(Closed) Help, can't get past it!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@squishee:  I would have a calm discussion with him about your concerns that start more focused on the engagement aspect of this, such as “How are we going to afford our wedding if we are putting our money towards expensive trips?” and then let the discussion move towards the topic of how the trips stress you. That way the topic is more on you and him being a couple and moving towards marriage and being financially prepared rather than it comes across to him as

OMFG I HATE YOU GOING TO THAT SKI LODGE RAWR

And he will probably handle the conversation better.

But that’s just my suggestion. It’s a toughie, for sure.

Post # 18
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Wow I can completely understand how you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Are you two planning to move to the same city before getting married? Or only after? Maybe you can get some premarital counseling together to hopefully talk it all out in a neutral environment.

That being said, these are the red flags I have heard from your posts:

  1. You feel like he is capable of being “that guy” because there is documented evidence that he’s been “that guy” in the past
  2. You’ve lost some amount of respect for him
  3. You aren’t sure what priority you are to him in his life since he may be chosing to go on this trip rather than making your relationship “solidified”.
  4. Trust. It all boils down to trust.

I always say I trust someone until they give me a reason not to. That’s something only you can decide. If you don’t have trust, I’m not sure it is something you can “just get over”

Post # 19
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@riverbride13:  +1

The first post in this thread, she feels he is wonderful, but her posts grow increasingly hurt and angry. ๐Ÿ™

Post # 21
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Your feelings are COMPLETELY valid. Trust your gut. Trust YOURSELF! And don’t fall in to another marriage that you ultimately don’t find your happiness. I say this with every intention of trying to help, but have you considered the possibility that the men you are attracted to are “disrespectful cheaters”? They say it all the time with women who have been abused or come from an abusive family, they keep going back to the same types of men. Maybe that’s the real issue. I wish I had an answer for you.

**HUGS**

Post # 22
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@squishee:  I know you feel he is being wonderful, but it just seems like this trip is bringing up issues like how he hasn’t gotten a ring yet because he’s spending the money on this trip that he knows bothers you & you mentioned his priorities. Of course, you might just be feeling upset right now and things may just seemed skewed because this is the internet.

You know better than any of us. ๐Ÿ™‚

I know you’ll make the best decision for you.

Post # 24
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee

@squishee:  We’ve discussed my moving to his town, but I won’t do it if I can only get a low paying job there (it’s a smaller town).   

Has he considered moving to your area instead? Especially since it looks like you have a high paying job, you don’t want to move “down the ladder” so to speak…. Does he also have a high paying job? If he doesn’t want to move closer to you, I would ask him why not.

Post # 25
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee

@torrid:  I love the way you think but I feel that “OMFG I HATE YOU GOING TO THAT SKI LODGE RAWR” makes us feel better at least for the moment of actually saying it!Cool

Post # 27
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m sorry! That really sucks for you. I know it’s hard to get past some things, but please be a little lenient. I know from experience that LDRs are very hard, especially in the beginning because you’re supposed to give 100% to a relationship where you’re not getting much from it (you know what I mean right?). There’s just not as much reinforcements going on. Both Fiance and  I did immature and dumb things at the beginning of our LDR, and both of us can now say that it was a lack of needed attention. People need that. Don’t hate it him for this stupid immature thing he did over 2 years ago, especially if he hasn’t done anything like it since. 

Post # 28
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee

Well, let’s give that Ex-boyfirend of yours this on facebook …

Post # 29
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - Toronto, Ontario

i agree with your friends, it’s hard but i think it worth it to try to get over it when you weight it up against what you’d be losing if you were to split.

i think that early on he wasn’t as serious and since it was a group of people and everyone was clothed it was just for shits and giggles really and he didn’t think it was anything big and bad and that it would hurt you.

Post # 31
Member
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I don’t think that you should be too concerend about it.  Many of us are guilty of doing something our spouces may not agree with all because it made us feel good in one way or another.

I am not saying that you don’t have a right to be angry, because you do have a right to feel whatever you are feeling and you can’t really control that.  But it doesn’t sound like that your Fiance has any attention of cheating.  It sounds like that he probably could of had to opportunity to.

Even I have been guilty of doing things that might make my husband a little jealous because I enjoyed the attention.  However, I never and would never cheat on him. 

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