Post # 1
Help! My fiancé and I are in a bit of a pickle and I need advice. One of his good friends has a long term girlfriend that is just awful! We really don’t want her to be at our wedding.We love his friend but can’t stand her. I know this sounds bad but here are the reasons (in brief):
- we have been to 2 weddings in the last year where she has gotten drunk and started screaming at someone in a public space
- She does not have control over her drinking, she is either sober and sullen or belligerently drunk
- This summer a large group of our mutual friends were out a bar crawl and stopped into a diner for a late night snack. While me, my FH, and 4 other people in our group were sitting and looking over the menu, she stormed into the diner and started yelling at us ranting that she doesn’t get the ‘respect’ she deserves (we saw her 15 mins earlier and she seemed fine and was talking about how she had to find a bathroom so this was VERY out of the blue). Her boyfriend had to come in and take her out.
My FH and I are spending a great deal of time, energy, and money to ensure that our guests are able to enjoy and celebrate the day with us and the thought of her getting drunk and screaming at someone with my parents and grandparents looking on is somewhat horrifying.
I am struggling because the situation is just plain awkward with part of me saying that it is our wedding and we are paying for it so we should have the right to not invite someone. Another part of me thinks it is horribly disrespectful to the groom’s friend. (what are we going to do, send an invite that says John +1 –Jane?) Just kidding about the last part but seriously though, I need help Bees! Have any of you had to deal with this type of situation and what did you do?
Post # 3
- Wedding: October 2011 - Tre Bella, Mesa, AZ
What are you doing with your other non-married guests? If no one else gets to invite someone who they aren’t married/engaged to, I think you have a pretty good out. If others get to invite long-time gf/bfs, I think you’d have a hard time explaining it and not hurting FI’s friend.
Post # 4
Yikes – that’s awful. Sorry that you have to deal with that! I don’t think you can get around inviting her since she’s a long term girlfriend. What I would do instead, is ask your fiance to speak with his friend about the Girlfriend. Ask them to have a realistic conversation about the appropriateness of her behaviour and whether or not she can behave herself for the wedding.Have your fiance stress to his friend that any outbursts will have a huge negative impact on your day.
Then – if they insist that she come, assign one of your bridesmaids or groomsmen to be “responsible” for her (or better yet – her BOYFRIEND) to manage her if she gets out of hand.
Or – you could go the budget route and say that you can’t afford to invite peoples’ +1s, but this will only work if they don’t find out that you’re inviting other peoples’ dates.
Post # 5
@jules24chi: I think it would be rude/offensive/damaging to not invite her. Though, if you are having an open bar, I would speak to the bartender about cutting people off after a few drinks.
Post # 6
She seems like the type who will make a big stink about it if she’s not invited. I completely agree that you should be able to decide who comes to your wedding, but I think if you want the friend to come you might have to invite her. If you do I would try to have you Fiance talk to his friend about keeping her sober.
Post # 7
I agree with the suggestion about having Fiance talk to his friend about her behavior. If anything arises, she can be asked to leave. Sorry you’re in this pickle.. it’s a toughie.
Post # 8
As bellagio said it depends on what you are doing for others. If others get a guest then trying to deliberately not invite this girl is going to make the friend of the groom upset. If you want to keep him as a friend and avoid drama with him you just have to do it. Do you have any other friends who know about her behaviour at other weddings? You could ask them to please help monitor her behaviour in order to help you avoid a headache.
Post # 9
I would address the invitation to only him and have 1 reserved spot listed for him on the response card as well. This way he knows it is only for him. If he is pretty laid back, I would also address him prior stating you would like for things to go as smoothly as possible and to respect your choice, being that it is your day and you want to be as stress free as possible. Hope this helps.
Post # 9
You can do whatever you want. Maybe you can send an invite to just him,and then explain in detail in person why you just put his name on it, and that he can bring someone else but not her. It just really depends on how close you are to him. Or just invite him only without a guest
Post # 10
We have a possible Jerry Springer type situation that could happen at our wedding. FH’s coworker (We’ll call him John) has a long time girlfriend (we’ll call her Jane). A few months ago John got another girl pregnant (we’ll call her Susan). Now, Susan is my friend and all 3 people were invited to the wedding (invitations went out before we knew about the baby drama). There is so much drama going on that it’s getting rediculous. I put my foot down the other day and told John that of course he & Jane (who are still together) were invited to the wedding and we’d love to have them there BUT if that Jane needed to understand that Susan would also be there. If Jane did not feel that she could control her emotions and therefore shouldn’t come, I would understand. However, if Jane does decide to come she will act appropriately. Their drama is not going to spread out onto my wedding/reception. There will be no dirty looks, no snide comments, nothing. I will not hesitate to have anyone involved removed from the venue.
The point to my long story is, if you invite her feel free to put your foot down and let them know that anyone who acts out will be shown the door.
Post # 11
Honestly I think you should just not invite HIM. Have your Fiance explain to him that you are both uncomfortable with inviting both of them and that you would love to invite him to share your day, but that due to past behavior, his Girlfriend is not welcome. Let HIM be the one to say “Well then just invite me and not her” or “Well that sucks, if she can’t be there I won’t either.” Let the ball be in his court for whether or not this ball and chain is going to prevent him from participating in your lives.
Darling Husband and I have a very good friend whose Girlfriend we despise. We have discussed it with him at length, and he is well aware that anytime we invite him, we are NOT inviting her. He understands (she’s a real B
) and just comes without her. I have no idea how he justifies it to her or why he’s even still dating her, but that’s not my business. She is someone we don’t want in our lives and we’ve had to make that clear with Friend. (Which is sad because he’s so nice!)
Post # 12
If you are giving other long-term relationships a +1, then IMO you have to give this friend a +1 too (no matter what you think of his gf).
And once you give someone a +1, unfortunately you don’t get a say in who that +1 is.
Post # 13
How does her boyfriend react when she behaves this way…i suggest you and your Fiance go out with him or invite him over and sit and talk to him about the situation…he might be looking for a way out of bringing her
Post # 14
Thank you all for the advice! And I am glad that some of you have had situations like this before. I like the idea of having her ‘monitored’ all night to limit the drama.
@Miss Smashville: OMG that is way worse than mine! I am glad you found a way to make it work and I feel that the most adult thing to do is regardless of invite/don’t invite, we talk to him/them about it. Great advice thanks!
@mrsjjohnson2b: The boyfriend generally likes to ignore the fact that she makes a scene and will not take responsibilty for her. I can understand that somewhat but it bothers me that she doesn’t take responsibilty for her own actions. A simple “you know what, I’m sorry I got a little too drunk last night and I said/did things I didn’t mean” goes a long way in my book.
@bellagio: We are letting other non-married guests bring dates so it would be a ‘direct cut’ I agree with you that there is really no good way to not invite her
Thanks again to everyone for the advice!
Post # 15
So, I voted for “Don’t invite her by politely talking to the groom’s friend : (8 votes)”, which I am very surprised to see isn’t the frontrunner, poll-wise. We’re brides! We all understand how caving to meet other peoples’ demands can ruin our special days, and if this is how everyone thinks you should do your wedding planning, and it’s how they’re doing theirs, then there are a bunch of (sadly) weak women frequenting these boards.
Nip it in the bud; have your Fiance talk to the friend and politely but firmly tell him that, due to her past behavior, she is not invited to the wedding. Don’t let him waffle or budge, and don’t let the friend try to talk his way out of it. It’s your day, and you have not only the privelege, but responsibility, to make it the special day you want, which means only the guests that you actually want there.