(Closed) HELP! Childhood Love…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I hate to say it, but by the sounds of it you’re not sure at ALL whether your Fiance is ‘so very right for you’…

I don’t know, it’s a tricky situation. If you do go and meet him I’d definitely not do it behind FI’s back (I mean, you don’t have to tell him it’s to work out how you feel either of course, that’d just be hurtful..)

Ukh.. this just sounds wrong on so many levels, and I just can’t relate at all. I had childhood ‘loves’ but they don’t mean anything to me at all now. I could literally bump into Gerard Butler drunk and naked and I’d be like nah I’m good..

That’s not helpful, sorry. I do hope you work this out, fingers crossed for you bee!

Post # 3
Member
1256 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

You’re talking about risking a 7.5 year happy relationship for a couple of awkward tension moments and “know what he’s thinking” assumptions?

Forget everything and marry the man that is so very right for you. 

Daniel had his chance and didn’t make a move. You didn’t make a move. All moves were missed. Don’t risk nearly a decade of happiness for a wild goose chase. You have absolutely zero hard evidence that Daniel feels even remotely the same as you. 

Are you sure you’re ready to be getting married to your FI? This sounds like you’re looking for a reason to get out of your current relationship. I think you need to do some serious reflecting about your existing relationship, whether you want to marry this man, and whether you’re being fair to him, irrespective of Daniel.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Profile Photo TravelingBride31. Reason: grammar
Post # 6
Member
1256 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

seftonkitty:  I’m glad you found my reply helpful, on reading it again it comes off very abrupt (probably cause I’m typing very quickly as I’m short on time).

I have a childhood “love” as well. Also a family friend and my neighbor growing up. I had a crush on him from about age 10 onward, but nothing ever actually happened other then a couple awkward moments, like yours. Except when I look back on these moments with 15+ years hindsight I realize most of them were hormone-driven “my life is a romantic comedy” teenage nonsense. 

Once graduating highschool and going our separate ways we rarely talked and only saw each other at neighborhood events or when our parents got together and we both happened to be in town. It’s similar to yours except he never showed any signs of interest in me then (his parents did, they asked on the regular when we’d get together finally and how they hoped we’d get married…even when he was in a serious relationship). I’m now SO happy with my Fiance and when I see this neighborhood guy it’s more a feeling of teenage crush nostalgia that I feel, as I now know what REAL love feels like.  No way would I entertain the idea of any relationship with him, even if he came knocking on my door declaring undying love. I have a great thing with my Fiance, and I’m not letting it go! 

Post # 8
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

seftonkitty:  I think it would be really wrong of you to meet with Daniel under the circumstances. You can spin it however you like, but you know in your gut the only reason you’re meeting with him is to find out if he still has feelings for you, if there’s still something there. You are HOPING something is there. Whether anything physical would happen between you, you’re willfully opening the door to an emotional affair, while being engaged to another man.

I just realized you’re the bee who wrote the “serious second thoughts” post. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. I really think you need to call off the wedding. 

Post # 10
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

seftonkitty: Ok you are not an awful person!! I had an ex-BF whom I so badly wanted to love, but never did (not saying that’s the same for you)… sometimes things just work out differently! That being said if you are having such major doubts I say at LEAST postpone the wedding… otherwise you’re not being fair to yourself or your Fiance. Cold feet are one thing, serious doubts are a whole other bag of beans..

Post # 11
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

seftonkitty:  I am sorry you’re going through this–it must be incredibly stressful. I don’t know what is the right answer. All I can tell you is that you shouldn’t have to talk yourself into marrying someone. 

Post # 12
Member
1985 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

seftonkitty:  sometimes you can be with a really great person and on paper everything is more than perfect but there isn’t enough chemistry to keep you together. You could call it chemistry or a feeling, whatever. If that happens, nobody is a bad person and it doesn’t mean you’ve lead him on. It just means that sometimes we realise something isn’t right for us, we change our minds. I would like to say that I don’t believe in the one but I believe there needs to be SOMETHING (chemistry, a feeling, a desire) to work together and stay through the non honeymoon moments.

