship to a slower pace, then it’s something you are deciding together based on what is best for you as a couple.  

For me, personally, I couldn’t live with a man who was actively telling me he wasn’t ready to commit to me forever.  Even before we were engaged, and moved in together during college– we were still talking about marriage as an eventual thing; just not something we wanted to take on at that moment (i.e. during college) But we knew it was in the future.  Then, shortly before we graduated, he proposed officially.  This was an important distinction for him because while he always knew he wanted to marry me– to him, marriage is about providing for your family, and as a full time college student with no job and no savings, you can’t provide for anyone– so for him, it was important to get through that stage of our life, then once we were both graduated and had good jobs, he was ready to take the next step and get engaged. Then, in our engagement, before we started planning the wedding, it was important to both of us that we purchase a house first (again, to provide for our [future] family).  Now, we are both gainfully employed, we own our home, we have a small nest egg savings, and we are getting married in a month.  If he suddenly told me he didn’t feel ready, I wouldn’t be able to stay in limbo waiting– I would take steps to move us backwards (by moving out, and seperating our bank accounts mainly) until I knew it was something he legitimately wanted and was ready for. 

Post # 9
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

He’ll never be ready.  (At least from the guys I have dated like that).  He’ll tell you he will be ready in 6 months, and when that gets closer, he will push it back again and again.  

Post # 11
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

LOL!  The whole “finding himself” thing… yeah, I dated one of those.  It’s true, sadly, they don’t come around.  If he lived with you for a year and still can’t “commit”, then he has a major problem, and there is nothing in the world you can do to talk him out of it.

When I went through it, I read the book, “Men who can’t love”, by Steven Carter, and it was very illuminating.  I started to see signs of his indecision and fear of commitment everywhere, and it was just so obvious to me that it would never work out.  The real problem with these guys is THEY CAN’T COMMIT TO BREAKING UP EITHER!!!! They can’t commit to anything at all!  They won’t do anything final or permanent. So it leaves you in a crappy situation.  He’s always going to freak out about marrying you AND about breaking up!  I think you’re right to consider moving out, honestly.  The wedding is just a couple months away. I know I would be heartbroken if that happened to me, and I don’t know that I could ever trust the guy again.  Read the book, and get that guy to a therapist.  I hope it works out for you!!!

Post # 13
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@CodijoC:  I know, I had to do the same thing.  He forced me to break up with him, and wouldn’t even do that himself.  It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but I guess you just have to get very clear with yourself about what your goals are and then keep telling yourself that’s the most important thing.  For me, I wanted to get married and have a family.  I knew I couldn’t widdle away my 30s waiting for this guy and begging him to make up his mind.  I realized that he couldn’t reciprocate, no matter how I felt about him.  I don’t deserve that.

You don’t deserve that either.  I don’t think people should get second chances once they call off a wedding. That’s ridiculous. There are just soooo many good men out there who want marriage!!! And you’re right, why would he marry you when he’s getting everythig he wants right now anyway?  It’s just not going to change.

Post # 14
Member
1544 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Time for an ultimatum. If I were you I’d Tell him you are willing to give him X amount of time. But you can’t wait around for him forever. IF he really needs to find himself then he best start looking or next time he’s gonna look back and you won’t be there.

 

Post # 15
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

So, listen…here’s what I would do if I were you: 

  1. Stop making statements about what he “should” feel/do and giving things time limits (“if after a year of sleeping in the same bed…”). You’ll find that when you stop doing this, you’ll stop having such a viseral reactions to parts of this. 
  2. If his fears are all about money, talk about things. Wedding leads to a marriage. Sometimes people don’t really get that until things get close. Marriages mean communication, stress, anxiety, dealing with things as an “us” always, commitement, some wonderful times and some horrible times. It isn’t just as simple as the big party the wedding suggests. 
  3. It isn’t clear from your post but did he call of the wedding? If so, does that mean the engagement is also called off? If so, where is the relationship going? These are type of questions you need to know before you can figure this out. 
  4. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sucks. But don’t allow yourself to be crushed by the situation without knowing where the relationship stands. 
  5. If everything is off….why on Earth would you want to “date” a man that you lived with, were engaged to and planning a wedding? Have more respect for yourself than that and leave if it comes to it. 

Good luck! 

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