(Closed) HELP! Conflicting Religious Views on Living Together before Wedding. HELP!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Don’t make this decision based on getting your parents’ approval, or his. You are adults planning to marry and the only opinions that matter are yours and his.

You say your SO and you are both opposed to this – you do NOT want to start your marriage with either set of parents exercising this kind of control over your new family. So my advice is don’t do it. Your parents can choose to be supportive of your decisions as an adult (IOW they can get over it) or they can choose to not be supportive. It sucks when they’re not, but as you get practice making your own decisions that best serve the needs of you and SO, you’ll feel empowered and grow in confidence.

In fact as you get older you’ll encounter many instances where you’ll need to make choices that benefit you and your husband, and don’t necessarily jive with what your parents want. That’s part of growing up, it isn’t fun but it has to happen.

Post # 18
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m going to speak to you as a sister in Christ. I hope that you will be able to recieve the love with which I am saying this, even though it may seem a bit harsh. As Christians, we have a particular decision-making process. We are not to approach major decisions by merely weighing the pros and cons. Nor by seeking approval. Nor even by considering what seems best to US, since we are not to lean on our own understanding. We are to go to the Lord first and seek His kingdom and His righteousness before anything else. Would living together before marriage help you bring each other closer to God? Does your understanding of scripture honestly support your parents’ argument? Or does it just seem practical or desirable?

It makes me sad that either set of parents would refuse to support your marriage, but parents can’t see the whole picture. There’s only One who can.

Post # 19
Member
1829 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

What do you want? Figure that out first, then approach the subject with your fiance, then the family.

I for one could not imagine living together first, you learn so much from living with someone. All their bad and good habbits.

It’s not about what the family wants its about YOU AND HIM! Choose what you both want.

Post # 20
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

Personally, I would say that your parents have a point. Living together before marriage is certainly a sort of ‘test run’ for what you are going to face once you are married. Having said that, I would agree with other PPs. Ultimately it should be you and your Fiance who take that decision. Neither parents nor anybody else. 

Post # 21
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

View original reply
@mrsSonthebeach:  +1

While your parents’ opinion are to be considered, at the end of the day it is what is best for you, your FH, and your relationship.  Since you are in doubt, I would advise you not to live together solely based on your parents’ recommendation.  If the issue is that your parents won’t pay for a wedding unless you live together before marriage then it’s time to be an adult and save up so you can pay for your own wedding and have it be under your own terms, not theirs.

Post # 22
Member
8035 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@BumbyBee:  Do you currently live with your parents? If you do then I can see how this would be super awkward, but if you don’t, then you’re an adult so you should be able to do what you want.

I don’t know if it’s common in your region to get married at 21, but for where I live (and in my circle of friends), it’s extremely young. I was still living at home and 2 years away from graduating university when I was 21 so marriage was like the last thing on my mind. I only bring up the age thing because I think that if you were a bit older, you wouldn’t have as many problems standing up to your parents.

I’m not religious, but in my opinion, if you’re truly born again and care about your religion, you probably should do what your religion says. Of course since I’m not religious, I can understand what your parents are saying. I don’t quite get why they’re saying they outright won’t support your marriage if you don’t live together.. that’s a bit extreme… have you asked them exactly WHY they think this? Like are there any warning signs that maybe you will get a shock when you move in together? It’s possible that they think you’re waaaay too young to get married, and this is their way of making themselves feel a bit better about it/mitigating the situation.

I think like other posters have said, you need to do what’s right for the both of you as a couple. I don’t see why either sets of parents’ views need to be considered – it’s your lives – but I understand the need to want to please everyone.

I really don’t see the harm in living together when you both know you’re going to marry (that’s the boat I’m in), but then again I’m not religious.

Post # 23
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Yikes don’t please anyone but yourself.

DH and I did not live together before marriage, but I did live with my ex. Idk I felt personally that my marriage has been so much more blessed because we didn’t live together. Everything has been new and special. Whereas with my ex we lived together for 4 years and were always “testing” our relationship. DH and I never had to “test”, we were in it forever always.

Post # 24
Member
1085 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It’s not up to either parent. And quite frankly it’s pretty disturbing that both sets of parents will not bless your marriage if they don’t listen to you.

 

In this case, go with what you feel. You don’t need anyone blessing to have a happy marriage.

 

But make sure you and yoru Fiance are on the same page religion wise, could cause some trouble in the future if you’re not

Post # 25
Member
3354 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

while it’s nice to have your parents’ blessing for your marriage, it really isn’t necessary. I understand that it’s important to some people, but really, you’re marrying your Fiance, not your parents, so I don’t see why they should have such a huge say in your life. They’re not the ones going to be dealing with your Fiance on a daily basis, so it’s imperative that you and your Fiance agree, not your parents.

Post # 26
Member
2417 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You and your Fiance are the only people who can make that decision.

Post # 27
Member
9799 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
@mrsSonthebeach:  +1

If you can’t decide what is right for you two as a couple then you are not ready for marriage.  At the end of the day it’s your relationship, not your parents. IMO.

Post # 28
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2012

This makes me think of me and SO before we got married. We were the first to date in both families and each other’s first bf/gf. His family was against us living together and my parents were for us to live together.  Needless to say, we moved in together before we got married.  We used to argue lots before we moved in together and after we did, things got a lot better between us.  His parents eventually got over it because they seen how much we love and cared for one another.   We don’t go to church often but we both believe in god and what he stands for.  Do what you believe is right, not what everyone else thinks.  They may not approve but they will eventually get over it.

Post # 29
Member
10355 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Actually, yes – needing your parents blessing on your marriage is a sign of immaturity. It says to the world that you are not secure enough in your own belief system to make choices for yourself, and that you instead look to others to validate your choices for you.

If you are truly an adult who is ready for marriage, you and your Fiance will make your own choices on the matter. As a new family unit, it is up to you two to establish yourselves as a family who’s choices matter and should be respected. Otherwise the parents will forever be meddling.

Your life. Your beliefs. Your wedding. Your choice. Nobody has to live with your decisions but you.

Post # 30
Member
3462 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
@desthebride:  the words right out of my mouth. This is some sound advice, honeypie. Before Fiance, before your respective parents, before even YOURSELF…meditate on what would please God. And with all due respect to the PPs who said otherwise, there IS a right answer on this. Seek it earnestly, and you will realize what you need to do. 

Post # 31
Member
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

View original reply
@bmo88:  glad you posted that!! comments like ‘playing house’ or the infamous ‘getting the milk for free’ irk me like you wouldnt believe! im respectful of bees that choose to wait and would never post otherwise and i expect the same. i have valid reasons why i live with my fi and its not for other people to comment. I also don’t like the ‘test driving the car’ syaing that they use for waiting bees. Im not a cow, and my guy isnt a car!!

threadjack over!!

OP- i think you need to follow your heart, and your religion. Especially since its a moot point, your fi wont agree to live together anyway

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