I’d say have a think about what might be causing you to feel scared. Are you an over-thinker? Have the big decisions in your life been met by worrying and anxiety? If you are a chronic over-thinker, it might not be cold feet but just your usual response to stress and change. It could mean that whilst you might have some serious anxieties to address that it’s the typical ‘doubts’. 

I was scared before I got married. I was scared that I wouldn’t notice the deterioration over time of the marriage because despite being together for 6 years, I don’t think our relationship has deteriorated. So how do I spot it? I still don’t know the answer but it’s not too big of a concern now because I told my now-husband. I explained it wasn’t necessarily doubt and tried to explain why I felt scared. He listened, he didn’t jump in and say it was doubt, he listened to me and we worked out the issues together.

It’s OK to be scared. It’s OK to not know what’s going to happen and admit that actually that’s fucking terrifying. It’s also OK to not want to get married to a great guy. Have a chat with someone in real life, either a therapist, find a friendly looking person at the train station, a trusted friend or your partner. Work out what the fears are (well, as best as you can) and address them.

Post # 13
Member
943 posts
Busy bee

I think you have two issues. You have doubts about your current engagement and future marriage and the issue with Daniel. Lets separate them.

Everyone has doubts going into marriage. Its normal to wonder if you are making the correct decision about something as big as settling down for the rest of your life.  However it begs the question, before Daniel came back into your life, honestly, what were your feelings toward your FI?

Did they change only after Daniel came back or were you feeling this way before you saw him again?

If you were feeling this way before Daniel came back, then perhaps it is cold feet that a lot of brides experience. However if you only began to have doubts after Daniel came back, it begs the question of whether you are seeking the high intensity that comes with fresh new infatuation?

I would not meet Daniel behind the back of your Fiance, he deserves better than that, and you probably wouldn’t appreciate it if he did something like that. Imagine if he sat you down and said “Hey honey, I met with a woman who I used to be friends with, and I wanted to meet with her to explore whether or not we had lingering feelings for each other.”

I can imagine you would be very upset and your trust would be broken. Do not break his. He doesnt deserve it. 

As for Daniel, Daniel didnt make a move all those years ago when you were single. In reality you know very little about the real Daniel. He likely isnt the same person he was years ago and neither are you. You are remembering fond memories of what was and thinking of what might could be. 

This is not healthy. Often times we rationalize people or the one that got away. Think honestly about what you really know about Daniel. You know him from years ago, but what do you really know about him now? Not much other than a few glances here and there and the ocassional hello.

If you are having doubts that came before Daniel then address them with your Fiance, he deserves that. If you are only having doubts because Daniel showed up and it looks all fuzzy and new then you need to understand that he might be feeding the doubts you never had about your Fiance.

Hope this helps.

Post # 14
Member
11650 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Aside from Daniel, because really he is nothing -if he had real feelings he had plenty of time to bring them up and you have already seen this reality, do you have a reason to doubt your relationship? 

Its natural and healthy to second guess a life long (hopefullly) commitment, but it’s not normal to really believe you’re not happy or something missing. 

All of that said, it comes off as if you are operating under false beliefs about The Great Romance, and this could be misleading you regarding your relationship. The Great Romance is a lie, it doesn’t last and it doesn’t save you. Sometimes if you’re lucky TGR turns into an adult relationship.

This isn’t to say that passion and romance don’t exist within marriage, but rather that the false beliefs we are fed about “romance” can damage our ability to judge a good thing. Daniel is your false belief. What is your FI?

Post # 15
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

As someone going through the perspective of your fiance in my own life right now, I’m going to be awfully blunt, but I do mean it well.  

Break up with your fiance.  Clean and simple.  If you aren’t sure or having such feelings about the childhood friend, I promise you your fiance doesn’t want you to “settle” with him or have this come up in the future and doubt what you were feeling when you married him and thus doubt your marriage.

Then, if you want, see what happens with this other guy.  But as a PP said, the only reason to meet with him is not for closure but to see if you think there still might be something better out there than your fiance.  Don’t do that to him.  Let him be free to find someone whose love he can always trust in.  Then find your own happiness.  But don’t ruin his life and break his heart while you do it.

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