(Closed) HELP. Botched ceremony thanks to horrible JOP. What would you do?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
5954 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t know, I feel like I would have asked him what was up. Like, even during the ceremony, are you okay? If not then just afterwards. How was he stumbling? Slurring? Like he’d never read English before? Drunk?

And I agree with PPs. You are married. Yippee!! It’s maybe your first married life lesson that things don’t always go as planned. :-/

If he wasn’t having some sort of medical issue, then I’d write an honest review.

Post # 34
12234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

farmfreshjoy :  Do you have video of the ceremony? I’d send it to him along with a transcript comparing to the correct version. Tell him that you and your guests were disappointed, and ask him if he has any reasonable explanation for what happened. 

If there is really was some sort of medical issue or event, you might be doing him a favor. Something about this is not adding up. 

Post # 35
5009 posts
Bee Keeper

farmfreshjoy :  That is SO weird. I would definitely find out what the heck was up, especially since it’s still bothering you. Once you find out the reason and rule out medical, leave a very honest review.

Post # 36
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Write the review you want to write. As for the redo, have an aniversary party at some point (1?5?10?) and redo your vows. It won’t change your wedding but it might make you feel better. Also if I were you I’d consider having the vows printed and framed or embroidered on something, so I could see them every day maybe? 

Post # 37
3870 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

farmfreshjoy :  My officiant was one of my best friends. We went the supposedly “trendy” route and I crafted my ceremony with some input from her and Darling Husband. When we had the final “script”, I invited her over a few times to read through it together so that we were both comfortable with it. I will say that this is one of those aspects that I was a little high strung about. I am a writer, so I definitely wanted things conveyed a certain way. We were both pleased with the way it was written and how she would officiate. The day of the wedding as she started the ceremony, it was . . . different. Not bad, per se, but definitely not how we had gone through it together. She’s one of my closest friends, so I still loved and appreciated her doing this for us. There were, admittedly, a couple of times she threw a y’all in and I visibly cringed on our wedding video. I don’t speak like that and, not to sound stuck up, but I didn’t want y’alls littering my wedding vows. That was the only part of note from the ceremony where I kind of wish it went differently, but what’s done is done. I hold no grudges, I never talked to her about it afterwards, or really ever mentioned it to anyone else (not even my husband). 

What I suggest, for your own peace of mind: Since you had a small wedding, gather as many together as you can (even wait for a one year vow renewal?) and re-do the ceremony. That was one of the most important parts to me, so I would have been devestated if it was distorted to the point of butchering. Even if you just gathered close family and friends and had the re-do, I think it will soothe your peace of mind. As for the officiant, I would just write a very honest review of his performance. It’s all fine and well to not want to “hurt his feelings,” but there may be another bride out there who selects him based off skewed reviews who will have the same issues. 

Post # 38
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Is this someone in the Boston area because I’m going to be looking soon and would rather avoid this Justice of the Peace.

I’m sorry this happened to you and I don’t think you’re overracting. I don’t deal well with confrontation so I would just leave an honest review.

Post # 39
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

Hey bee, I’m really sorry this happened to you. We wrote our own vows & ceremony and I would’ve been devastated if our officiant botched them to the extent that the message was lost. It’s really sweet of your husband to suggest a do-over with your friend, I think that if that will make you feel better, you should do it.

As for your officiant, since it seems like you have legitimate questions about what was going on with him that day, maybe try to get him on the phone? That way it can be more of a conversation, and perhaps you’ll get some answers that will provide closure for you. You seem like a very empathetic person, and it won’t feel good to rip him on Weddingwire if you find out later that something terrible had just happened to him.

Post # 40
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

loz24 :  you sounds crazy based on that commment. “You probably will hate your husband and will fight throughout your marriage with many nights where you cry yourself to sleep and he might get terminal cancer and die a slow painful death – but try to work on that and love him anyway. Suck it up, buttercup – that’s life.”

yeahhhhhh – NOT the same as “in good times in bad, in sickness and in health.” But if that’s how you read it and you think it’s not a big deal, then by all means, take those “vows” to heart in your own marriage. *eye roll



farmfreshjoy :  sorry you dealt with that craziness on your big day. I think a re-do with your hubby(!!! Congrats!!!) sounds like a lovely idea and might suggest either video or audio recording so you can add it as a voiceover to your favorite snaps from your wedding.  

Post # 41
2052 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

sunshinenumber5 :  yeh… That isn’t even remotely what I said but I suppose you get an A for effort! When you enter into marriage it is with the expectation that you are married for 40, 50, 60 years. It is likely in that time it is likely that you will hate your spouse, whether that be for 5 minutes during an argument or longer during troubling times. You can hate someone and love someone at the time. In those moments when it’s bad and you don’t feel that much love to your spouse you need to stay. You need to continue to love to them even they’re upsetting you. That is what for better, for worse is saying and in OPs original comment that is what I felt he was expanding on. You do you. If you think marriage is going to be rainbows and unicorns that’s great. I’d hate to squash the optimism out of you because the world needs more optimists. I did take those vows to heart in my own marriage. We vowed to stay together for better, for worse and behind that vow we promised to make our relationship a priority and talk to a professional if we felt like love isn’t going to be enough.

farmfreshjoy :  sorry for the late response OP. The second example where he changed the vows is better. I agree he uses the exact same words but the context is different. I don’t think any of your guests will feel like you want to possess each other. Do you definitely want to read the vows in front of everyone again? Maybe you could do an anniversary party and re-read the vows there with your family? If you’re not too bothered about everyone being there, go to your favourite spot and just read them to each other. I think it is reasonable for you to write a review. However, it does depend where your reviews came from in the first place. If they came from the site where you booked him then he probably won’t post a negative review. It might make you feel better though. I would personally reach out and see if he was having a personal situation or some health issues first.

Post # 42
8454 posts
Bumble Beekeeper


Weell I think this is probably a lesson to us all to not go overboard with personalised vows that are too carefully crafted. Simple and dignified is better to my mind,  and very affectionately/personalised detailed ones can be quite embarrassing for guests .

Not saying yours were any of this OP, but I guess most of us have been  at a wedding where the deeply personal and flowery nature of the vows made you wriggle a bit uncomfortably . I remember one featuring nicknames . I think it  might have been princess honeybun and my big protector bear  ….lost in the forest….. or something  equally dreadful .

If I were OP, I would have them said again, but just by me and my husband, no one else .

Post # 44
8454 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

farmfreshjoy :  

Very beautiful , and short and elegantly phrased too. I’m sorry I even put you close even in print to the flowery  cringe category !!!!

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