Post # 1
<english is my second language, pls excuse any mistakes. Thank you>
My fiancé and I have been having many issues. For quite some time now I wanted us to go to couples therapy but he adamantly refused. At some point I suggested that I will go to counseling alone, he hated the idea.
I hate fights and don’t deal well with conflicts so I started going a few weeks ago and decided to not tell him.
Last night he found out. He called, very upset, screamed at me over the phone. I was out with a friend and took my sweet time to go back home ’cause I honestly didn’t really know what to say, I talked thing over with my friend while trying to collect my thoughts. This made him even madder. He called again and started saying that he is no longer able to trust me, that we are done and basically asked me to not come back home at all since he is furious and no good can some of me being there.
I have no idea how to begin to fix this and am seeking any advice
Post # 2
Forgive me for being blunt. He said it is over and for you not to come home because you went to therapy? Why would you want to fix this?
Post # 3
What about the situation makes him so angry? If you feel that therapy is the best option for your wellbeing, and he can’t be supportive of that, then in my opinion there is nothing here worth fixing.
Post # 4
Ummmm he sounds abusive (lots of speculating I know, but I’m being honest). Why would he care if you went to counseling? I’m worried that you felt the need to hide this in the first place. He screams at you, you fight and are conflicted a lot (to the point of needing therapy to deal with it), you feel like you need to hide going to said therapy, he threatens to leave you, he says thing like “I’m furious, you shouldn’t come home at all or nothing good will come of it!??… what does that even mean? I’d run. Far, far away from this unhealthy relationship. And never look back.
Post # 5
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, but I have to agree with PP’s: there is nothing here to fix. I sound like a broken record in these threads but will say it again: your partner/relationship should be a source of stability, strength, and comfort in your life, not a source of constant pain.
Be thankful he showed his true colors before you got married, and disentangle yourself from this hot mess of an individual while you still can.
Post # 6
Why would you want to be with someone who gets angry for you bettering yourself? This doesn’t sound like it’s worth fixing.
Post # 7
Hell no. If your partner is not supportive of you taking care of yourself mentally and emotionally, and in fact reacts with rage against it, he is not the partner for you. I actually consider an unwillingness to go to couples therapy a dealbreaker.
The way he is trying to control your ability to take care of your own mental and emotional health, and is not punishing you for it, sounds, quite frankly, emotionally and verbally abusive.
The way to “fix this” is to end things and move on without him. Keep going to therapy.
Post # 8
Why is he so mad at you? Is it the cost? Or does he think you should always do what he says?
You were going to therapy to try to save your relationship, bit it doesn’t sound like it’s worth saving.
Post # 9
I know it sounds very abusive. The thing is that he was pressured into therapy as a child and the issue is a big trigger for him.
I did come home and we didn’t fight at all nor did we talk things over, he said he wants to go sleep, got into bed and that was it.
I think he is very hurt that I hid it from him for weeks now.
Of course there are a lot of issues, including him being confrontational and me not being assertive enough.
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
I know it’s so much easier said than done, but drop him. Drop him fast. You can’t make him go to counseling (although it sounds like your relationship can benefit from it) but under no circumstance is it okay for him to get mad at you for going on your own. The fact that you even had to hide the fact that you were going is ridiculous. I don’t know how a relationship can continue when he wants to deny you access to any sort of support system; because he gets mad if you talk to friends and mad if you go to therapy, and he clearly is not functioning as a support system himself, so what are you left with?
Post # 11
You have every right to care for your own emotional and physical health.
You have every right to privacy.
He has no right to emotional and verbal abuse.
Post # 12
He sounds so controlling. Saying he can’t trust you anymore because you went to therapy – wtf. I am also not buying the “trigger” issue from his childhood–that sounds like one more excuse to make you feel even more guilty. “I cant trust you cause you did this, now you’re traumatizing me all over again because I was forced into therapy as a kid!” etc – just no, none of this is healthy or normal. He needs to take responsibility for his own shit, not blame you.
No doubt he has issues, but he needs to deal with them in a productive way, not lash out in rage at you because you’re so overwhelmed with the tension in your relationship that you decided to seek help from a professional about it.
Post # 13
Honey, cut it off and run. This is not healthy.
Post # 14
Yup, I would get out of this relationship. Even if HE doesn’t want to go for therapy, he doesn’t have the right to tell you that YOU shouldn’t go.
I am wondering what else he would be pissed about you doing on your own. going to church? going out with a girlfriend? spending your money on things HE didn’t think were necessary? I would get outta there quick!
Post # 15
Either you guys go to thereapy together to fix this or go your separate ways.