Post # 1
My bf and i have been together for 4 years. He has 2 kids with his ex wife of 5 years. I am havin trouble getting him to have some boundaries with his ex. I am not a mean person at all. I am very passive, but when it comes to this stuff I really get frustrated. Since their divorce, he has let everything go. He didnt fight for himself or anything and still doesnt. He says he has boundaries but i fear he doesnt. Here are my examples:
1. After the divorce his family planned a trip. His family invited her. (we were together at the time) she went. she stayed in his condo with the kids, they took pictures together, and he took her to the airport.
2. If she gets all pissed off… He just sits there and takes it. He doesnt stand up for himself.
3. She and him text and some of it is not really appropriate. Nothing horrendous, but stuff that should be ended.
4. I asked him to stop going into her house. and it took him a year and a half to do it. He said he was doing it for the kids to make it an easier transition, but in my eyes it was not appropriate for him and false advertisement for his kids.
5. she constantly uses the kids as a weapon. if he does something that makes her mad she wont let him see the kids extra days. so then he feels the need to do more of what she says or be extra nice to her….
He is not a mean person by nature either but he says he has to be this way so that the kids wont suffer and they can be protected. I am on the other side where as we should go back to court and petition for more time… lets take action! Am i being to crazy or does he need better boundaries???
Post # 3
Unfortunately, you have ventured into some very complex and often difficult territory. You mentioned your SO’s ex-wife of five years. Is that how long your SO and his ex-wife were married, or is that how long they have been divorced? How long after his separation and/or divorce did you begin dating? How old are the children? Is there a defined, legal custody agreement?
Post # 4
I completely understand your frustrations. I’ve had some similar issues that I’ve had to accept. My Fiance has been divorced for over three years and has two kids with his ex-wife. She’s remarrying soon and still asks him to do silly things like check her computer for virus’ and her mom is always metioning to their 7 year old that her Daddy should come over and fix this, or fix that. Sometimes i just want to say “when you divorced him, you divorced all of him!” The computer wiz, the handyman, all of it.
I understand the arguement that hes trying to keep the peace for the kids, I get that a lot too. But we’ve had lots of conversations about setting boundaries that make me comfortable. I don’t care if he goes and fixes the heater at her moms house, because the kids spend a lot of time there and no one wants to have munchkins in a cold house in the middle of winter, but she can do her own virus scan, that kind of stuff. Tell him that, while you understand he wants to make things easy on the kids, hes making them harder on you.
Additionally, if he continues to do whatever she wants him to because she’ll act like a cry baby otherwise, him doing those things only reinforces her behavior. She’s never going to stop walking all over him, and consequently, you if he keeps watching his every move so as not to upset her.
Post # 5
It’s weird that his family invited her on a road trip, esp. since you were dating at the time. Maybe they thought it was better for the kids?
What kind of stuff are they texting? Love messages?
What is the custody situation? Is she allowed to withhold him from seeing his children?
Post # 6
Ok, I accidently answered the wrong poll answer. Cats paw was in the way. Sorry!
My real answer would be yes and no.
So I will answer each listed item
1. His family may have invited her because she is the mother of the children and they may not have had much of an option. The pics shouldn’t have happened but she is and forever will be a part of their family and you need to deal with that. Trying to act like she is not will just cause distance between you and your stepkids or his family and the kids.
2. Again, they have a relationship because they share children together and I don’t think their way of handeling disputes is your buisness as long as it is about their children.
3. This is totally inappropriate however, it seems that you have some boundary issues of your own and I am curious to know what kind of texting you deem inappropriate.
4. Why should he not go into his childrens home? Seriously, shouldn’t he go in and see their living conditions etc. This would have hurt me so badly if my father had been this petty. I always wanted to show him things like my piano pieces and so forth.
5. Also totally not ok but this is between him and the ex and all you can do is support him.
I hope you don’t think I am being mean but I had divorced parents and my perspective on these sort of issues are really firm. Either way every family has its own dynamic and I hope you guys all figure out what is appropriate and not together. Good luck!
Post # 7
xDh and I only speak when it’s about the kids. We leave it at that. You need to convince your Boyfriend or Best Friend that they are divorced, have kids, but that’s the only time he and his x needs to communicate, when it has to do with the kids. My divorce was civil. We agreed to things and share the kids 50/50. there is no keeping the kids from each other or anything if we get mad at one another. we keep the kids out of it and/or put them before our own selfishness. If they can’t do that, then it’s time to go to court and get an adjusted schedule for the kids.
Sounds to me is he’s being extra nice to her because he doesn’t want to lose his kids and wants to be with them, i don’t blame him. I’d do it too – to a point.
the kids will adjust on their own, in time, to the divorce. It’s something they will need to learn to deal with, sooner or later, sooner is always better than later. Either way, the kids need both parents in their lives. Sounds like your bf, don’t get me wrong here, needs to grow some balls and stand up to his x. the are divorced for a reason. he needs to let things go or, sorry to say, get back together.
Also, have him consider counseling if he has trouble letting go.
Post # 8
@jmaze: +1. I agree that it should all have to do with the kids. I came off a bit harsh in my original response.
Post # 9
I think it’s fine that he is passive about her yelling; better not to argue and just let her be the bad guy. But the family vacation? Does his family still include her in their plans? Or was it just because it was close to the divorce?
And the inappropriate texting. That’s a huge line I wouldn’t be comfortable with my SO crossing.
How much of the kids’ time does she take away from him? That is completely wrong and it could be worth going back to court for.
It sounds like he’s good at keeping his emotions in check, which is a very good thing for the kids’ sake. He should just do his best to maintain a “professional” type relationship with her.
Post # 10
@asher212: if it’s regarding the kids, i can understand but when it comes to other things that you mentioned, it’s crossing the line.
let’s be realistic. you chose to be with this man and that includes all of the baggage that he brings along. (not that children are baggage but everything else is). if you are not comfortable with this after 4 years, why stay? is he really going to change after all of this time? have you talked to him about it?
it sounds harsh but you have 2 choices. stay and put up with it or leave and you never have to put up with it again. you need to weigh out your feelings.
Post # 11
I am an ex wife and I can tell u for a fact that he is extremely inappropriate in all areas. I would not be putting up with this foolishness. The family trip thing would be the icing on the cake.