Help dealing with FMIL

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
294 posts
Helper bee

winewithwedding :  

I see. Maybe you can explain to your Mother-In-Law that you wanted to have her company on your wedding day. Since she was miffed about not being included in the wedding dress shopping, wanting to do girly things with your Mother-In-Law could go a long way in making her feel better. She’s lucky that you’re kind. 

 

Post # 18
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2025 - City, State

You responded well to the dress thing, giving a simple explanation and steering well clear of saying you specifically didn’t want *her* there.  Inviting her to join you for hair and makeup was kind, and especially seems appropriate given her disappointment about missing dress shopping.  You maybe could have left off after she said yes to makeup/no to hair, but it doesn’t sound like you really pressed the issue (just pointed out a potential scheduling issue).  As to the birthday dinner, I think your fiance poked the bear by griping about the lack of phone call!  She might well have complained if you had assumed she would make dinner without confirming, so you probably couldn’t win there.

I think your best bet is to respond as simply and minimally as you can, ignoring her attempts at escalation.  Say your piece – briefly and nonconfrontationally – once, and then just give an “okay” and change the subject as quickly as you can.  Avoid getting pulled into justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining yourself.  But, most of all, make her son be the main point of contact with her!

Post # 19
Member
2657 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

I don’t have any real issues with my Mother-In-Law. She’s very opinionated and forward, but that’s to everyone and not just to me. While she has never done anything to really make issues, she’s done a few things that “crossed a line” so to speak. Honestly, in those situations, I think it’s best for your Fiance to step up and say something. 

I think a lot of Mother-In-Law hear a disagreement and assume it’s the wife or girlfriend who opposed when in reality it’s the couple. I think some Mother-In-Law need to hear from their own child that they disagree and why. In my experience, it keeps me out of things so we can have a better mother/daughter relationship and just focus on the fun stuff.

Post # 20
Member
6300 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

One of the great things about passive aggressive people is that you can ignore them when you don’t feel like dealing with them directly because they’re too chickenshit to actually come out with what they have to say. So, for the most part you could ignore her. You could also just be direct with her (the way it sounds like you were about the wedding dress event) “It was something I wanted to do just with my mother.” “No, thank you. We have other plans.” and then move on. I’d probably start seeing how mildly I could speak very honest truths to her. I would also have Fiance speak with her most times. Unless she says something directly to me, I didn’t hear about it and I don’t need to know about it.

The most frustrating thing (to me) would be the incidences where it seems like she’s trying to claim your time or energy without being clear about plans. I would probably just keep those interactions with her to a minimum as much as possible so you don’t waste your energy navigating her bs. 

Post # 21
Member
12 posts
Newbee

I agree with previous posters. Keep things with her short, simple, and civil (on your end). Do not engage with her passive agressive attempts to reel you into her drama and selfishness, and don’t feel like you have to change your behavior/decisions to avoid her potential “hurt feelings” or potential conflict from her. It’s difficult, but in a way you also have to accept that she is the way she is, and no one is going to change her. You sort of have to disengage and ignore. It may make your life less stressful, especially during this very busy time.

Post # 22
Member
8556 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

pepperzo1 :  

I wouldn’t  schedule such a meeting , it will not go well. Even if she said   “oh yes, you are right,   I am at fault and I won’t do it any more”  she would never forgive  you for having made her say it . 

Your fiancé should be the one to tell her that her behaviour and suggestions that  he should ‘seriously reconsider what he’s doing’ are insulting and not acceptable. What was he doing telling you that  anyway! 

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