Post # 1
- Wedding: July 2014 - Riverside/Paren'ts backyard
First off, I would NEVER uninvite someone that I sent a Save the Date card to if I didn’t actually need to. My Dad has always been a jerk (to put it nicely) on and off. Sometimes he is the nicest funniest man ever but sometimes he is a raging jerk. Right now he is in full rage mode and texting extremly hurtful things to my sister, myself and telling us really scary things about his sister (like, “I hope she f-ing dies”)I fully plan to address this with him when he snaps out of this and I feel safe enough to help him seek medical attention since this time I am afraid for him and others. However, I had previously sent save the date cards to his mother and sister whom he hates (they have had no part in my life for the most part) but I was trying to be nice and I figured he could suck it up and be an adult about it. Not a chance. I am worried if they come he will make a huge sceen (screaming and throwing things) and even if I uninvite him I am worried he will show up and do the same thing anyway. Did I mention he’s an alcoholic? He is. He also has been single for 20 years and basically depends on me for any sort of emotional or moral support so I’m kinda in this one alone. I need to uninvite these women who I barely know for their safety and my sanity (ha, that’s going out the door pretty quickly). My wedding is in 3 months and I haven’t sent actual invites out yet. How do I tell them this without letting them know how crazy he’s being? They are really gossipy and I don’t want them to know the extent of the situation. I feel hopeless and so embarrassed. I don’t know what to do. I want a realtionship with him eventually but I am just so hurt right now and it’s almost time for him to walk me down the isle (if he actually shows up) which I probably wont want him to at this point anyway. Sorry for the long post but I really need help here. 🙁
Post # 2
I’m sorry you are going through this! From what I understand though, even though you should send invites to everyone who got a STD, you can just not send an invite.
If they were hoping/planning to come, they might reach out to you to ask about invites, and you’ll have to deal with it then, but that gives you time to wait out your father’s current episode and talk to him when he’s no longer in rage mode.
Post # 3
Sorry Hun but I would think uninviting his mom(your grandma) would be disrespectful. She’s your grandma and immediate family and she should be invited. As far as your aunt goes I think uninviting an aunt won’t be as bad as uninviting a grandparent. If I were you I would tell your dad when he’s not in his raging mode that you are willing to not invite your aunt but your grandma(his mom) will be invited. My mom dosnt get along with her dad and step mom and if and when I get married they will be invited in a heartbeat no matter how my mom feels.
Post # 4
JamiLuvsTrev: I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Look, family crises don’t always respect etiquette. It sounds like your dad is going through a crisis and putting you into it with his actions. I say that in an extreme situation like this, screw etiquette and do what you think you should do to make your wedding anything but a battleground for family feuds, even if it meand making grandma angry.
i hate to say this but maybe do some soul searching about whether your dad should be there either way. Again, sorry you have this tough situation to deal with!
Post # 5
JamiLuvsTrev: I’m so sorry you’re going through this 🙁
The etiquitte police are not going to show up and arrest you. Don’t send them an invite. It sucks, it really really sucks, but if you feel (and you’re the only one that can judge this) that uninviting them is your best option to have a drama free day, then do it. This is an extreme circumstance, so do what you must. Give them a call (or msg, whichever is the usual in your relationship with them), and tell them that circumstances have changed and you can no longer accomadate everything that you thought you once could. Then offer to take them out to supper to celebrate afterwards.
Post # 6
I think your dad’s behaviour, even though he is mentally ill, should not be rewarded. So by not allowing your grandmother and aunt you are positively reinforcing his behaviour.
However you have said that you are not at all cose to these people and they are not in your life.
I guess you need to think long and hard about which relationship means more to you and which relationship you want to last into the future. Then you and your FI should make the decision on whose invitation to take back.
Post # 7
I think if anything there should be some compromising ie invite your grandma and not your aunt.
Post # 8
I’m sitting here scratching my head why you want a relationship with your father after what you’ve told us, but it’s none of my business.
I would not invite this person to my wedding, blood or not. He is the one who is going to cause issues, not your grandmother. If you don’t have a relationship with an invited guest, then uninviting them doesn’t really seem like an issue. Yes, it’s rude, but you do what you have to do to keep your sanity! People can understand things come up, even if they don’t know the full story.
