(Closed) Help Calm My Nerves

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wishing you good luck on this!

My dad was somewhat against me moving in with my Fiance (who was just my SO at the time) because we weren’t engaged. He wasn’t super upset about it or anything, but he thought it was a bad idea. However, in the end, I said, “I hear what you are saying, but I think it will be okay for us.” And he let it go at that. I think he just wanted recognition that I understood his concerns and that I wasn’t taking them lightly. Maybe it will help you to really make sure your parents know that you understand their feelings, and that you are considering them.

Are they concerned you will become agnostic, too? Do you think that will happen?

Post # 5
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@smiley3: I think if you just keep reinforcing what you said above, they might eventually feel more at ease. But it may be one of those things that will just take time for them to see that it won’t change your values or affect any future children you have.

But please don’t give them false hope that he will join the church – that would be disastrous if/when he did not do it.

Post # 6
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I did not have that issue, so I don’t have any useful past experience tips.. But I am not sure I understand, are they unhappy about the moving in part or with your choice of boyfriend?

For the first concern, it might be helpful if you tell them that you and your Fiance have agreed on a “wedding” timeline – which means that you agree that by X date you will be engaged as you both believe in marriage and see this moving in as part of your path to marriage (not sure if it’s true for you but it was for us!).

Also remind them that he will take care of you, make sure you’re home safe every evening, keep you company, and that they should be grateful you’ve found someone so great!

But if it’s him they don’t like, I’m afraid there’s not much to do. Perhaps the moving in will make them realise that he’s not going anywhere, and maybe they will start concentrating their efforts on getting to know him instead of hoping you two will break up!

Post # 8
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I wish you luck. I’ve had that conversation with my parents. It was deff difficult. BUT they understood that it was my decision to make, even if they didn’t support it. We lived together for 3 years before he proposed and I think it took them about a year before they FULLY accepted it.

Anyways, I know what that’s like, so I’m here if you need to chat.

Post # 9
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

oooo – i dont have much advice but i can relate.

I grew up catholic but Fiance (well his parents) are SUPER catholic – if there is such a thing (he just got back from a trip to Mexico City to see the shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe) Anyway – i moved “home” back in june to save money for the wedding but techincally “living at my parents” or so his parents think….I think they know but it has never been brought up or discussed. If he has family over i had to hide my stuff and sleep at my parents etc. We get married in 3 weeks so i wont have to hide anymore.

Its probably bad that we never told them -but they arent naive – im sure they know.

I wish i had some advice for you – the only thing i can say and My Fiance and I have had to revert back to this many times throughout our engagement and probably our marriage (coincidently we also talked alot on this subject in pre cana) but at some point you have to get out from under your parents influence and live your own life. Advice is great! but just because they think one way doesnt mean you have to think that way. Hopefully they will come around to the idea and let you live and learn on your own you know?

 

 

Post # 11
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@smiley3: yes, please know you are not alone – i found it very interesting in pre cana when they brought up the topic of “family origin” and not meaning where your family comes from but more your family traditions and how your family differs from your SO’s – and though his parents are wonderful and supportive in most aspects of his life, he was the one to say i do not want to carry on some of these traditions his family has placed on him. Religion is important to him, but not in the way it was for his parents and i dont think it will be that way for our future family. It is def something he has struggled with over the years but i think im a huge help in reminding him that just because his parents did it this way doesnt mean we have to and visa versa.  Parent’s can be tough – but they love you anyway and most parents will look past the things that you may think “dissappoint” them.  I always tell my mom  it could be worse and come up with some crazy scenario and she usually laughs. my favorite : “at least ill never be a teen mom” (im almost 25) – no offense to teen moms out ther, i promise! eek…just a diffuser – usually makes her smile.

plus! im all for living together prior to marriage – i really think it helps learn more about the person you are with.

Post # 13
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I’m so sorry she reacted that way!

I didn’t have an issue with my parents, but my grandma was none too happy. My mom actually surprisingly said, “That’s great!” and she was genuine about it. My grandma on the other hand, she just pretended that we were married already b/c it made her feel better. After a few times, I stopped correcting her when she called him my husband b/c it was just easier that way.

Post # 14
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

@smiley3: of course it makes you sad! you are going against what your parents want for you but be happy that she didnt flip out or have worse things to say 🙂 She will come around.

Thanks for keeping us updated

Post # 15
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh well, at least they didn’t flip out =] I was pleasantly surprised how “whatever” my parents were about us moving in a few years ago. She did tell everyone i was living with “a friend” and not “a boyfriend” because she was all horrified what people would think. *eye roll*. She’ll come around…maybe you can invite your parents over for dinner once you get the place all set up for the two of you.

Post # 16
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@smiley3:

Yes, we have.

My family was VERY strict traditional Chinese family. Me, baby sister, dating a white guy, moving in with said white guy.

It was bad for a while. But then they realized what an amazing man my husband is and now love him as one of their own.

It seems horrible RIGHT NOW. But I promise if your parents love you they will get over it.

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