Post # 1
She "LOVED" my dd at first, the closer dd and her son got the less she liked her. He is in military so absent for much of what happens. She will not answer emails about engagement/wedding planning. Has been invited to go look at wedding dress and MOB and MOG dresses = refused. Has been asked for shower input – no reply. Asked for shower invite list – no reply. Has told other members in her family that dd is "taking away her son" and that she "does not approve" of wedding. When first engaged I tried to initate planning about wedding/costs. Only reply was they have no money. Has not offered to help in anyway, including Rehearsal Dinner. DD’s future husband tells her not to worry and to stop trying. He is 23 and has not lived at home for 4 years! What should we do? Feek like we have tried and tried to no avail.
Post # 3
Just to clarify: You are the mother of the bride. The problem is with the mother of the groom. The groom is in the military and is unaware of the situation or what he does know of it he says not to worry and to stop reaching out. Correct so far?
You need to let your daughter and her future husband handle this.
I know it must be frustrating trying to include someone who obviously does not want this marriage to happen. However, you need to step back.
Your daughter needs to very politely explain to her Future Mother-In-Law that she has until a certain date to reply back with her invites for the shower. It is not necessary for the bride and the Future Mother-In-Law to shop for a MOB dress or look at wedding dresses.
Also, while it is very generous and polite for the groom’s family to host a rehearsal dinner, it is by no means mandatory. If they do not have the money or do not want to spend the money in this economy, you really cannot blame them.
Honestly, I would have the Fiance talk to his mother and tell her why and how she is hurting other’s feelings and if she still wants nothing to do with the wedding then I would do just as the groom suggested and stop trying.
Post # 4
Have your daughter make her Fiance request stuff from his mom (guest list, etc). If she doesn’t reply to him- tell him that you need the info or he won’t have family/friends there. If he won’t work on getting the info, then just more forward as best you can.
If the Fiance won’t involve himself in resolving this (obviously if he’s deployed he can’t be gathering addresses, but he can certainly talk to his mom and tell her to get on the ball) then there is nothing you can do.
Post # 5
Thanks to both of you for your replies. I guess I do just have to let it be and have the bride and groom handle. It is difficult when he is away so alot falls on daughter. I feel truly bad for daughter and groom and am somewhat of a "fixer" personality! But I guess that is not always possible!! I do feel a need to say in my defense though that this young couple are not in a position to pay for a wedding and we will do the best we can obviously, even w/ three college tuitions, but hubby was out of work for 10 monthes and it seems to me that a set of parents with plenty for vacations… would be willing to help out even if in some small way. But you know what??!! That is not called letting go, right?! I will have to practice this one.
Post # 6
Even if they are in a good financial situation, it doesn’t mean they are obligated to contribute to the wedding. Maybe they have their funds earmarked for retirement, health issues, etc. Regardless, no one can tell someone else how to spend their money, much less tell them that their money should be reserved for their son’s wedding.
I think you’re on the right track in trying to let this go. This is up to your daughter and son in law to manage – I know you have only the best of intentions but if you get involved, it could get messy and make things worse for your daughter. Sadly, there are lots of parents who have issues with letting go, especially when they think that they are losing their children forever to marriage. Just be there for your daughter when she needs you but resist the urge to "fix" the relationship yourself. If she can successfully manage this, then it will serve her well for after she is married.
Post # 7
So sorry this is happening to you and your daughter and Fiance. Since you’re a fixer, how about coming up with a plan where you can within budget have a lovely wedding and not count on funds coming from the groom’s side of the family?
If the fMIL keeps being a road block, I would simply encourage your daughter to have a sit down with her Fiance and maybe consider a gorgeous "scheduled" elopement or destination wedding. After they marry, if Mother-In-Law becomes supportive or changes her tune, daughter and SIL could have a family reception.
This is really sticky and I’m so sorry that it’s happening during such a joyous time. Regardless, please inform your daughter to keep her Fiance informed of all..such as forwarding the unanswered emails, any snarky stuff that comes down the line..he NEEDS to see that this is happening and take a stance in this.
Hugs to all of you.
Post # 8
I know that it must be terrible for you to watch as your daughter is treated poorly by her future Mother-In-Law. If it is of any help, there is at least the possibility that your Mother-In-Law doesn’t disapprove of your daughter as a person, but she just thinks that her son is too young to get married (especially given the strain overseas deployments can have on a new marriage).
Your daughter will need to plan for a wedding assuming that there will be no financial contributions from the Mother-In-Law. It will be really hard, but I would recommend that she try to take the high road and continue to try to include her Mother-In-Law in wedding planning. I would send cheery emails saying, "Dear Future Mother-In-Law, I hope that you are doing well! I am so looking forward to the wedding and our bridal shower. I hope that your friends will be able to join us. If you forward me your guest list I will be happy to send the invitations directly Love, Future DIL" This way if the mother is actually evil and tries to to her son that your daughter excluded her, there is a paper trail demonstrating what actually happened. Your daughter also needs to give her FH updates about the ways that she tried to include his mother.
Best of luck!
Post # 9
My Fiance and I have been together for 3 years. My Mother-In-Law and SIL have become so strange now that our wedding is just 85 days away, that they are not even attending! Just be supportive for your daughter but it really is up to her and her fiance to put the list together. I am sure you are a great listener and are a huge help to your daughter. She should not take it personally….many brides do not have issues with their in laws until the wedding planning begins and then the in laws realize they dont get to plan the party…your daughter does! Good luck!
Post # 10
Just a thought: If the Mother-In-Law will not provide a list of potential invites for the shower on the groom’s side, then there must be another relative on the groom’s side (a cousin his age), who can help build a list. Your daughter and her Fiance certainly don’t want to be put in a position where the rest of his family gets excluded from the occasion because of his mother’s negligence. I know it may seem like going over her head but you’ve given her plenty of opportunities to provide that info herself.
Post # 11
A huge thank you to all who took the time to consider and reply to my situation! I so want my daughter’s wedding to be all she would hope for and was really hoping on it being a joining of two families! But, that is ok if it isn’t, as long as they are happy with each other! I am without a doubt going to learn to let this go and let her handle it while still being her sounding board… You’re right, her confidence in her own abilities will make a huge leap when she finds out she is able. We did talk about it over the weekend a bit and she has decided to "continue" the best she can with the high road but had also made the decision to let her Fiance be more aware of what is going on even if only by forwarding emails to him as well. At first she did not want to upset him or anything being as he is in Iraq and cannot do anything from over there anyways. But now I think she figures he is hearing from others anyways so he might as well hear her side. I love the idea about the "cheery" sounding emails – takes the stress away from them having to actually talk but also is a way to have a trail of what was said. Oh well,, I am sure with lots of love and prayers they will be fine! Thanks again and good luck to you all!