Post # 9
JamiLuvsTrev: Eek i’m so sorry to hear you are going through this!
I think bullying you in to sticking to etiquette would be ridiculous in this situation. While some people are etiquette crazy, others are totally happy to throw it out the window and in this case, if its necessary, do whatever you need to do regardless of what some random may judge as ‘proper or not proper’.
If they haven’t been a part of your life then contact them the best way you see fit and let them know that due to unforeseen circumstances you have had to drastically cut back on the guest list and can’t have all the people you were hoping for. If this was a grandparent/relative you were very close to it would be a different story but I think its warranted in this case.
You should not feel guilty about putting your own sanity and happiness first in this situation. I’m sorry you feel alone in dealing with this, is there no one you can confide in to help you support your dad and get him some help? I would think (hope!) people would be understanding and helpful rather than judgemental in a situation like this.
Good luck OP!
PS I should add that my first thought about your post was that for your sake, maybe you should just not have your dad there at all (obviously this isn’t a long term solution and his mental health is something that needs to be dealt with on a deeper level). However if that’s just not an option for you, I stick with my initial comments!
Post # 10
Ap2010: You just don’t get it. Being genetically related does not entitle someone to a wedding invitation. It doesn’t entitle you in the case of your cousin, and it doesn’t entitle the grandmother and/or aunt in this case. This is obviously a stickier situation because save-the-dates have already been sent out, but I can’t believe that you of all people are recommending that the OP invite the grandmother but uninvite the aunt. This is the second older thread that I’ve seen you dig up tonight to continue this discussion about not inviting family members to weddings — your own more recent thread is still open if you still want to complain about not being invited to your cousin’s wedding.
Post # 11
If you are worried about the safety of your father and your family members then the etiquette of STDS should be the last thing on your mind. Your first priority is getting some help for your father. If having him there at all is that important to you, sorry to say you might even have to postpone the wedding. In the mean time, if he is showing signs of mental illness, is getting worse, and is threatening the safety of himself and others, I would certainly not wait to act. Is there anyone you can talk to or contact for help? His doctor? A mental health care professional? Police?
Post # 12
cmbr: you know what… I’m done whining about not being invited to my cousins reception. Also it’s more insulting to not invite a grandmother then it is to not invite a aunt. So what if the grandma hasn’t been involved in her life, did her grandma do something to upset the OP? Also I agree withe one of the pp that her fathers bad behavior shouldn’t be rewarded.
Post # 13
Ap2010: splitting the invitations has nothing to do with this situation, and won’t help.
OP, if I can ask bluntly, why would you want your father to be present at your wedding? Are you going to uninvite him if he’s still having an episode at the time of the wedding? If my father had told my sister that he “hoped she’d fucking die”, I think any symbolic sweetness of him walking me down the aisle would be long gone :/
If you want your Aunt and Grandmother there, I guess I don’t understand the logic in uninviting/not sending invitations on account of your father. The healthiest solution seems to me to be invitations to the Grandma and Aunt (why else would you have sent STDs if you didn’t want them to come?), and nothing to your father, at least until you’ve had some resolution with him.
Post # 14
Hausfrau: I didn’t mention anything about splitting up invitations. What my point was is that it will be more insulting to not invite a grandmother then it would be to not invite a aunt.
Post # 15
Ap2010: your first comment was that the OP should “compromise” by inviting the grandma but not the aunt, so yes, invitation splitting. Aside from the fact that most everyone would disagree with your logic about how insulting not inviting the aunt/grandma is, the OP isn’t particularly close to either of them, which makes this a moot point. OP was never obligated to invite either of them. Hell, she’s not obligated to invite her father if she doesn’t want to.
OP- I wanted to add that, if you really see yourself trying to have a long-term relationship with your father, I feel like not inviting him to the wedding will do less damage than inviting him and having him not show up or make a scene. How are you possibly going to enjoy your wedding when you’re completely stressed out about your father’s behavior? He will eventually get over not being invited, but you may not get over him ruining your and your fiance’s day.