Help dealing with FMIL

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

My Future Mother-In-Law is overbearing and makes big deals out of small things and will down play anything big that she’s done. She is scrambling to hold on to her baby son. 

It all boils down to whether your Fiance cares about his relationship with them. My fiancé hates his mother and wants nothing to do with her. We’ve already decided that our kids will see them maybe once or twice a year for the holidays, but otherwise, very little contact. We don’t want bad parenting rubbing off on them. 

Post # 4
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

winewithwedding :  well, the good thing is that he recognizes her crazy. I know my Fiance hates talking about how we dislike her because there’s nothing we can do. At the end of the day, nothing we say will impact her because she’s a narcissist. Nothing we do will hurt her because she’s a narcissist. Talking about it doesn’t do any good because anything we come up with, will likely end up making her look like the victim. 

Does he have a problem with you hating her? I know you don’t, but I’m wondering if that’s impacting his attitude towards it. Maybe he’s uncomfortable with his perception of the situation. You guys will be a family soon, so I always say immediate family first (even if it’s just you two). If you don’t want to see them more than a few times a year, then work it out with your Fiance and don’t! You’re an adult, and you have a family too. 

Post # 5
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2025 - City, State

Is there someone else you can gripe about her to – your mom or sister, you future sister-in-law – so you can express your frustrations but your fiance doesn’t have to hear it?

If you give specific examples, we might be able to give advice on how to deal with a situation.  Passive aggressive and makes a big deal out of small things is a little vague to work with (for me anyway!).

You might also want to look into DWIL Nation on BabyCenter (Am I allowed to mention other forums here?)  I haven’t checked it out myself, but have seen it recommended enough times to remember the name.  I think DWIL is “dealing with in-laws.”

Post # 6
Member
13525 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Girl, I feel ya.  My Mother-In-Law and I barely talk.  I drink a lot of wine when she’s around.  She’s passive-aggressive and opinionated.  She treats Darling Husband like a child.  She’s never accepted me and never made me feel welcome.   We’ve been married 5 years and together for almost 10 and it’s never changed.  All I can say is that you should try to deal with her as much as you can, vent to other people and not to your FI/DH, and try to put as much distance as possible between you. 

Post # 9
Member
301 posts
Helper bee

winewithwedding :  

I giggled when I saw your secret nickname for your Mother-In-Law. 

The dress debacle was rather presumptuous. Since you and your Mother-In-Law don’t have a close relationship, she shouldn’t be expecting you to invite her to go wedding dress shopping. Her comments were uncalled for as well. You are not obligated to ask for her opinion. 

I agree with your concerns about too much driving on your wedding day but you can’t control your MIL’s decisions. Let her drive around if she wants to. She probably feels more comfortable going to her hairstylist. I’m wondering if she felt pushed into choosing your beauty staff. 

You told your Mother-In-Law that coming over for your fiance’s birthday was up in the air right? That means she wasn’t sure what the plan was. I do think that choosing not to reach out for her son’s birthday was petty so I can see why that would annoy you. Your fiance should not have expected you to talk to his mother because he should be handling potentially sticky situations with his own family. It wasn’t fair to put you in that position. 

I think you have every right to be upset about your MIL’s behavior. I would encourage you to vent to someone other than your fiance because most people get defensive if they feel like their parents are being criticized…even if the criticism is justified. I’m sorry that you have to bother with Crazy. 

Post # 10
Member
418 posts
Helper bee

winewithwedding :  Just replying to say I feel ya. I have issues w/ my Future Mother-In-Law as well. She relies on my FH and his brother (who is married and has 2 babies) for advice and emotional support, doing chores and tasks, and even asks them for loans (which thus far she has always paid back, to her credit)… Basically, she tries to use them as her substitute husbands (she is divorced). She has admitted that she resents to some degree the fact that her kids are growing up and starting families of their own. I find her level of neediness to her kids kind of inappropriate, especially since she wasn’t the most nurturing of mothers to them growing up. 

Future Sister-In-Law takes a lot of flack and strange/rude comments from her. In particular she likes to criticize what Future Sister-In-Law spends money on and the fact that she’s a stay at home mom. Whereas she straight out ignores me. Like, just doesn’t respond sometimes when I’m speaking directly to her.

Fiance knows she’s crazy but she is his mom, so we’ve discussed boundaries for minimizing the impact her odd/bad behavior will have on our lives. I try not to complain about her to him, and I rely on him 100% to enforce the agreed upon boundaries that we’ve discussed. 

My advice: find a friend or even an online group to vent to. If you post, use a throwaway username. DWIL and JustNoMotherInLaw are two popular ones. Together with your Fiance, come to an agreement about how what she does will be dealt with and let him handle any issues. Good luck!! 

Post # 11
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

I also need help dealing with my Future Mother-In-Law.  She hates me.  She’s called up my fiancee twice telling him to seriously reconsider what he’s doing.  This thread makes me petrified of my future dealing with this weirdo woman.  Here’s my plan.  i’m going to facilitate a meeting with her and my fiancee.  i’m going to say “(insert fi’s name) says you have some concerns about us.  I’d like to take this time to address them together, so that you understand that i’m not a horrible person.”  ok, i’m not going to say those exact words, i’ll say something more tactful, but i’m thinking of just scheduling a meeting. i don’t see how it can get any worse to be honest.  I dont’ know what else to do.  i don’t want to deal with hatred for the rest of my life.

 

Post # 12
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2019

You’re basically describing my life lol. I also come from a big Italian family who do things their own way, while my Future Mother-In-Law runs her own show due to their extended family living far away.

Whenever I get annoyed with her I just remind myself why I’m marrying my FH and things feel a little less bad.

Post # 15
Member
301 posts
Helper bee

pepperzo1 :  

Are you serious?! What’s wrong with some people?

I can’t imagine how upset you were when your Mother-In-Law called your fiance. 

 

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