(Closed) Help! Brother cannot attend wedding. Says he will never speak with me again

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m so sorry that your family has abandoned you like this. You very much considered him in everyway. You asked if and when he could come and then you asked for his blessing.

Yes it is going to be very Hard to not have him there. But has he done everything to be there for you this is yourday. Is there anyway for your parents to help (if it’s a money Issue) and if he finds out the school will let him go. to be there for the both of you.

Maybe you could either let it go for awhile or keep being persitant. You are right You should be able to marry your love. No matter what. There is no pleasing everyone. Hugs and welcome to the hive.

Post # 4
Member
12257 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Ugg, what a nightmare! Unless your brother is marrying your FI, he doesn’t NEED to be there! And there’s no reason to wait two years on the offchance he might show up!

Post # 5
Member
7872 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Your family is being ridiculous. When you go overseas for 1 year or more at a time, you’ve got to know that you’re going to miss some family events. Especially when he says he’s not sure he can come back in 2014 even. So, you’ve got to wait until 2015 just so your brother can be there?? Crazy!

You each need to live your own lives. There’s nothing wrong with him going overseas for a few years, and there’s nothing wrong with you getting married quickly. What is wrong is if either of you demands the other fits into their schedule.

What if one of the grandparents dies between now and 2015? So while you’re waiting for one guest, other guests miss out.

Post # 6
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

What are you supposed to do wait until 2015?  I would tell them unless they have a valid solution to the problem than they need to respect your decision.

Post # 7
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Your family is being so unrealistic and downright selfish. You did nothing wrong hunnie, I think the best thing you can do moving forward is to somehow involve your brother indirectly in the wedding. Like maybe ask him to record a video message or vice versa and have someone bring a laptop and during the wedding turn it on for like 45 minutes and have family come say hello via skype?

 

Post # 8
Member
3645 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Make sure that your parents understand just how much you did consider him in this decision, they may just be getting his side of the story. Then tell them that if they want him there, they can pay for him themselves! (as I understand it he cannot financially afford to come back?)  

For how close you and  your brother are he doesn’t seem to be very understanding. 

Post # 9
Member
9057 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

No, sorry when you take off on your life adventures, you can’t just expect that everybody will be on pause until you’re done. 

I’m sorry this is happening to you, and they’re being difficult, but hopefully they’ll come around and you’ll be able to be happy on your big day.

Post # 10
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I realize that everyone’s financial situation is different, and I have NO idea really what your brother’s is, but I do know two people who did the teaching English abroad thing (one in South Korea, the other in Japan) and they both came back with thousands and thousands of dollars saved because their cost of living was so low.  I’m just thinking judging from his reaction there is definitely something else going on and I don’t think it’s really the money.  And even if he really can’t afford it, I can’t imagine that your family couldn’t come together to get him back here for the wedding! Is there any reason he might be jealous of you or have some other reason for trying to sabotage your relationship with each other and with you and your family??

Post # 11
Member
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I totally agree with the other posters. You shouldn’t have to put your life (and your fiance’s life) on hold just because your brother cannot make the wedding. Sure, it would be great if he could, but he is on the other side of the world, and doesn’t even know if he could get time off a year from now!

You did everything you could to see if he could come and, when he couldn’t, you asked if it was okay to go ahead without him and he gave you his blessing so…why is everyone up in arms about it? Do your parents know you discussed this with your brother, or is your brother turning around and acting hurt for not being able to make it to the wedding?

Post # 12
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

The cost of living in Korea and Japan is not low if you live in the big cities, and unfortunately plenty of young Westerners come to Asia and blow all their money on stuff like rent and eating out and booze. Of course, the smart ones manage to save up and take some home with them. 

@MM93: it’s a shame your family is siding with your brother. My FI is in a similar situation – we’re having the wedding in Seoul and all of his folks are in Ireland. Only his mom can make it, but his siblings understand and wish us well. I hope your brother will eventually do the same.

 

Post # 13
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Your brother knew you’d be getting engaged eventually. He either didn’t save enough or care to try to save enough or (possibly) even ask his work for time off. This is his problem, you asked him about 2013 OR 2014, he basically said no to both years. You shouldn’t have to wait till he has some time/money to come back for the wedding. 

My sister is also a teacher near that area. We have both talked about when she’ll be available. The only time she can guarentee being here is in January, which is not a great time for a wedding or travel during unpredictable weather in the area. We’ll both try to make it work, it would be terrible if she can’t be here, but she moved over there knowing we’d have a wedding sooner rather than later. 

Edit: I don’t mean to sound insensitive, just trying to be factual. I would be very upset if my sister couldn’t be here, but I don’t think I could postpone my wedding for another 2+ years in order for her to guarentee she could be here. 

Post # 14
Hostess
2650 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

a little weird of your brother…did your parents break their reasoning down for you? sounds like you need an elopment (a little humor…hahah)

Post # 16
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@MM93:  I think your brother and parents are totally overreacting. You clearly tried to accommodate him, but he wouldn’t commit to ever being able to make it back for a wedding. What were you supposed to do? If you don’t think they are going to side with you on this, there is one option you could try that I don’t think any other bees have mentioned.  Is it a possibility to help him out with the plane ticket home? Maybe your parents could help with that as well? I know these things are expensive, but so is a wedding, and he’s just one person, and an important one at that.  

I know we considered covering the flight costs for some VIPs for our wedding in Israel (before we decided to go with two smaller weddings). Do you think that might be something you guys could manage? Not that I think you NEED to do it to show him you love him and did consider him, but it’s certainly a way to prove it to him.

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