(Closed) Help, can't get past it!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

If it’s been that long ago, and you two have already discussed the issue, I don’t think it’s him. I think the issue lies with your internalized views of trust. Have you ever been to therapy for it? I know you mentioned that you were in a relationship with a cheater. I can see how this could set patterns in your thinking, and I can also see how seeing that movie would hurt.

However, over 2 years ago with the problem resolved says to me that you need to face your demons once and for all when it comes to trust. If you haven’t had problems with your Fiance, and he treats you wonderfully, then you need to develop better thinking and emotional habits when it comes to relationships. Otherwise, it could have a serious negative impact on your marriage if you keep holding grudges. I suggest individual counseling and pre-marital counseling, so that you can find coping strategies alone and also so that you and your Fiance can cope and change your thinking patterns together.

Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
4657 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I can see how it would hurt.

It would really hurt me and haunt me too. I am sorry I don’t have any better advice for you, but I would be going through the same hurt.

Post # 5
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

I think he learned his lesson, and you discussed it and he learned what is acceptable and what isn’t (with you and in this relationship) and 4 months into the relationship isn’t that long… maybe he wasn’t sure at that point.

But isn’t he sure now? It’s not like he did it 1 year or so into the relationship and living with you and everything. I would try very hard to let it go. maybe talk to someone to help with the insecurities you feel because of the past.

Post # 6
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Did you just recently find the video even though the incident happened a long time ago? Or have you known about it and it’s been bothering you on some level for this long?

I can totally understand not being able to get it out of your mind. That’s a tough mental image to get over. For what it’s worth, it was a group setting and they were all just having fun. I’d be more upset if he tried to deny it or hide it. As they say “boys will be boys”. That doesn’t excuse his immature behavior, but I think that’s all it was. He wasn’t seeking out a lap dance from this girl, she was just being drunk and silly.
Easier said than done I know, but try to just let it go and move forward. I’m sure there are things in your past that you are glad weren’t captured on video. Nobody’s perfect.
Bottom line is he loves you and this “blast from the past” doesn’t effect your relationship moving forward.

Post # 8
Member
2497 posts
Buzzing bee

It would be easy for me to tell you to try to move past it since it was so long ago and you already discussed it with him, but JESUS that is so disturbing. I don’t know if I could ever get over something like that, especially if I saw it in a video. I can definitely see why it would still bother you.

Post # 9
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Not respecting him is another issue. If seeing this video and behavior actually made you lose respect for him as a person, that’s a way bigger issue, in my opinion.

Also if this is an annual trip that SHE also attends, would it be possible for you to attend and “stake your claim” so to speak?

Post # 11
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@squishee:  Does he know that him going on this trip to the same place every year with that girl around bothers you? I know you might have talked about that particular incident, but did you discuss how the habit of the trip affects you? Sometimes men are clueless when it comes to emotional cues. Honestly, if I knew that my Fiance was going to the same place every year where that girl was, it would bother me too. You are not crazy for feeling bothered by it. I guess you have to ask yourself:

“Am I going to be truly happy being married to this man knowing he did this, despite the incident being early in the relationship? Am I willing to completely forgive him? Can I come to terms with my feelings and move past them? And is my Fiance willing to compromise with me and take my feelings seriously regarding this matter?”

If he’s been going to this ski place for YEARS before he met you, it may be unreasonable for you to ask him to stop going; that’s a call that you would have to make. Does the group hang around the girl every time they go? If not, I don’t think it should be an issue. If they do, then I think it needs to be addressed. But in marriage, there will be a lot of times where he (and you) will do things that will require forgiveness. They may not be on this kind of scale, but both of you will need to forgive and move on.

If you truly have forgiven him, it’s time to move on. If not, you need to think about what emotionally you need to come to terms with the incident and let it go. Otherwise it will eat you up inside.

Post # 13
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My question is who is the thoughtless person who POSTED the stupid thing on YouTube?!? How inconsiderate!

Post # 14
Member
2523 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@squishee:  I think if he knows you are very upset by him going, he should take that seriously, considering the history and the company of that place. I think he’s being insensitive. There are plenty of places to go skiing. I’m sorry you had to experience all of this. I still recommend counseling. I really think it could help you sort out your feelings and help your Fiance understand how your past affects your habits. I know that when I was suffering from depression, it really helped me. Not saying you’re depressed or anything, just saying that from my experience, counseling can be really beneficial, especially when you’ve experienced an emotional trauma like you have (your past relationship).

And no, you don’t sound materialistic. It would bother me as well.

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